Is the consensus that we don't tell the girlfriend?

[BlueLeavesGreenSea]

I was with my ex for over two years, I decided that I should end our relationship because I wasn't always able to give him the time he wanted due to work and family. There was no indifference, I still loved him, but it became untenable watching him suffer, or give me silent treatment. We remained very close, still slept together at times, and spoke to each other most days. I was not interested in anyone else and made no attempt to move on or date. He was a safe space for me and I didn't want anyone else, although of course I was stupid to break up with him.

10 months on, we met up, had a lovely time, felt like a real reconciliation, he told me he is still very much in love with, and we slept together. He told me he'd been on a couple of dates with a woman, but this wasnt the first time he'd dated, of course he's entitled to do so. I said how sorry I was, and how I'd made a mistake and should never have broken up with him. After we slept together he told me he was seeing the woman he'd been out witb twice the next day. I was very upset but again, my fault for letting him go.

Over the period of the next week he repeatedly told me how much he loves me, he wants to marry me, I'm everything to him etc. Nearly a week later he told he he lay naked with this woman the night after we slept together, then told me he was meant to be meeting her brother at the weekend. He says he didn't realise he was in a relationship but that he would break it off.

Anyway , this has gone on for over a fortnight. Push and pull, telling me he loves me, he's leaving her, he doesn't want to be with her, whilst simultaneously arranging to meet with her, he took her out for birthday. He is all over me one moment reassuring me about how he feels, but the next told me he couldn't promise he wouldn't sleep with her. He is nearly 51.

There is nothing good for me here now. I could never have imagined this behaviour from this man. I can't belive I allowed myself to get drawn in, I'm working with my therapist to explore why I belived and accepted lies and breadcrumbs and have lived on adrenaline and anxiety during this.

I feel guilty about it. Their relationship is very new, maybe two months, is the consensus always not to say anything, even if its gently with some proof?

He didn't realise he was in a relationship?
Er..... OK.
just move on

What does safe mean op?

You’ve used the word more than once. Was he your fallback guy, not the love of your life,but he was there and he would do?

Or do you mean safe, as in you felt he couldn’t hurt you? Objectively he isn’t safe (emotional abuse, silent treatment, dishonourable, cheating) but maybe you felt he was unlikely to find someone? Or you didn’t have strong enough feelings for him, so he wasn’t a risk for you?

Why is safe so important? I’m guessing you’ve been hurt, or saw someone you loved being hurt?

Move away from this one.

Normally I’m in favour of letting women know who they’re dealing with. But I think you’d end up entangled either way him again so my advise is prioritise yourself, block him, and move on. Make your therapy about you, not about him.

How on earth do you come to the conclusion that people normally agree to let men fuck around on women without telling them?

The consensus is almost always TELL HER because this is rape by deception - by which I mean of course she is only fucking him because he's lying through his teeth. Additionally, he will be sticking his penis in other women too and you need to have yourself checked for diseases - as does she.

It's up to you entirely if you want to warn her she may have diseases and is being played by a piece of shit - your choice.

But don't use the excuse that most people would agree with keeping quiet. That's just not true.

Say nothing and just walk away. Sounds like very immature behaviour from a 51year old man to be honest.

You ended the relationship which means you can’t really have liked him that much. That will have hurt him and his ego. He also won’t trust you not to be flakey again. Neither of you are each other’s ’safe space’ anymore. You are both playing games. Wanting to tell the girlfriend is just part of your big messy game.

Yes, I would absolutely want to know, and I wouldn’t care if you told me out of care or out of revenge. The end result would be the same - I’d avoid getting into a relationship with a cheating scumbag. I don’t understand anyone saying they wouldn’t want to know! Tell her.

Would no one want to know if it were you, really? Would you not like to be able to make an informed decision based on information about a person? I would want to know.

That’s not what this is though. It’s just revenge. Neither party is in a serious relationship from the timeframe you give, so not relevant to tell her. Don’t make yourself look like ‘the crazy ex’, as that’s all that will happen with this.

Get well away as quickly as you can. No good will come of it. He gave you silent treatment? Why did you keep going back????

Thank you for all your replies, I appreciate the nuance and I think I can see things from different perspectives, so agree with a lot of what has been said.

I am reluctant to tell her, and I have noticed that when I'm more angry, thats when I want to do it. I have a family and a professional job I worked hard for, she also has a professional job, and I don't want trouble that may jeopardise that.

I was single for years before I met him, I took it very very slowly (which inevitably he used against me, he has previously moved in with women within the first couple of months). Yes, I did end the relationship, but I felt it would make things lighter. We remained extremely close, like best friends and we would cuddle and sleep together sometimes. There was no one else I wanted, and I didn think we would eventually be able to build something on a more solid ground. He went on some dates during that time which I found upsetting, but I didnt say anything as I felt I had no right to.

