Dd s boyfriend wants a pre nup .

[Velveteenrabbitt]

dd had been with her bf since uni - he has several investments and earns 85 k plus massive bonuses and his earnings will increase. She earns 32k

They are buying a house together and she is investing 30% of deposit , he 70% . Has he has more money.
They told me y day that he wants a pre nup when they get married.
I must admit I was very shocked as I assumed marriage to be a ‘ we situation’ and everything is shared as in the good and the bad - and why would money be the only thing not shared ?

I spoke to him about it as he told me that his mates just dont get it . He says that its because he has seen some married men lose their home And end up in rented if the couple split up and the man ends up worse off mostly, he wants to make sure that If anything happened its not like that .
The mortgage but also it will be not what i assumed in that it will be - joint ownership - but that he gives 70% contributions to deposit and mortgage payments, and she gives 30 % and that will be reflected too .

We are giving dd part of her deposit. The solicitor says that this is classed as a gift and is paid when the mortgage commences.

dd says that initially she was upset and insulted , but now she understands what he means she is ok with it .

I understand that she will need a solicitor for her part of the pre nup.?
I remain anxious about this - it does not feel normal ?

How can i address this with sensitivity with dd without isolating her from us ?

Ive said to him it needs to be fair and in the marriage would be uneasy if dd had to buy cheap clothes for eg and him with more income had much more spending money.. he said that - what people don't see is he does treat her - and he is generous- but again thats in his control .

He comes from quite a deprived background and I think part of this may be anxiety as he has worked very very hard .

I don't want to interfere , dd adult, but also our dd.I am aware we may need to tread carefully here am looking for balanced support and i want to stay measured about this and calm etc.

If taking half the assets of a marriage ‘clears the man out’ then that suggests there were very little by way of assets. If it leaves her well off then he must be well off with the other half too.

If the prenup gets signed (which is sensible) it's his stuff.

All this talk of a prenup might be his way of actually signaling he doesn’t want to get married if they are just at the stage of joint property ownership as an unmarried couple they can buy in unequal shares with a deed of trust. Either way your DD has to make the decision based on what he’s like in the relationship if this is causing rows now they don’t sound like a couple who could work together in a marriage.

it would be a really stupid decision to agree to be without any income and stay home to take care of a man, his house and children and also agree you will have no right to any assets he accumulates during this time.

There can be an alimony requirement. But no right to assets he has.

@G5000 If they marry she has rights!!! That’s why marriage is always better for the lower earning spouse. Some people need to understand the difference between marriage and cohabiting.

that's the entire point of the thread, the boyfriend in question believes OPs DD should not have the same rights to assets.

I remember a thread before where a a poster was talking a time when man cheated on his finance before the wedding. He apologised, the wife pretended to accept his apology but they she waited to get married for the sole purpose of taking half his stuff.

I know a PP on a different thread who refused to marry her DP who she lived with and had kids with because "she didn't want him taking half his stuff"

There could be but why would you enter a marriage where you will always be the ‘junior partner’? Where you know if he threatens to leave you won’t be able to afford a house? Where he has extra weight in all decisions because he ‘pays the most’?

Then the DD can negotiate for better income protection and/or not being a SAHM

You're not wrong but most men enter a marriage expecting and intending for the woman to always be the junior partner.
If she starts earning more then he does he will find some way to crush her back down to where he thinks she should be.

I think it's fine as long as they don't have kids, if they do decide to have kids, I would want him to pay me compensation if I was her. Transactional relationships are only fair if they work both ways.

As a woman I am far better with money than my man. When we end things you better belive i am taking my money with me. Should be the same with men

"Imagine being a man, working hard providing for a family and then the woman decides to up and leave with 50% of your stuff."

Imagine being a woman, working hard to raise your children at the expense of your career, your pension, even your health, trusting that your marriage was a shared mission, and then being abandoned by your husband and told that everything you thought you shared was just "his stuff."

Those OP’s were in relationships for wrong reasons, does not mean OP’s dd wants to do the same and it does not mean her fiancée’s offer is reasonable - expecting her to leave job to raise kids and look after home and at the same time telling her my money is mine. Imaginary divorce aside, he is controlling.

It sounds like your daughter is handling it well. As long as she gets her own solicitor and it’s fair, a prenup can just be a sensible way to protect both of them without affecting their relationship.

Then don’t get married and certainly never have children.

The number of times on here that I read pre nups are not worth the paper they are written on. This is not the case. Look at this link ( could have been one of a thousand) IF drawn up properly then yes they are taken seriously by courts. Yes there are other ways of protecting deposits in property too.
https://www.equifax.co.uk/resources/money-management/prenups-and-divorce.html

Or do what ever i please and have some legal paperwork to protect me lol

I think the arrangement is fine as long as they don't want children

I think it's good he is protecting himself, although I don't think pre-nups are binding in the UK.

He should ring fence his deposit. What if they split up within a year, why should your dd get half the house when she didn't pay half the deposit or mortgage?

They need to make adjustments for any life changes(children, maternity leave, SAHP etc) but your dd should prioritise excelling in her own career and not replying on a man.

She would have had to stay married to him for quite a while to get 50% of his stuff.

Totally agree, my post was facetious...hence the nausea emoji

Ah, apologies. Unfortunately, can’t always spot satire on these types of threads as plenty of people would say what you did with total conviction and sincerity!

We have unequal incomes but it's not a problem. It's all pooled as 'ours'. Surely most marriages aren't equally matched for income? In our case, we married as students, on equal scholarships, had no idea where life would take us or who would earn what. With children being born and my industry not being as lucrative, his earning capacity has grown more than mine. It doesn't matter. It's a life we've built together and we don't think in terms of his and mine when it comes to money. Just ours. He doesn't get more weight in decisions because he earns more. That would be sad. We are equal partners. Income doesn't determine that.