To not want to socialise every time with a bloody dog?

[NoSpanielSympathy]

Friend has a rescue dog she’s very fond of. It’s a nice enough dog but I’m not really a dog person. We have a mutual friendship group, a mix of couples and singles, a few pre-schoolers and babies.

Friend is a bit of a friendship queen bee and does a lot of organising. She regularly organised things like walks and picnics in the summer, and meals.

The dog comes everywhere she goes. That means picnics have to be in the dog bit of the park (which means dog crap everywhere and rogue dogs sticking their noses into food), pub trips are often in pub gardens even in the bitter cold as the dog can’t come inside, meals are always directed to her house because of the dog (either we order a takeaway or everyone brings a dish - I have offered to cook many times but the dog isn’t invited so she always steers it back to hers).

I used to be less bothered, but I have a toddler now, and don’t want to sit in the dog shit bit of the park, or a freezing smoky pub garden anymore, or have my toddler rolling in her dog’s bed!

AIBU to arrange separate meet ups which aren’t dog friendly? She will be upset.

True but I feel if the dog was badly behaved that would have been mentioned!

Why would you say “ bloody “ toddler ? Why are you even on “mums” net
silly comment

Every single meet shouldn't revolve around where the dog can go. This limits where you can go and what you can go. Just like I wouldn't want every meet up to revolve around toddlers (even if I had one)

It sounds like you need to start mixing things up a bit. In my friendship groups some have dogs, some have younger kids, elderly parents they care for, etc. We just do a variety of things and people come to the ones that work for them. For example, one friend with dog wants to come to non-dog friendly restaurant, we pick one near her house to reduce the time she's out, etc. I think if several people start making suggestions and doing the organising you could change the dynamic.

Are there other toddlers? I have to say I’d rather not be obliged to go to a dog/toddler friendly venue all the time! Shocker: I don’t really like other dogs or other people’s toddlers.

The theatre or the cinema is a really good call as a first suggestion - because you obviously can’t bring a dog and there’s no sly way of changing plans to squeeze it in somehow. Obviously, you will probably also need a babysitter, but it’s a good way to shift the dynamic in the first instance and sets a precedent that you can do things that don’t involve a dog, even if it means she doesn’t come.

This..honestly enough already..Someone else needs to organise the event and she can like it or not..she's not that devoted a friend really..she's very controlling it would seem..

It’s fine to organise non- dog meet ups but I think you do need to invite her and let her make up her own mind whether she wants to/ can attend or not. Part of the decision when getting a dog is what will you do if you can’t take a dog to work/ friends/ event and are you willing to miss out? You will just need to be prepared to say no if she asks for it to be altered to be dog friendly. Perhaps now we are going into winter it is a good time to try this as no one will want to sit outside at cafe/ pub so that is an easy request to shut down reasonably

Am I the only one who thinks that it's the 'Queen Bee' and not the dog who is the real target of OP's ire?

I’ve got nothing against the dog, it’s a perfectly standard dog! I object to its preferred social settings

This! I guarantee that poster also cradles her dog to sleep like my insufferable MIL

Just start organising meet ups in places you want to go to. If she tries to steer it to somewhere else, just push back; “Actually Caroline I really want to go to Betty’s Tea Room because I’ve heard the treacle tart is incredible. We can do Fido Friendly Fred’s Diner next time”

If she huffs she huffs. If she says she can’t come, just say a breezy see you next time. If everyone decamps to where she wants to go, you know where you stand - capitulate and suck up the dog dates to keep in with your friend group, or find new friends.

I'm a bit confused by this thread. It's easy enough to find pubs that serve food that accommodate both well behaved dogs and toddlers. Also, most parks surely allow dogs in the majority of the park (excluding kids play areas), some will specify on lead (ie NT or similar) and I think that is the compromise I'd make as dogs so tend to attract other dogs.

Obviously you can make your own plans with people to go wherever you want and not everyone has to go to everything. But you sound a bit like you don't like her. If the dog can't be left alone then they come as a pair, and you should consider that if you do like her and at least sometimes suggest places the dog will be welcome.

OP, if she's single, and has a dog that can't be left, then obviously she's only going to arrange dog friendly meetups, as those will be the only ones she will be able to attend. You're not really expecting her to be doing all the legwork and make arrangements for events for the group that she, herself, cannot attend are you?

If you want to arrange things that inherently aren't dog (and likely toddler) friendly, like the cinema or the theatre, then you make those arrangements, but know that she won't be able to attend, so you are excluding her.

But if its a case of a dog friendly pub dinner or a dinner at a restaurant which isn't dog friendly, then surely a decent person would be happy to compromise and go to somewhere dogs are allowed rather than deliberately excluding a friend. (The same goes for toddler friendly for singles that don't have readily accessible child care options).

If you deliberately just want to knowingly exclude your friend and make things difficult for the sake of a dog free venue when a similar dog friendly one is available, then frankly, you're just not a good friend or a nice person (same goes for someone deliberately picking an adults only restaurant for lunch when they know that someone has a child and no childcare).

It was to make a point about bloody dog 🙄

Nope, dog is a dog and treated as such.

Dinner at a restaurant though? I've never been to one that lets dogs in? Only pub meals surely?

Well, yes, you compromise and dine in a nice dog friendly pub, rather than excluding someone to dine in a non dog friendly restaurant. Because generally people hold the presence of their friends in higher regard than which venue they eat in, and wouldn't choose somewhere that excludes someone.

Let her get the hump. So what?

Dog friendly restaurants do exist. Granted, they aren't that common, but not impossible.

Plus some pubs are more like restaurants anyway at the top end. No need to compromise on quality for the presence of dogs or kids

YANBU. I’m a dog owner and lover - doesn’t mean I want to be around them 24/7!

One of my closest friends got a puppy last year and ever since her life has quite literally revolved around him. She won’t leave the bloody thing alone (not even for an hour!) and then wonders why he has separation anxiety..! No outing is complete without him being there and he goes wherever she goes. If we go out for a meal/drink/coffee he is there and the entire thing must be focused on making a fuss of him, talking about how he’s doing etc. She even has a social media page for him.

In the end I was honest with her and kindly told her that I really don’t care that much! She was offended and it was the end of an otherwise good friendship but I had grown absolutely exhausted and bored of the dog obsession. Like children, your own are interesting.. anyone else’s, not so much!

Just arrange it and stick to your guns, or when she arranges a dog friendly thing just say you aren't available/don't fancy it this time. I wouldn't kick up a fuss, just gently create some dog free opportunities. To be fair to her, she clearly adores her dog and if she arranged everything she is clearly arranging it around her needs. You could initially try an evening, winter thing, and go with "I really fancy some cocktails out, I can get a babysitter can xyz other people and friend can you get a dog sitter if you need one? Then we can have an adults only night out". I can kind of see her point if she arranges a picnic in the park, and she wants to bring her dog, it's a bit churlish to ban him. However, sitting outside a pub in midwinter freezing your tits off because of a dog is totally nutty.

Do you all insist your kids socialise with you all the time?

You need to talk to honestly. People will hate on you for not loving dogs but just like everyone doesn’t love spiders it’s completely fine and normal! I have a dog but I don’t take everywhere as he wouldn’t be comfortable and settled at a picnic for example. I also have a toddler and would be unhappy in your situation. I have friends with dogs and we do dog walks / parks with the kids aswell but other friends who do not that we do not. You are most definitely not being unreasonable but you do need to communicate.

As a dog owner there is absolutely no way I would sit in a dog park whilst eating surrounded by poop and dogs sniffing my food. Is there a reason she can’t leave the dog alone for a few hours?