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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd s boyfriend wants a pre nup .

457 replies

Velveteenrabbitt · 28/10/2025 09:33

dd had been with her bf since uni - he has several investments and earns 85 k plus massive bonuses and his earnings will increase. She earns 32k

They are buying a house together and she is investing 30% of deposit , he 70% . Has he has more money.
They told me y day that he wants a pre nup when they get married.
I must admit I was very shocked as I assumed marriage to be a ‘ we situation’ and everything is shared as in the good and the bad - and why would money be the only thing not shared ?

I spoke to him about it as he told me that his mates just dont get it . He says that its because he has seen some married men lose their home And end up in rented if the couple split up and the man ends up worse off mostly, he wants to make sure that If anything happened its not like that .
The mortgage but also it will be not what i assumed in that it will be - joint ownership - but that he gives 70% contributions to deposit and mortgage payments, and she gives 30 % and that will be reflected too .

We are giving dd part of her deposit. The solicitor says that this is classed as a gift and is paid when the mortgage commences.

dd says that initially she was upset and insulted , but now she understands what he means she is ok with it .

I understand that she will need a solicitor for her part of the pre nup.?
I remain anxious about this - it does not feel normal ?

How can i address this with sensitivity with dd without isolating her from us ?

Ive said to him it needs to be fair and in the marriage would be uneasy if dd had to buy cheap clothes for eg and him with more income had much more spending money.. he said that - what people don't see is he does treat her - and he is generous- but again thats in his control .

He comes from quite a deprived background and I think part of this may be anxiety as he has worked very very hard .

I don't want to interfere , dd adult, but also our dd.I am aware we may need to tread carefully here am looking for balanced support and i want to stay measured about this and calm etc.

OP posts:
Lovingbooks · 28/10/2025 12:03

I think your DD initial reaction of being insulted is telling. I don’t think this will be a fair marriage for your DD she is young he does sound like it’s his way or none. I’m old fashioned in that marriage Is a partnership. As a parent I think all you can do is be practical with DD what if she refuses a prenup do you think the relationship would fail.

MagpiesAreBastards · 28/10/2025 12:03

RoostingHens · 28/10/2025 11:43

42% of marriages end in divorce and that number is actually dropping. So not most.

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Only because fewer couples are getting married. The statistics on unmarried relationship breakdown are even worse. And there is no legal/financial protection then.

LBFseBrom · 28/10/2025 12:05

I thught pre-nups were not valid in this country.

However I think they are a good idea in general with option to change if a couple has children. They aren't even married yet for goodness sake!. Buying a property together is a huge step and of course assets should be protected.

I'd be more concerned about him discussing what is essentially a private matter with friends, even with you.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 28/10/2025 12:05

Thephantom · 28/10/2025 11:18

This ^ really. I bet if the roles were reversed and it was your dd who wanted the prenup , you'll be very pleased with how sensible she was!

Edited
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But roles can never be reversed as he can never suffer the impact of pregnancy, maternity leave and staying at home while the children are young on his career.

Original poster
Velveteenrabbitt · 28/10/2025 12:05

NancyJoan

yes - he uses the term when I buy a house or have children. He had a difficult upbringing-
I am hoping that over time he will have a more flexible thought pattern .
The thing that worries me also is that they currently have a 60 / 40 split on the flat they rent . As he earns more than double , this means that her financial situation is tighter than his - and he keeps a greater proportion of his money , which he probably uses to invest.
Dd says he treats her and is generous - as he is with his parents, but
.if he chooses not to be then she would be struggling- for example a holiday for them
both is a massive proportion of her income but not his
the above is in his control to treat her or not - she may be left without if he chooses
he likes to be in control after chaotic childhood , and years and years of hard work .

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 28/10/2025 12:06

Why cant he protect the assets he enters to marriage with?

If this were a women woth assets people would be advising her not to get married

You haven't given any indication that they won't share financially after marriage.

Peclet · 28/10/2025 12:06

So interesting.

