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Original poster

Is the consensus that we don't tell the girlfriend?

59 replies

BlueLeavesGreenSea · 27/10/2025 22:11

I was with my ex for over two years, I decided that I should end our relationship because I wasn't always able to give him the time he wanted due to work and family. There was no indifference, I still loved him, but it became untenable watching him suffer, or give me silent treatment. We remained very close, still slept together at times, and spoke to each other most days. I was not interested in anyone else and made no attempt to move on or date. He was a safe space for me and I didn't want anyone else, although of course I was stupid to break up with him.

10 months on, we met up, had a lovely time, felt like a real reconciliation, he told me he is still very much in love with, and we slept together. He told me he'd been on a couple of dates with a woman, but this wasnt the first time he'd dated, of course he's entitled to do so. I said how sorry I was, and how I'd made a mistake and should never have broken up with him. After we slept together he told me he was seeing the woman he'd been out witb twice the next day. I was very upset but again, my fault for letting him go.

Over the period of the next week he repeatedly told me how much he loves me, he wants to marry me, I'm everything to him etc. Nearly a week later he told he he lay naked with this woman the night after we slept together, then told me he was meant to be meeting her brother at the weekend. He says he didn't realise he was in a relationship but that he would break it off.

Anyway , this has gone on for over a fortnight. Push and pull, telling me he loves me, he's leaving her, he doesn't want to be with her, whilst simultaneously arranging to meet with her, he took her out for birthday. He is all over me one moment reassuring me about how he feels, but the next told me he couldn't promise he wouldn't sleep with her. He is nearly 51.

There is nothing good for me here now. I could never have imagined this behaviour from this man. I can't belive I allowed myself to get drawn in, I'm working with my therapist to explore why I belived and accepted lies and breadcrumbs and have lived on adrenaline and anxiety during this.

I feel guilty about it. Their relationship is very new, maybe two months, is the consensus always not to say anything, even if its gently with some proof?

OP posts:
CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 27/10/2025 22:20

She’s a new relationship and he’s working out if she’s a better match than you by continuing to get to know her. Cake, eating it, etc.

Brightbluesomething · 27/10/2025 22:21

You’re the OW here. He’s with someone else and progressing that relationship.
I’d stop contact especially as he’s given you the silent treatment before. Don’t do the pick me dance. This is an ego boost for him. Leave. No good will come of this.

mikado1 · 27/10/2025 22:22

Definitely don't wade into that OP. Sorry how it worked out for you tho. His loss

PashaMinaMio · 27/10/2025 22:25

You’ll just have to stand back and tell him that if he really wants to be with you he absolutely must finish with her.

Tell him that when he’s done that, you’ll talk to him about moving forward. Until then, totally shut him down whilst he makes up his mind.

Dont let him play you. Cake and eat it is very apt.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 27/10/2025 22:25

Well if he used to give you the silent treatment, and as he can't keep his dick in his trousers, you'd be doing his girlfriend a favour, telling her.

NarnianQueen · 27/10/2025 22:27

What do you think will happen? He’ll choose you because she will dump him?

He’s not leaving her because he doesn’t want to. And it’s not as if she’s his wife of 10 years! He’s leading you on. Get out of it now with your dignity intact and let go

vodkaredbullgirl · 27/10/2025 22:31

Probably because he's not getting it from her. Block him

Original poster
BlueLeavesGreenSea · 27/10/2025 22:33

I don't want him, well I do, but I don't want this. This isn't what a good relationship is built on.

I trusted this man, he went on two cycling holidays, and I didnt think he would cheat. He was a safe option and gave alot of time to me. I feel disturbed by what I've witnessed over the last few weeks. I don't think I could ever get back to him like that again. So telling her wouldn't be so I could jump into bed with him without guilt, part of me wants to do it because I'm angry that he should get his cake and eat it, part of me wants to because I would absolutely want to know so I can make an informed decision, part of me because fuck him.

OP posts:
Diarygirlqueen · 27/10/2025 22:34

I wouldn't tell her, personally, why bring this drama into your life at your stage of life.
Block him and move on, there are better men out there.

HelloCharming · 28/10/2025 07:20

Pick me dance…don’t do it. Honestly he’s not worth your time or your headspace. He has, to use a phrase on here, told you who he is. He is getting his ego (and dick) stoked by two women. An honourable bloke wouldn’t be doing this to you.

Endofyear · 28/10/2025 07:46

You obviously want to tell her - don't kid yourself you're doing it out of concern for her. This is revenge, and it's vindictive. If I were you, I'd walk away and realise that you've dodged a bullet - he isn't the person you thought he was.

growinguptobreakingdown · 28/10/2025 07:47

No, don't tell her. He will just frame you as the crazy ex. He would be better off pursuing this new relationship, and you would be better off moving on. It sounds like you both had unfinished business with each other and can't accept it is over when it is.

