To not want to socialise every time with a bloody dog?

[NoSpanielSympathy]

Friend has a rescue dog she’s very fond of. It’s a nice enough dog but I’m not really a dog person. We have a mutual friendship group, a mix of couples and singles, a few pre-schoolers and babies.

Friend is a bit of a friendship queen bee and does a lot of organising. She regularly organised things like walks and picnics in the summer, and meals.

The dog comes everywhere she goes. That means picnics have to be in the dog bit of the park (which means dog crap everywhere and rogue dogs sticking their noses into food), pub trips are often in pub gardens even in the bitter cold as the dog can’t come inside, meals are always directed to her house because of the dog (either we order a takeaway or everyone brings a dish - I have offered to cook many times but the dog isn’t invited so she always steers it back to hers).

I used to be less bothered, but I have a toddler now, and don’t want to sit in the dog shit bit of the park, or a freezing smoky pub garden anymore, or have my toddler rolling in her dog’s bed!

AIBU to arrange separate meet ups which aren’t dog friendly? She will be upset.

Yes arrange separate ones. Be honest if she confronts you. You’re allowed to have a preference as much as she is.

She'd have to be upset then. I like dogs but there is no way I am eating surrounded by stinking dog shit.
You should organise something not dog friendly and if she objects just tell her you'll do something dog friendly next time but you want a change. Up to her if she gets the arse about it. I wouldn't go behind her back about it.

You’re upset at the moment and she couldn’t give a toss. I doubt you’re the only one feeling that way. Invite people over and don’t invite the dog. If she doesn’t come it’s her loss.

I would just say, we’re going to the Frisky Fox for lunch. I’ve booked a table inside. She can come or not. If not, say, sorry maybe we’ll see you in the spring.

I have a dog. She doesn’t come with me to see friends. She stays home or Dh and I take it in turns if it’s somewhere overnight.

It’s tricky as things have been arranged which aren’t dog friendly before and she’s really got the hump about it.

One was a 1st birthday party, she was told she couldn’t bring the dog, but brought it anyway, left it in the car and loudly went out to check on it every few minutes, then left for the pub garden, taking others with her!

She does put a lot of effort into organising things for other people and is a devoted friend, but it all has to be her way…

Friend is a bit of a friendship queen bee and does a lot of organising. She regularly organised things like walks and picnics in the summer, and meals.

You need to step up or just not bother with the friendship group.

As long as you do the arrangements then that's fine. If she's arranging something then it's up to her

It is a bit of a weird dynamic to be honest. She’s the older sister of one of my good friends, she moved back from living abroad about six years ago and installed herself as “mum” of the group, arranging birthday parties and baby showers and the like. She’s a bit domineering and takes any perceived criticism to heart, but I do think it all comes from a good place. It’s just a bit intense.

She sounds insufferable.

If she’s the one organising you can’t really moan about it. Sort your own meet ups and make it clear, if she’s in a huff about it that’s her problem.

I think you have to be prepared to lose the friendship with her, does this mean you can’t arrange to see others in the group? If not then they aren’t true friends. I’d decline the cold park offer for we are staying in the warm.

YANBU to arrange something that’s not dog-friendly but I suspect she might then “retaliate” by arranging things that aren’t toddler-friendly. Is this something that you are prepared to split the group over?

You have my sympathy - I have a couple of friends who are dog-obsessed (with really badly-trained dogs, as well) and it gets very tedious always having things revolve around the dogs. But at least it’s not affecting an entire group.

YANBU to organise your own events without the dog.

I'd suggest organising things with only part of the group rather than the whole group. That way she can more easily be left out.

Do something like softplay with just the members of the group who have kids. Invite just one couple (or a couple of singles) over for dinner. Invite the whole group to join you at the theatre/a concert (where dogs obviously can't go).

Usually people who are the main organisers in a group aren't doing it because they love being an "organising queen bee", they are doing it because no one else can be bothered. (Although the others, like OP, can often be found complaining that the outing wasn't planned to their standard).

Far from being annoyed, most organisers would love it if someone else took the reins even once.

I took on an elderly rescue dog a year ago. She has separation anxiety and is a pain in the rear!

I also have to take my dog everywhere but appreciate that not everyone likes a farty hound sitting under the table at lunch. On those occasions, I decline an invite or phone my dog sitter.

We shall see. I have a feeling it’s more so dog is involved!!

let her organise whatever she wants but organise your own stuff too without the dog and just explain to her why if she gets the hump. “Sorry (friend), I just want to do something without the dog, you’re obviously welcome but please don’t bring the dog”

Is ddog not able to stay at home for social events ever? One of my best friends has a dog and except for the occasional walks I can’t think of single social event that included the dog! Dog is always a at home either by herself or with the dh.

She does put a lot of effort into organising things for other people and is a devoted friend, but it all has to be her way…
How can they be 'things for other people' if it's all her way or a strop?
She doesn't sound a devoted friend, more controlling and selfish!

She probably doesnt want to socialise with bloody toddlers all the time either

Have a chat with her. Can you both agree to compromise? Half of events to be dog friendly, half not? If she throws her toys out of the pram about compromising, what kind of friendship is this? Does she care about your needs?

I would not worry about splitting the group, as the current arrangements sound tedious anyway.

Triggered dog owner alert. lol.

OP has endured the dog meets long before her DC arrived as is clear in the OP.

She’s controlling though isn’t she. She throws her toys out the pram if the meet ups don’t go her way. Well stop pandering to it.

Either carry on as you are or arrange meet ups that don’t include the dog and she has to suck it up or not come. There are your options.

Rescue dogs often have separation anxiety so it could be that she actually can't leave the dog home alone yet. It takes many months to build up their confidence and some dogs never get there. It might not just be that she's a crazy dog lady.

Totally fine to arrange things yourself that are not dog friendly!

We were in the same position with one of our friends actually last year, I have dogs myself so this really isn’t a dog hating thing- I love dogs, but they don’t need to come everywhere or be involved in everything. My friend got a dog that “can’t be left” so every outing had to be in the dog friendly area, beer garden, outdoor seats at the cafe where dogs were allowed etc and last year as the weather got colder we just said no, not prepared to sit outside in the cold for the dog, dog can stay at home for these trips or if thats really a no then unfortunately friend can’t attend.

Her dog can’t be left at home but your toddler is expected to be outside in the cold possibly near dog poop or other strange dogs or near smoke outside a pub? Surely op you are not the only parent in the group who doesn’t enjoy these outings. Find your people and plan something inside and warm. “Queen bee” is invited without dog and she decides to get a sitter or leave at home. Same as any parent does when they cannot include their child