I would look for a time limited of child conditioned arrangement. So the current values are protected until children come along or for the first X years. Then when children come is it likely that she will take maternity leave? There is solid evidence that women loose huge promotion and earning potential once mat leave/baby having begins. Will he take a career break and don’t child rearing? If not the agreement much switch to a 50/50 asset split once children become involved. And further protections in place for all potential offspring going forward.

My DH is a significantly higher earners than I. I have a low paid fulfilling 3rd sector role
that gives me excellent work/life balance. I am the one who stays home with sick children, does all the clubs has a role which is term time only. I earn a fraction of DH. But money is split equally. Crucially it is OUR money. Not his.

Undoubtably our dynamics has allowed him to soar professionally.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 28/10/2025 12:06

Beddaax · 28/10/2025 11:04

Ex-wife.

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are they ex-kids too?

FartSock5000 · 28/10/2025 12:06

@Velveteenrabbitt she is being screwed over in advance.

When the time comes for pregnancy and babies, it won't be him who loses time, wages and pension contributions nor will he be the primary care giver and lose out on career advancement opportunities like many woman can be. Things like taking time off to care for sick kids can impact on promotions and advancement. How is she supposed to go back to school to study for new qualifications while Mr MoneyBags is out all day doing his thing and she has to manage the home and kids? She could (because woman are awesome), but it will be a struggle.

He will go on living his life and earning while your daughter is the one managing a house, life admin, kids and trying to earn in a career that is likely to stall while she is doing all that - and he wants a prenup!

He's just another cheeky male who thinks woman are gold diggers when we have our OWN earning power and we can do it while balancing kids.

I don't see anything wrong in ring fencing what he is spending now on the new house so he gets that back but the pre-nup needs to go. Or at the very least, your daughter should be financially compensated for any pregnancy time and birth injuries as well as body damage like sagging tits from breast feeding, child rearing time and costs of upgrading the house she suffers losses on as part of the agreement.

Get her compensated too! She should be made whole and be back in a pre-children state physically and financially if he gets to keep all his money "just in case".

Theseventhmagpie · 28/10/2025 12:07

GreenFrogYellow · 28/10/2025 09:35

My understanding is that prenups in the UK are not worth the paper they are written on.
if they plan on having a family then this needs to be accounted for anyway. As always, unfair on the female party who will inevitably take a hit in earnings for mat leave etc… I agree, not fair but as they are adults all you can do is raise your concerns with her and then leave them to it.

Not so.
They are not binding but will potentially be taken into consideration provided both spouses had legal advice.

Hankunamatata · 28/10/2025 12:07

Velveteenrabbitt · 28/10/2025 12:05

NancyJoan

yes - he uses the term when I buy a house or have children. He had a difficult upbringing-
I am hoping that over time he will have a more flexible thought pattern .
The thing that worries me also is that they currently have a 60 / 40 split on the flat they rent . As he earns more than double , this means that her financial situation is tighter than his - and he keeps a greater proportion of his money , which he probably uses to invest.
Dd says he treats her and is generous - as he is with his parents, but
.if he chooses not to be then she would be struggling- for example a holiday for them
both is a massive proportion of her income but not his
the above is in his control to treat her or not - she may be left without if he chooses
he likes to be in control after chaotic childhood , and years and years of hard work .

The you encourage them both to discuss what financial arrangements would look like after they marry and if they have children.

This doesnt have any bearing on his assets he enters the arrange with. They are his and should remain his.

LillyPJ · 28/10/2025 12:07

Velveteenrabbitt · 28/10/2025 12:05

NancyJoan

yes - he uses the term when I buy a house or have children. He had a difficult upbringing-
I am hoping that over time he will have a more flexible thought pattern .
The thing that worries me also is that they currently have a 60 / 40 split on the flat they rent . As he earns more than double , this means that her financial situation is tighter than his - and he keeps a greater proportion of his money , which he probably uses to invest.
Dd says he treats her and is generous - as he is with his parents, but
.if he chooses not to be then she would be struggling- for example a holiday for them
both is a massive proportion of her income but not his
the above is in his control to treat her or not - she may be left without if he chooses
he likes to be in control after chaotic childhood , and years and years of hard work .

