To feel that not everyone is capable of “more”

[Kunitz]

Following a conversation with a friend and hearing her very strong opinions on how basically everyone is capable of bettering themselves it got me thinking. So I (rather stupidly on reflection) confessed to her how anxious I was feeling about the future specifically with regards to my “benefits” stopping in a couple of years when my ds leaves school. Now before I get jumped on for daring to confess I claim benefits let me add that I work part time and my dh works full time. The majority of the money we receive is due to the fact our ds has autism and receives DLA. I also have adhd and autism plus other conditions however I have never attempted to claim pip for myself as I know I will not get it and can’t bare to put myself through the ordeal.

So, like I said I work, as does my dh. DH hasn’t been diagnosed with anything other than dyslexia as a child but it is clear to us and quite frankly anyone who knows him that he is in the spectrum. He is a lovely man an amazing father I really couldn’t ask for more in a partner. However at age 50 he has worked all his life in jobs that pay minimum or just above minimum wage. He has tried to “improve himself” (his words not mine) previously and ended up burnt out and breaking down admitting that he isn’t capable of more than he does and to be fair he works blooming hard in a manual job and takes on extra responsibility and steps up to team leaders jobs when he is offered but basically he feels he isn’t capable of more.

Then there is me. I earn £17 per hour so more than minimum wage but in my current job I only work one maybe two days per week as that is all I can do without feeling like I’m burning out which I’m aware to all of you NT that may sound a bit pathetic. Plus to be honest the job that I do is quite niche and most of the jobs advertised in my field are part time. I could push myself to work full time but due to my limited and very niche skillset I’d end up having to change jobs and would be on minimum wage doing something completely unknown to me and whilst there is nothing whatsoever wrong with that (I have worked on NMW a number of times previously) I actually wouldn’t end up that much better off financially.

So you can imagine my friends face when I said this to her. We currently get UC, our ds gets DLA and I get carers allowance as I’m just under the earning limit to claim that. Now I imagine most of you will think we are taking advantage of the system but it isn’t the case. I want to be able to work full time without feeling completely burnt out (not just very tired like most NT feel working full time) instead or claiming top ups and to be fair like I said I will have no choice in two years time when my 14 year old ds leaves school band it’s making me feel very anxious.

My friend basically told me that everyone unless severely mentally or physically impaired can work full time and no one needs to be on minimum wage and should push themselves to do better. Well I have pushed myself to do better but I know my capabilities and I have reached my peak. Due to past trauma, anxiety, low self esteem, abuse I am not the most confident of people, I can’t bare being out of my comfort zone to the point I’ll have anxiety attacks. I push myself often to do things that “normal” adults my age do and force myself into uncomfortable situations with the hope i will get used to it but I don’t.

I am not trying to make excuses for myself or my dh although I understand it probably seems that way. I just wanted to express to my friend that me and dh work hard but to our personal capacity and that not everyone is capable of more. She thought I was being ridiculous. Am I being ridiculous to think this way? Anyway I’m sorry for my somewhat incoherent rant. There is no point to it really other than for me to offload.

I over think things constantly worry about the further every single day of my life yet I can’t seem to make additional changes to help things turn out ok down the line. I now know since my recent diagnosis that this is likely due to the fact that in addition to my autism/adhd I am extremely demand avoidant, I have (to some extent) poor executive functioning skills, I’m indecisive, I have no sense of self, low self esteem etc etc etc. Like I’d said these aren’t excuses just facts. I try my best every day putting one foot in front of the other yet I never feel good enough because I’m incapable of bettering myself and therefore condemn myself to a bit of a sh*tty future. Thanks for reading. That’s my pitty party story for one over and out.

That embarrassment, or shame, really, was the reason I pushed myself too hard to function the way people are expected to function and ended up with a complete mental breakdown and suicide attempt. My DC don't know the extent of my burnout, but me being so unwell obviously had an effect on them. People who say "we're all struggling, but we have no choice but to get on with it" have no idea how catastrophic ND burnout can be.

I’m so sorry you experienced that @FatCatPyjamas - I’ve been through something very similar and still haven’t truly recovered.

Exactly. I’m happy to talk about it on here but because I present as “normal” in real life everyone assumes I’m just lazy.

I’ve just done a bit of googling and the National Literacy Trust states that 18% of adults are “functionally illiterate”. This means that they can only accurately read short, straightforward texts on familiar subjects. How do you get a job paying over NMW with that level of literacy?

Retail, hospitality and care jobs are predominantly NMW. They all need doing, so if people doing those jobs move on to something paying above NMW who will do those jobs?

What a bloody outrageous thing to say to the parent of an autistic child. Obnoxious.

I'm also the parent of an autistic child while being autistic myself. She will never truly understand because she isn't the autistic one. She can try to understand, but unless she becomes the autistic child, she won't ever fully understand. Just how I'm autistic, but I don't truly understand how my autistic son feels because we're different people.