When we slept together a few weeks ago, he wasnt honest with me about his circumstances. He was piling on his love for me, crying, I was crying, it felt like reconciliation. After we slept together he told me he was seeing her the next night. It wasnt until a week later he told me they'd agreed to delete apps (so exclusive) and he was meeting her family. He ended up meeting me instead for coffee, and he was all over me, telling me these huge statements of commitments. We kissed. I told him to make a decision, and this wasnt fair on anyone.

He told me he's breaking up with her today. I'm not sure. He told me last night that she's had a terrible year, and that tracks, it clicked. He holds onto vulnerable people. I realised during the night, his history is with single mothers, or people going through a bad time. When we first met I was okay, but 6 months later I went through the worst few years of my life. Me and this woman have professional roles that need qualifications, she's also attractive. He isn't like that.

I'm angry at myself, I thought I'd come further than this, I can't believe I've drawn in by this and hooked onto the spiral of his love then silence.

You chose to jettison him. He has moved on. You are now complicating that situation by dancing around the edges of his new relationship and making everyone's life difficult. I am sure you knoew what you should be doing.

You dumped him and walked away and that hurt his ego, now he gets to rewrite the past by leaving you hurt and upset while he walks away, now you want revenge on him because of his revenge.
Walk away and find someone who wants you, if he loves you and couldn’t be without you then he would be with you not torn between you and a random girl he had two dates with.
He’s playing games with you to show you you’re not that important anymore and he has other choices.

So you’re together and then he tells you he is seeing her again? And instead of telling him to get lost you’re letting him do it again? You are not showing enough self-respect here @BlueLeavesGreenSea never mind the wrongs of him being with someone else. Hold your head up and walk away. Do not tell the GF; not your place because it’s driven by your anger. She’ll work him out, or not, but it is not your problem to solve.

Oh OP please please end this ASAP and do not go back. You are in an abusive relationship and you need to stay away from him. He lovebombs you and pulls you in, then abuses you until you back away, then he pulls you back in a never ending head-messing cycle. You might have ended the relationship on an official level but you haven't ended the abuse.

took it very very slowly (which inevitably he used against me, he has previously moved in with women within the first couple of months).
That was probably your first major red flag. The silent treatment is another. Telling you about another woman whilst with you is a third. Fucking around with your head and emotions is a fourth. And finally, manipulating you into believing it's all your fault for telling him it's over instead of his behaviour killing the relationship.

He is punishing you OP, and it's time to say No, I am worth more than this.

If you tell her, I've a feeling you'll regret it. These things have a habit of rebounding. Draw a line under the whole sorry business, cut all ties and look forward not back.

I think you need to eject this man from your life completely. This includes resisting the urge to involve yourself in his relationship. You knew you were facilitating his betrayal of his GF as recently as a fortnight ago, and if you'd genuinely had her interests at heart you wouldn't have done so. Interfering in and trying to influence his future delays the process of getting over him, so isn't a good thing for you.

I don't think I'll tell her, at least not this week, I'm too vulnerable to face any potential fall out. I also need time to move on first. I'm so upset and disturbed by all this, I would never ever have thought he was capable of this behaviour, I hate that I've witnessed this side of him.

You’re the one who broke his heart and then continued to see and sleep with him for your own comfort after telling him you didn’t want to be in a relationship with him when he clearly still loved and wanted you.

He then tried to move on with someone else and you’ve inserted yourself back into his life and messed with his head.

I don’t think he’s the bad guy here. You’ve wanted to have your cake and eat it and he’s the one who’s been messed around.

You want to tell her out of spite because he is choosing her as his priority over you and that’s what you can’t handle, because you felt that you dumped him and he should be grateful for have you back. At least own your actions.

All what a silly mess

he has fallen for someone else

and you don’t like it. Not one little bit.

we don’t tell.

don’t drag us in to this silliness between adults that should know and behave better

Are we reading the same OP?

Who is trying to have their cake and eat it exactly? Because it reads to me like it's you...

He wanted to be with you, you ended things but kept going back to your "safe space" for 10 months, and now you're surprised that he's a) confused as fuck and b) doing the same to you... over an entire 2 week period vs. 10 months?

Ummm yeah, right ok. But men are scum right?

You have no claim to him and no place to tell anyone anything. You dumped him, he's moved on and exploring other options. You hooked up (which is perfectly ok) and you're sore he isn't begging you to come back. How do you even know who she is and how to contact her?

Absolutely this. These 2 sentences stood out to me as well. If the man was portraying himself as “suffering” because OP wanted/needed to spring time on work and family, it just screams selfish knob who needs to be the centre of her attention doesn’t it?

OP re his current jumping between 2 beds, I feel like you need to do some work on yourself and your boundaries to learn to not put up with this shitty behaviour.

You dumped him, then made sure you were always there in the background, still sleeping with him, ensuring he couldn’t really move on.

I think you’ve got an absolute nerve to imagine you’ve got any kind of moral high ground in this scenario.