Page 15 | Dd s boyfriend wants a pre nup .

Velveteenrabbitt · 2025-10-28T09:33:00+00:00

dd had been with her bf since uni - he has several investments and earns 85 k plus massive bonuses and his earnings will increase. She earns 32k They are buying a house together and she is investing 30% of deposit , he 70% . Has he has more money. They told me y day that he wants a pre nup when they get married. I must admit I was very shocked as I assumed marriage to be a ‘ we situation’ and everything is shared as in the good and the bad - and why would money be the only thing not shared ? I spoke to him about it as he told me that his mates just dont get it . He says that its because he has seen some married men lose their home And end up in rented if the couple split up and the man ends up worse off mostly, he wants to make sure that If anything happened its not like that . The mortgage but also it will be not what i assumed in that it will be - joint ownership - but that he gives 70% contributions to deposit and mortgage payments, and she gives 30 % and that will be reflected too . We are giving dd part of her deposit. The solicitor says that this is classed as a gift and is paid when the mortgage commences. dd says that initially she was upset and insulted , but now she understands what he means she is ok with it . I understand that she will need a solicitor for her part of the pre nup.? I remain anxious about this - it does not feel normal ? How can i address this with sensitivity with dd without isolating her from us ? Ive said to him it needs to be fair and in the marriage would be uneasy if dd had to buy cheap clothes for eg and him with more income had much more spending money.. he said that - what people don't see is he does treat her - and he is generous- but again thats in his control . He comes from quite a deprived background and I think part of this may be anxiety as he has worked very very hard . I don't want to interfere , dd adult, but also our dd.I am aware we may need to tread carefully here am looking for balanced support and i want to stay measured about this and calm etc.

Beddaax · 28/10/2025 18:36

Redburnett · 28/10/2025 18:34

It is hypothetical, but i wonder what would happen if the young woman in this scenario simply refused to sign a pre-nup, and said something like 'either you want to marry me expecting it to last our whole lives and we share all our assets because we are partners/a family or there is no point continuing with the relationship.' The reaction of the man could be very telling.

Blatantly refuse this prenup or any prenup? I've seen an PP many threads and years ago saying she didn't want to marry her DP (who she lives with and has kids with) because "I don't want him taking half my stuff".

HedwigEliza · 28/10/2025 18:39

OhDear111 · 28/10/2025 18:27

@HedwigEliza A lower earning woman is always better off being married if she got dc and there’s a divorce. Not being married means no split of marital assets so a woman without anything gets nothing. It’s still beneficial to be married for most women. Yes they should continue to work and no, DH should not do 50:50. He will then demand that in terms of cars of dc and it leads to arguing over dc. It’s better for women to keep working and do more for dc. This keeps them and dc in a stronger position and not be bullied to give up dc to the higher earner in a divorce.

I find this approach towards marriage really quite sad. So transactional, always keeping tabs on what the other person is doing, how much they’re contributing, always with an eye on the future in case things don’t work out, never fully committed or a team player, making sure you have advantages when it all goes pear shaped, instead of thinking what’s in the best interests of the children. I wouldn’t want it for myself, and it’s not my approach at all.

ItWasTheBabycham · 28/10/2025 18:41

Prenups aren’t automatically binding in the UK but they are sensible, and courts will often uphold them. Ask your DD to consider what will happen if she decides to have children and stay at home, losing earning power

OhDear111 · 28/10/2025 18:48

@HedwigEliza It’s transactional for men to argue they want 50:50 care of dc and then farm it out. Women need to keep working - it’s not transactional. It’s trying to fend for yourself if you need to. A women can have dc with a partner and be significantly worse off than a married mum. A not married mum is entitled to no marital assets. There aren’t any. In this case, she’s better off being married and marriages if they split, are all about money!

Rewis · 28/10/2025 18:51

Beddaax · 28/10/2025 15:17

Why are we all assuming he'll be a controlling abusive jerk?