Never get into a relationship hoping that somebody will change!

MO0N · 28/10/2025 12:08

CactusPat · 28/10/2025 09:38

I wouldn’t particularly want to marry somebody who was already planning our divorce in detail, in honesty.

I agree with this but at the same time I think it's very difficult to make things fair and equal in a relationship where one partner significantly out earns (or is significantly wealthier than) the other.
I wonder how the daughter would feel if the boot was on the other foot?

RoseAlone · 28/10/2025 12:08

Can't blame him. If the shoe was on the other foot, you'd be advising her to protect herself and her assets should the worst happen.

Alucard55 · 28/10/2025 12:10

HRTFT so maybe someone else has asked. But if this was your son what would you be advising?

surprisebaby12 · 28/10/2025 12:11

Pre nups don’t have huge legal sway in the uk.

Hankunamatata · 28/10/2025 12:12

I think lots people here underestimate being dirt poor and the worry of going back there

Perhaps encourage them to seek couples counselling if they cant have open dialogue about money and future financial planning as a married couple.

Original poster
Velveteenrabbitt · 28/10/2025 12:14

ScupperedbytheSea

His dad is very macho actually .
he idolises him .
the bf once said to me that he seems some of his mates as ‘ p’ whipped and that he would not take that in a relationship. It shocked me . other than this money aspect he is very traditional and actually also says its mans job to be the provider . He talks about his money quite a bit . Initially when we met him , he practiced extreme frugality to get were he is today.. but over the years , he says that he now values going out for meals , drinks etc.. whereas before he just would not. So- he has grown in his feelings over time and learnt about things he struggled with , perhaps due to fear and , whilst i found the expression offensive i think that he has some ability to be flexible .

OP posts:
loveawineloveacrisp · 28/10/2025 12:15

Well he's very wise. My daughter owns her flat 100% but her boyfriend lives there. If they ever get married she will be getting a pre-nup as well.

Susan7654 · 28/10/2025 12:15

LillyPJ · 28/10/2025 11:48

Why should a man be a 'provider'? It's not the 1950s.

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Good luck having kids with a man that is not a provider.

Houseleeks · 28/10/2025 12:15

While I understand the concept and the "fair's fair" logic of him hanging on to his investment, I wouldn't buy a house with him on that basis. It's not a level playing field and while in financial terms he's paying more £££ than your daughter, they're both paying 100% of what they can afford. It's not as though she has a choice or the ability to pay the same amount. Also, it'll never be a level playing field if they have children. As for him being generous, that's all very patronising if they are truly a couple. It also gives him all the control, which is a bit disturbing. I wouldn't mind betting that all of the examples he's given of the men who've "lost their homes" have children who needed roofs over theirs heads. I cannot get my mind around the idea that your daughter will be managing on what remains of her income and is married to a man who is substantially better off.

I genuinely can see his point of view, but personally I don't think I could marry a man or buy a house with someone who saw me as a potential financial liability.

LeedsLoiner · 28/10/2025 12:16

Put a clause in the pre-nup that says "in the event of infidelity or domestic violence by the male partner being the cause of their separation then the pre-nup is voided and she gets 50% of everything", let's see if he signs up to that...

Original poster
Velveteenrabbitt · 28/10/2025 12:16

Hankunamatata

yes agree - I was just posting about that In the above thread actually!

OP posts:
5128gap · 28/10/2025 12:16

I think you're right to be concerned. Relationships with this sort of discrepancy between what each party is bringing to the table can only really work when the person bringing the most doesn't see it as an issue. I think there's less to worry about in whether she'd be treated fairly on separation as she can't sign her rights away, and more about what their marriage will look like. A my money/your money model is doomed to failure unless both parties are roughly equal imo.

CuddlyPug · 28/10/2025 12:18

I have sons and I would exactly be telling them to have an agreement and all the legal protections they can get. They will inherit money that has taken two generations of hard work to accumulate. I don't want somebody they are married to for a few years walking off with half of their assets that were earned with often back breaking work and a lot of sacrifice by their parents and grandparents.