Thank you. I'm fully recovered now, but only because I've found a balance of working 16 hours a week and claiming benefits to live. I'd probably be able to work more if I didn't have a family to look after, but I do, so that's that.

I'm sorry you've experienced similar. I really hope you eventually find your balance x

The 'friend' should push herself to do better by not talking absolute shit.

She could push herself to advocate for huge wages increases across society, since she feels so strongly about it.

Don't feel you have to spend time around stupid, boring people like this woman OP.

I feel for you OP, I have a few ADD probs of my own, so just wanted to gently share some info.
ADHD may contribute to ‘overthinking’ & probably also your reaction to (even just perceived) criticism can have a disproportionate impact on individuals with(ADHD) due to heightened emotional sensitivity, often leading to issues like low self-esteem, shame, and rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD).
It maybe worth your while speaking to your GP, as there are some meds which ADHD sufferers find very beneficial.

Thank you - I definitely have now, though I still struggle when people ask why I can’t do X or Y, or when they see me as lazy because I need time to just sit and do nothing so I don’t get too overwhelmed.

It’s not obnoxious - it’s true - she’s not autistic so she will never, ever know how it feels. Just like I will never know how it feels to have ADHD, for example.

Is your friend one of those people who can’t just support someone but always has to be offering up solutions, and usually in an abrupt way? My sister is like that and it drives me mad. Sometimes you just want someone to listen not give their two penneth worth.

You brought homophobia into it which was a crap analogy and obnoxious like I said.

She brought a comparison to homophobia into it so it was obnoxious.

Others have already answered this question, but the only way I can think to explain it is that there are individual levels of stress and exhaustion that if crossed, then you simply cannot function. And that is true for NT and ND people. You don't have to be ND to experience burnout, but if you are ND then you can likely expect it.

In my case, my head literally throbs and stops processing information - absolutely nothing goes in. I can't string sentences together, even after a quick break/snack/walk round the block/change of activities. I even get full body muscle aches - absolutely everything hurts. If I pushed on through I'd be a liability at work - make errors, mis-understand/mis-communicate, not be able to speak in meetings etc. It's horribly and awfully embarrassing but I've learnt the early warning signs and I'm much better off taking a mental health day from work (with full support 😊) when I know I need it, preventatively, rather than push on through and tip myself over to the point of no return and it take weeks to recover.

No, it wasn’t. It was a totally valid point.

I think your friend needs to learn to think before she says things. I think it very easy at times to judge people but the reality is that your so called friend has no idea what life is really like for you or your husband.

I have a friend that is autistic and was not diagnosed until she was an adult. She is far from stupid. She worked in different jobs and it was due to a number of things that she decided to get tested.
She was diagnosed and applied for the benefits she was entitled to. The benefits system then was a nightmare and it took her a while to get these.

She has been doing some volunteer work for a few years and is very good at it. A manager role came up where she works about 3 months ago. One of her co workers asked will you apply for this along with a few other people. She did think about it and decided not to apply for it. She knows that it would be to much for her.
She has found out if she got a part time job for 2/3 days she would be better off financially and she is planning to do this next year. She knows that she will be able for this without ending up both physically and mentally drained like she was in the past.

You have to do what's best for you and perhaps getting more hours a week in your current job would help with money without leaving your health worse. You and your husband are doing what your able for and you don't need to be taking on more. If your health declines your not going to be able to help your child cope with the next part of their lives also.

Thank you! It was the most direct comparison I could think of. Obviously homophobia is different, but the way it was said was the same. "I have an autistic child so I know what it's like". But they don't. They have no idea what it's like for autistic people themselves to experience things, so it's not valid

Sympathies OP. I'm autistic w/ADHD. Work has always been a sore point because I am always told that I am so organised/capable/whatever that I should be running a large corporation. In practice I am constantly pushing the boundary between doing my utmost and going into a complete meltdown because I have taken too much on. And constantly, constantly testing this kind of work or that kind of headphone or x type of organisation to see if it would make a difference, because my imagined ideal is someone in a 9-5. Even though the last time I was in a 9-5, I worked 18 hours a day and weekends.

No problem, it was perfectly obvious what you meant!

Yes this is me too.

We most definitely need people to take lower paid, essential roles (and maybe consider if they are paid enough).

We also need people to be able to fund their own lives. If DLA is paying towards your living costs then you will need to consider how you are doing to fund your lives once this stops. I'm sure we all feel overwhelmed at times; we can't all say we're only going to work a few hours a week.

Yanbu. I have ADHD and the burnout is real! I have 2 kids and work full time, but luckily my job isn't really stressful. I have been signed off twice in the past 10 years though because the burnout and struggling with executive dysfunction triggered major depressive episodes. You need to be kind to yourself and ignore your friend.

I'm intrigued by this argument. Do you ever feel overwhelmed to the point you cannot function normally? Not just a bit tired, or revamped after a cuppa etc, but actually cannot function safely and do simple tasks?

Showing your ignorance like this isn’t a good look.