Original poster
BlueLeavesGreenSea · 28/10/2025 07:54

Would no one want to know if it were you, really? Would you not like to be able to make an informed decision based on information about a person? I would want to know.

OP posts:
ButtonMushrooms · 28/10/2025 07:56

I think you're minimising the reasons you broke up in the first place OP. It is not your fault that he gave you the silent treatment, that's abusive behaviour, but you seem to be blaming yourself for it.

Anyway, in this situation, I wouldn't mention anything to his girlfriend. Just exit with dignity.

EmpressaurusKitty · 28/10/2025 07:57

BlueLeavesGreenSea · 28/10/2025 07:54

Would no one want to know if it were you, really? Would you not like to be able to make an informed decision based on information about a person? I would want to know.

He’s a prick & both of you would be better off without him. I’d block him & warn her.

Even if he does paint you as the crazy ex, at least then she has the information.

chunkyBoo · 28/10/2025 07:57

You let him down when you dumped him, he’s not committing to you, perhaps because you left him once already. I’d walk away personally and leave them to it

cloudtreecarpet · 28/10/2025 08:00

I would explore your motivation for telling her with your therapist.

Is it about protecting her from hurt or to punish him because of his behaviour?

winnieranran · 28/10/2025 08:02

The only reason you want to tell him to fuck up his life...

PollyBell · 28/10/2025 08:02

BlueLeavesGreenSea · 28/10/2025 07:54

Would no one want to know if it were you, really? Would you not like to be able to make an informed decision based on information about a person? I would want to know.

You can dress it up the way you want you are trying to stop feeling guilty by putting it onto her you made your choice no one forced you

You do both have terrible choice in men though so you have that in common

DiscoBob · 28/10/2025 08:03

BlueLeavesGreenSea · 28/10/2025 07:54

Would no one want to know if it were you, really? Would you not like to be able to make an informed decision based on information about a person? I would want to know.

But you're not his girlfriend, she is. It could backfire. You need to take responsibility for the fact you allowed him to string you along. Not seek bitter revenge.

Just forget about him and move on with your life.

AutumnFroglets · 28/10/2025 08:06

I wasn't always able to give him the time he wanted due to work and family. (..) but it became untenable watching him suffer, or give me silent treatment.

He was a safe space for me.

Both sentences cannot be true, and you need to work with a therapist to find out why you consider an abusive relationship to be safe. What does "watching him suffer" mean btw, most people have work and family commitments and don't watch their partner suffer. I suspect this involves coercive behaviour tbh and my advice is run. He's not safe. He's not supportive. He's not loving. He's not a good man. And do The Freedom Programme before dating again.

Liissey0710 · 28/10/2025 08:07

BlueLeavesGreenSea · 28/10/2025 07:54

Would no one want to know if it were you, really? Would you not like to be able to make an informed decision based on information about a person? I would want to know.

If they were exclusive maybe. I was talking to maybe 3 guys and meet on before i starting dating my husband. I didnt feel the need to tell them as i wasnt in a relationship with them. They have had maybe 5 dates and starting sleeping together, you have no idea if she has other dates too. Unless they were monogamous which doesnt sound like they were as he said he didnt think they were

Wildgoat · 28/10/2025 08:08

Yeah, I’m not sure you can dump someone and then expect them to just drop everything when you decide to take them back and he should be honest with you he is hesitant to make that decision.

personally no I’d not tell his girlfriend, but I would say to him, look make your decision, let me know, but I won’t be with you again until you do. As continuing to shag him when you know he’s with someone else is on you as well as him.

Twinkylightsg · 28/10/2025 08:08

BlueLeavesGreenSea · 28/10/2025 07:54

Would no one want to know if it were you, really? Would you not like to be able to make an informed decision based on information about a person? I would want to know.

Not really as it is a new relationship. You don't know what they have agreed or not agreed.

Some people do date for a couple of months before making it exclusive.

GreyCarpet · 28/10/2025 08:11

BlueLeavesGreenSea · 28/10/2025 07:54

Would no one want to know if it were you, really? Would you not like to be able to make an informed decision based on information about a person? I would want to know.

I would too.

But you are too vulnerable in this situation. You really.dont need this man or any part of his life entwined with yours.

You've seen now who he is and what he's capable of.

If he really believed all those things he said about you, he'd have had too much respect for you to sleep with you when he was seeing someone else.

He'd have avoided sex with you or broken things off with her immediately when he realised he still had those feelings for you. So he doesn't respect her either.

She thinks he is the man you believed you were with too. Would you really have believed it if someone had contacted you? Really? Think about the man/relationship you thought you had then and not the man you know he is now.

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