I don't know about controlling and abusive. But a man who says that he won't be pussywhipped like his mates, man needs to be provider, my wife won't work when we have young kids. But also talking about protecting future assets (unclear if they will he married by then)and bill splitting in marriage with large income difference does not give good vibes.

thepariscrimefiles · 28/10/2025 18:54

Velveteenrabbitt · 28/10/2025 12:14

ScupperedbytheSea

His dad is very macho actually .
he idolises him .
the bf once said to me that he seems some of his mates as ‘ p’ whipped and that he would not take that in a relationship. It shocked me . other than this money aspect he is very traditional and actually also says its mans job to be the provider . He talks about his money quite a bit . Initially when we met him , he practiced extreme frugality to get were he is today.. but over the years , he says that he now values going out for meals , drinks etc.. whereas before he just would not. So- he has grown in his feelings over time and learnt about things he struggled with , perhaps due to fear and , whilst i found the expression offensive i think that he has some ability to be flexible .

He used the term 'pussy whipped' to his girlfriend's mum? I really don't like the sound of him.

He sounds controlling and sexist, with lots of double standards, i.e. it's the man's job to be the provider but there are string attached with the pre-nup. I would imagine that he would leave all the child care to your daughter if they have children.

Coffeetime25 · 28/10/2025 18:58

it does seem reasonable to me and he has a point if marrying for love this should not be a problem she gets legal advice and signs or gets legal advice and walks away
if marrying for money then I can see this being an issue either way

AtBeaverGoat · 28/10/2025 19:05

Poonu · 28/10/2025 09:48

Would you feel this way if the roles were reversed OP and your daughter was a higher earner?

I’m sure the mother of the boyfriend probably thinks a prenup of some sort is very good idea for her son

Candlesandmatches · 28/10/2025 19:17

They should talk about what will happen if they have a baby? Will he give her an allowance, expect her to live of savings. Will he continue to be 'generous' If they are husband and wife he should accept that all assets and income are shared. If he won’t/cant/doesn’t I would be very worried about her future and their marriage. As long as she isnt financially reckless he’s setting the marriage up for resentment and a feeling of insecurity.
Also 85k isn’t a huge wage - it’s good but not in the super league and he should maybe bear that in mind.

MagpiesAreBastards · 28/10/2025 19:18

thepariscrimefiles · 28/10/2025 18:54

He used the term 'pussy whipped' to his girlfriend's mum? I really don't like the sound of him.

He sounds controlling and sexist, with lots of double standards, i.e. it's the man's job to be the provider but there are string attached with the pre-nup. I would imagine that he would leave all the child care to your daughter if they have children.

Show quote history

100% agree. He sounds awful and misogynistic, which usually comes with being traditional. He will use his money on his terms, and doesn't want to share it. The history of 'frugality' would really concern me if they have kids.

Trendyname · 28/10/2025 19:28

OhDear111 · 28/10/2025 17:07

@TrendynamePre nups are very standard on second marriages where there can be a lot of money involved. In the case here, it’s really an agreement about what’s going into the deposit so it’s a very limited pre nup. He just wants his % back.

The recent Standish v Standish case changes the landscape on what non matrimonial assets look like (what each person has before marriage) but the house will be a matrimonial asset as he’s not owned it for years before marriage. What he could ring fence is wealth he has acquired prior to the marriage. It’s not unusual to protect a very uneven deposit for a house either. After marriage, wealth accrued after that date is in the matrimonial pot so pensions, cars, property etc. Children alter the landscape too.

Any woman earning less than dh can agree to a pre nup but when dc arrive it’s not going to count. A short marriage and no dc, it will.

It’s purely an agreement about money. It’s no reflection of love and caring for each other or dc. Women go into marriage with substantial funds too! They also might want to ring fence that wealth.

I am not talking about how standard they are for any number of marriages. What I am saying is if you enter a marriage already planning about a scenario where you are getting divorced, you are not a generous person ( not generous in terms of money but overall), you will find relationship hard each time you have to compromise and your spouse gains something.

