sending my DS to a waldorf rather than montessori nursery

[motheroflittledragon]

DS is now 18 months and while he has been the apple of my eye we are looking into sending him to nursery for 2 half days a week. We are still undecided if morning or afternoon works better for us. This is to socialise him as we have picked up on him being on the very shy side who struggles to interact with the other children when we take him to soft play. he is never mean or anything but he has a tendency to ignore them or stand to the side.

i really wanted to send him to a montessori nursery. having trained as a montessori teacher for the ages 3-6 i really see how the materials not only teach independence but also focus. of course i do know it is not a one size fits all.

here is the problem. i don’t drive so in that aspect am fully reliant on DH. i have tried to learn in the past but was told by my instructor i am unfortunately not suitable. the nearest montessori nursery is 30 minutes away but will probably be more during rush hour. there is a waldorf forest school near us which is realistically probably going to be the one we will have to sending him too. i do know it is very popular too but to me having experience with the montessori method it just seems so unstructured and i worry he will not be as advanced as he might have been with a montessori nursery and that they won’t be getting his full potential out of him. my friend did say that i could do montessori at home and waldorf at nursery but i really feel like i will need to focus even more on the materials we have at home which is more focus on top of it pretty much being on me to teach him mandarin as we have gone nc with my mother and i already feel at a mental exhaustion.

can someone just please tell me i am over thinking all this 😭

I wonder if some more therapy (with a really good neurodivergent and trauma aware psychologist) would be useful? There’s a significant amount of overthinking, rumination and perfection seeking going on and you’ve mentioned going non contact with your mother. Obviously no one can conclude anything from your post but maybe some reflection space would be helpful. Rather than being rigid in your approach to nursery, think though both places holistically in what they can offer to you as which includes location. Best of luck in your decision !

I wholeheartedly agree with @GrooveArmada and other PPs - the best way to support your child, to help him grow up into a successful and more importantly happy adult is by sorting out your own crap - be the person who changes the script in your family rather than repeating it which is absolutely what you're in danger of.

we are in a very good catchment area where our nearest school even out performs some private schools. this was important to DH and myself when picking the area we are in

Are there other nursery options you could walk to?
I would avoid anything Steiner.

I mean this really genuinely.

Having children is meant to be fun! Is all this angst fun? If not, can you reassess?

thank you for the advice. i never have had an easy relationship with my mother to give a context how absolutely insane she is christmas where me and DH visited her. she absolutely blew up at me when during british bake off to answer her question why people would bake bread when it is so cheap to buy i said some people enjoy the process and i enjoyed baking with my grandfather on my father’s side. this caused her to blow up scream and shout at me for a full 5 minutes different variations of “sorry i was such a bad mother” and “maybe your aunt would have been a better mother for you” before me and DH could get away back to the flat we were staying at.

it is the closest one to us i think

I love mumsnet! I want the best for my child. Mumsnet how dare you!

I agree with you. I’d do the best I could for my child with your insight. However, you need to access it so you go with what you can do.

thank you so much for this post. i really am just trying so hard to just do my best

If the only reason you want to send him is to make him more sociable then don't send him! My daughter has been going to nursery since she was 12 months old and I returned to work. She is heading for 4 now and there is no way she would dare mix with any kids in a soft play centre that she didnt already know. She's "shy" (hate using that word).

When you know you know. Schools recognise the importance of enrichment to behaviour and feeling part of a community.

Forewarned is forearmed. OP's choice, so long as it is an informed choice.

No doubt there are people who will either be defensive (because it is their uninformed choice) or have a certain agenda.

Do you hold the view that’s quite common in Chinese early years setting that play is a waste of time?
its really not! Please read Johan Harri stolen focus, the chapter on going out to play and unstructured play. You’ll be converted! Nature is SO good for their attention!

Just send him to a nursery within walking distance. One that has good personal recommendations. One where he can make friends, get cuddles, paint, sing, smile, play with plastic tat, splash in puddles and be a toddler.

thank you i will give it a read. i think a lot is a lot more ingrained in me. it was never explicitly said by mother but she did keep me busy enough with not just school work but tutors everyday on top of that as well as holiday homework to keep me busy when i went to my father’s i did not really do much unstructured play so to speak and i was more or less compliant where if i grumbled not wanting to do it her telling me once i am doing it unless i want to disappoint her was enough to get me to do it lol

Great!

It’s peak mumsnet 🤣

Ah, Steiner, don’t believe in telling off kids for misbehaving if I remember correctly. When Montessori became popular I always thought it sounded similar to Steiner

i don’t believe there is a rule for not telling off but that might vary from montessori nursery to montessori nursery but for example rather than the child doing their “work” well i would say “you closed all the buttons by yourself you must be so proud” or if it was wrong i don’t point it out but say “hmmmm do you think that looks correct” because the material itself has a control check so the child will see. if it was something more creative like drawing a picture or something similar i could say “did you draw all this by yourself? why don’t you tell me about it” the most important part was basically to remove my own judgement from the work and let the child feel free to be proud of the work and achievements themselves rather than dependent on my praise.

the children are allowed to pick their own material they work with but in theory at least the materials are designed to be something they naturally want to engage with anyway because of the absorbent mind

Montessori teacher trained to instill independence but doesn’t drive and depends on husband for lifts

I think you’re approaching this as someone who is hugely invested in Montessori, personally and professionally. And putting yourself under pressure wrt Mandarin, and a pushy parent generally (speaking as another pushy parent).

Montessori is not feasible in your circs. Forest school sounds fine, otherwise find the nearest decent nursery and send him there for a few mornings a week. Or don’t - some kids are shy or more reticent, and I don’t think there’s much harm in waiting that out if you don’t need childcare.

My ideal in your situation would be to find a Mandarin language baby class (or nursery?) and send him there. Two birds! This is feasible in my bit of London but I realise that won’t be the case everywhere.

i have issues that i have tried previously and was told i was not fit to drive. i went to therapy for this for a year. unfortunately i was not able to resolve the issues. i do not expect and rely on DH to ferry me around and use a uber if it is for myself if i have to go anywhere. if taking HIS baby to the doctor and driving us for OUR weekly food shop makes me some kind of dependent you can judge then i am sorry you feel that way

i looked, even for baby play groups unfortunately in the north and quite a bit away from london this is not an option

Putting pressure on your baby to ‘achieve’ at 18m old is far more damaging than what style of nursery he attends. He literally just needs to play all day and be kept safe. If he learns how to share then great. But don’t project on him what matters to you. Let him develop his own preferences.

If you can't drive, then doing 2 half days 30min-1hour away is not achievable for your family, if your husband is working as it will take too much time out of the day having to go and collect during the working day (for the half days) so it's not an option for you. Choosing something close to home is fine.