To feel that not everyone is capable of “more”

[Kunitz]

Following a conversation with a friend and hearing her very strong opinions on how basically everyone is capable of bettering themselves it got me thinking. So I (rather stupidly on reflection) confessed to her how anxious I was feeling about the future specifically with regards to my “benefits” stopping in a couple of years when my ds leaves school. Now before I get jumped on for daring to confess I claim benefits let me add that I work part time and my dh works full time. The majority of the money we receive is due to the fact our ds has autism and receives DLA. I also have adhd and autism plus other conditions however I have never attempted to claim pip for myself as I know I will not get it and can’t bare to put myself through the ordeal.

So, like I said I work, as does my dh. DH hasn’t been diagnosed with anything other than dyslexia as a child but it is clear to us and quite frankly anyone who knows him that he is in the spectrum. He is a lovely man an amazing father I really couldn’t ask for more in a partner. However at age 50 he has worked all his life in jobs that pay minimum or just above minimum wage. He has tried to “improve himself” (his words not mine) previously and ended up burnt out and breaking down admitting that he isn’t capable of more than he does and to be fair he works blooming hard in a manual job and takes on extra responsibility and steps up to team leaders jobs when he is offered but basically he feels he isn’t capable of more.

Then there is me. I earn £17 per hour so more than minimum wage but in my current job I only work one maybe two days per week as that is all I can do without feeling like I’m burning out which I’m aware to all of you NT that may sound a bit pathetic. Plus to be honest the job that I do is quite niche and most of the jobs advertised in my field are part time. I could push myself to work full time but due to my limited and very niche skillset I’d end up having to change jobs and would be on minimum wage doing something completely unknown to me and whilst there is nothing whatsoever wrong with that (I have worked on NMW a number of times previously) I actually wouldn’t end up that much better off financially.

So you can imagine my friends face when I said this to her. We currently get UC, our ds gets DLA and I get carers allowance as I’m just under the earning limit to claim that. Now I imagine most of you will think we are taking advantage of the system but it isn’t the case. I want to be able to work full time without feeling completely burnt out (not just very tired like most NT feel working full time) instead or claiming top ups and to be fair like I said I will have no choice in two years time when my 14 year old ds leaves school band it’s making me feel very anxious.

My friend basically told me that everyone unless severely mentally or physically impaired can work full time and no one needs to be on minimum wage and should push themselves to do better. Well I have pushed myself to do better but I know my capabilities and I have reached my peak. Due to past trauma, anxiety, low self esteem, abuse I am not the most confident of people, I can’t bare being out of my comfort zone to the point I’ll have anxiety attacks. I push myself often to do things that “normal” adults my age do and force myself into uncomfortable situations with the hope i will get used to it but I don’t.

I am not trying to make excuses for myself or my dh although I understand it probably seems that way. I just wanted to express to my friend that me and dh work hard but to our personal capacity and that not everyone is capable of more. She thought I was being ridiculous. Am I being ridiculous to think this way? Anyway I’m sorry for my somewhat incoherent rant. There is no point to it really other than for me to offload.

I over think things constantly worry about the further every single day of my life yet I can’t seem to make additional changes to help things turn out ok down the line. I now know since my recent diagnosis that this is likely due to the fact that in addition to my autism/adhd I am extremely demand avoidant, I have (to some extent) poor executive functioning skills, I’m indecisive, I have no sense of self, low self esteem etc etc etc. Like I’d said these aren’t excuses just facts. I try my best every day putting one foot in front of the other yet I never feel good enough because I’m incapable of bettering myself and therefore condemn myself to a bit of a sh*tty future. Thanks for reading. That’s my pitty party story for one over and out.

I guess the difficulty is when people on very low incomes are not able to pay their bills and other necessities. If people are lucky enough to live somewhere where they don’t have massive housing costs and are not only just about getting by, but have a bit left over for some fun things, then I think people are often happier if they just get on with a job working to their comfort zone. DH and I have never had massive salaries, although they have been above minimum wage, on or just below what is deemed to be an ‘average’ salary and I worked PT. We were lucky though as our housing costs were very low, having bought a small property in the 1990s. I think it’s a lot harder now.

I don’t think your friend is the kind of person I would want to spend much time with.

Just spotted an image on Facebook that made me want to come back and share.

In addition to being ND, I have experienced decades of extreme trauma (not my doing!) including witnessing traumatic death. My gp tells me I cope better than they would with everything I've had to deal with. So the examples on this thread regarding one person's experience to one event of burnout/depression/anxiety and a linear recovery is similar to a manager I once had tell me I needed to work on my resilience, when I just needed a day of physical rest. I'd like to see anyone be as resilient mentally as I am after having been through what I have. However the physiological effects on my body from long term trauma are real. Stress has long term effects and the body holds the score. I've had to fork out thousands on private treatment and in debt as a result, because the nhs is not fit for purpose. Christ knows how those who can't afford it at all are coping.

Well said. We have reached a point where some people are exempt from accountability. With the country at breaking point the day of reckoning is fast approaching. To quote mumsnet everyone 'needs to get their ducks in a row' as their won't be select privileges much longer.

YANBU and your friend is ignorant and not a good friend. We do all have different limits and capabilities and that should be okay. Unfortunately we live in a society where there are lots of privileged people (although they deny that privilege) who are ignorant to the struggle of others. There are also people brainwashed by the elite to think working 5 days a week and spending more time with work colleagues than children, even babies, is acceptable. People who believe we should all exhaust ourselves to the point of burn out to line the pockets of the 1%. People who don't appreciate invisible disability and think they have the power to know what someone is capable of just be looking at them or having a few conversations. Even if they see that person struggling they put it down to rudeness or laziness rather than them being absolutely exhausted and unable to function.

Couldn't agree more. It's very depressing we seem to have 42% priveledged people voting on this thread. I wonder how many have actually read all the posts and still reach that conclusion.

It's no wonder people with invisible illnesses get such a hard time in the workplace. Thank goodness most healthcare professionals and decent employers actually understand and support.

My work history is shit and is min wage jobs like cleaning. I am not capable of more and right now I am not even capable of that. I have not worked for well over a decade.
I am autistic and struggle with work environments and burnout. I get burnout from just running my home let alone having a job on top of that.
I have a good support network that keeps me going and having some semblance of a life but work is not part of that.

YANBU. I had to cut off a friend recently who was talking about how weak people are these days

this woman has never held a job longer than 2 years but goes around calling people who can’t work weak. has years off between jobs (her mom pays for everything) she’s oblivious to this privilege too

She has no disability or neurodivergence, she just hates working but calls others who can’t work “weak” 🤦‍♀️

this woman also doesn’t believe depression is real and has no sympathy for people who struggle with that.