What if OP’s dd have some health issues, would he feel that he is getting a worse deal by supporting her?
Prenup is a kind of guarantee that you would not lose your assets if you divorce but there are no guarantees in this relationship. There are other things at stake too.
I think some people are not suited for a relationship like marriage and this man preoccupied with losing his home in case of divorce seems like one of those. I don’t think this guy can handle a full on relationship like marriage. He is too focused on money and practical things. If I am op, I would advise my dd based on what I think right rather than what I think she wants to hear.

Trendyname · 28/10/2025 19:44

Velveteenrabbitt · 28/10/2025 12:14

ScupperedbytheSea

His dad is very macho actually .
he idolises him .
the bf once said to me that he seems some of his mates as ‘ p’ whipped and that he would not take that in a relationship. It shocked me . other than this money aspect he is very traditional and actually also says its mans job to be the provider . He talks about his money quite a bit . Initially when we met him , he practiced extreme frugality to get were he is today.. but over the years , he says that he now values going out for meals , drinks etc.. whereas before he just would not. So- he has grown in his feelings over time and learnt about things he struggled with , perhaps due to fear and , whilst i found the expression offensive i think that he has some ability to be flexible .

I don’t like this guy already. This marriage seems all about him, what he wants.

He wants prenup, doesn’t want his wife to work and only look after children.

He idolises his macho dad, has old fashioned views on a man’s role in marriage. He does not know how to speak in front of his wife’s mother.

He had poor childhood, so your dd needs to adjust to his anxieties over money, etc and likes to be control.

What does your dd want in marriage? Does she want to work, have financial independence? How old is she?

What if she gets pregnant soon after, doesn’t work and 10 years down the line they divorce, he will be earning a lot more, while your dd will have nothing. Yes, he will pay for child maintenance but will she regret that she left working for a man like him?

Beddaax · 28/10/2025 19:50

Rewis · 28/10/2025 18:51

I don't know about controlling and abusive. But a man who says that he won't be pussywhipped like his mates, man needs to be provider, my wife won't work when we have young kids. But also talking about protecting future assets (unclear if they will he married by then)and bill splitting in marriage with large income difference does not give good vibes.

Show quote history

A man providing is a good thing. Why would a man want his assets taken from him?

It's good for young kids to have a mum at home.

G5000 · 28/10/2025 20:12

Beddaax · 28/10/2025 19:50

A man providing is a good thing. Why would a man want his assets taken from him?

It's good for young kids to have a mum at home.

Show quote history

Someone to provide all the free childcare and domestic work, but all money and assets will be his. Brilliant deal.

windintheoak · 28/10/2025 20:13

Kubricklayer · 28/10/2025 11:45

Tbf I wouldn't have wanted to marry someone who throws themselves into things without careful consideration. Or someone so easily offended they couldn't see the value in a pragmatic approach to assets and finances, instead making it all about their fragile ego.

Edited

Show quote history

I can see it if you marry a bit later in life and have assets to protect for your children or whatever. Otherwise, I see marriage as entering into a partnership. If I'm entering it already planning for my divorce, I think it's best to just not marry or walk away.

I'm also coming from the point where we married young, have been together over 30 years, and built everything together from nothing.

I'd never have another relationship at this point, partly to protect assets I need for life and for my children. No prenup nonsense.

windintheoak · 28/10/2025 20:16

Velveteenrabbitt · 28/10/2025 12:05

NancyJoan

yes - he uses the term when I buy a house or have children. He had a difficult upbringing-
I am hoping that over time he will have a more flexible thought pattern .
The thing that worries me also is that they currently have a 60 / 40 split on the flat they rent . As he earns more than double , this means that her financial situation is tighter than his - and he keeps a greater proportion of his money , which he probably uses to invest.
Dd says he treats her and is generous - as he is with his parents, but
.if he chooses not to be then she would be struggling- for example a holiday for them
both is a massive proportion of her income but not his
the above is in his control to treat her or not - she may be left without if he chooses
he likes to be in control after chaotic childhood , and years and years of hard work .

You should never marry someone hoping they will change.

Scottishskifun · 28/10/2025 20:18

Velveteenrabbitt · 28/10/2025 12:14

ScupperedbytheSea

His dad is very macho actually .
he idolises him .
the bf once said to me that he seems some of his mates as ‘ p’ whipped and that he would not take that in a relationship. It shocked me . other than this money aspect he is very traditional and actually also says its mans job to be the provider . He talks about his money quite a bit . Initially when we met him , he practiced extreme frugality to get were he is today.. but over the years , he says that he now values going out for meals , drinks etc.. whereas before he just would not. So- he has grown in his feelings over time and learnt about things he struggled with , perhaps due to fear and , whilst i found the expression offensive i think that he has some ability to be flexible .

I think there might possibly be more red flags by the sound of it then just the pre-nup OP!

Your DD needs a honest conversation with him before going deeper.
If they have children how is parenting going to look like for instance?!

It sounds very much that he will pull all the strings potentially leave her as a SAHP with borderline financial control/abuse.

Being in a marriage is about working as a team so is being a parent and helping each other.

I would be very concerned about that comment and some of the behaviours.

G5000 · 28/10/2025 20:21

any 'provider' and 'whipped' language and I'd advise my daughter to run a mile. More red flags than a Communist parade. Is he also a high value alpha man?

windintheoak · 28/10/2025 20:23

He doesn't sound like someone I'd choose for my daughter.

Rosiedayss · 28/10/2025 20:42

When a deposit is coming from one set of parents they have every right to have an opinion on protecting what they are putting in, as much as he clearly is.

He actually used the term pussy whipped while speaking to you, his potential future MIL?

OP, he is clearly rough, coarse, uncouth and low class.
Not normal language to be using around someone you respect.
He doesn't know any better?

Is your daughter marrying down?
With his vulgar language, chaotic childhood, misogynistic views, and his controlling language it certainly reads as if she is.

Is this seriously the first time you have had concerns about him?
I would be voicing my concerns and withdrawing the offer of money.

I wouldn't have any confidence in him being good enough for her.
I wouldn't trust him.

What ages are they?

zupro · 28/10/2025 20:54

It’s v unromantic, but also v sensible.

This and I will advise my dc to do the same.

No5ChalksRoad · 28/10/2025 21:21

G5000 · 28/10/2025 20:21

any 'provider' and 'whipped' language and I'd advise my daughter to run a mile. More red flags than a Communist parade. Is he also a high value alpha man?

Yes, he doesn’t seem like much of a catch. I think they all are mesmerized by his salary.

Rewis · 28/10/2025 22:04

Beddaax · 28/10/2025 19:50

A man providing is a good thing. Why would a man want his assets taken from him?

It's good for young kids to have a mum at home.

Show quote history

I have a feeling we have slightly different views on Mum staying at home and man being the provider. But assuming this is the setup they want, that is very good for them. None of what op has shared has not made it sound like he is planning on being a provider. There has to be serious discussion if he is expecting her to save her share of the outgoings before staying home with the kids or if he will cover it. Could be that he is happy to pay into her personal savings and pension and cover 100% of everything but could not.

I previously wrote that I have no issues with protecting inheritance, premarital assets, ringfencing deposit etc. But at the moment his assets are money in his account/investments. He doesn't actually own a company or a house that he needs to protect. That combined with comments about pussywhipped, making 3 times more money 60/40 split, 70/30 split and then doing the macho man provider bs just gives bad vibes.

G5000 · 29/10/2025 05:47

yeah it really doesn't work like this. If you are provider then provide for your family. You can't go around claiming you're a provider while keeping all money to yourself.

ThisTaupeZebra · 29/10/2025 06:44

InterIgnis · 28/10/2025 18:01

Or you can marry and choose not to totally merge finances and assets 🤷🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

You can choose to do that. Right up until you get divorced. Then marital assets will be considered marital assets and concealing them from the court is highly ill-advised.