Hygiene and cleanliness peevs

[ellie09]

Hi all

I am a few months into cohabiting and there's a few things have started to annoy me and I just cannot understand!

Showering:
I need to shower at least once a day, especially before going to bed. I like to feel clean etc. I do realise that not everyone needs a shower everyday and can maybe skip a day.
DP thinks he can get away with twice a week (at the most) because he doesn't exercise and is quite sedentary.
He doesn't "smell" but there is at times, a musty smell off him, where I need to basically force him to shower. He prefers to just get up and mask with deodorant.
Then I just sound like an old nag or like his mother when I ask him to shower!
(I mainly do because its making the bed sheets smell!)

Laundry:
I would do the laundry mostly and ensure everything is smoothed out flat so it dries properly.
I was away with work and come home to him having done a load of laundry and its out to try all folded over or bundled up on the rack, and it was starting to smell, so it had to get washed again.
He has claimed he has always done it this way so doesnt see why I am so fussy.

General cleaning:
While I was away with work (and he was off) I asked him could he do some general housework like hoovering or wiping down surfaces etc but I come back and the place is slightly cleaner, but its obvious that it was done in 5/10 mins.

I hate lecturing and telling an almost 30 yo man what do to - but AIBU?

Do some people really need to be told things that I thought were pretty basic?

Maybe you should move in with the stinky boyfriend if showering once a day is some kind of OCD deal-breaker!

Showering once a day is kind of standard, isn't it? More of you've been to the gym or work in a physical/dirty job.

There's nothing revolting about sweating a bit - fresh sweat should not smell, and it takes some time for bacteria to change that.

One, two, or three showers per week and daily clean underwear should be sufficient for most people.

The difficulty is that there are no set rules and individual requirements and perception of what is right varies enormously.
I think some of the posts on here are quite extreme.
If these differences really bother you OP, it's probably wise to check out

Eh? A shower a day is normal! You need to be clean and not smelling at work (anything else is unprofessional): most adults smell if they haven’t showered/bathed in 24 hrs. (You might think you don’t; but I have a good sense of smell and I can tell you that if you haven’t washed, yes you do!) It’s also just basic respect to everyone around you to have decent personal hygiene.

That's what I think. If someone had questionable hygiene I would detect this in the early stages of dating with stale smells, clothes aren't fresh etc.

I am with you op. There’s no way I could live with someone like that. Absolutely horrible and frustrating.

You’re not planning to have dc with him are you? Because he’s showing you how lazy he is. You don’t want kids with a lazy man.

Those of you who think it’s fine to shower less than once a day and are having a pop - you’re missing the point, it doesn’t matter what you think, it’s the fact that it’s upsetting the op. It’s not enough for her. There’s no changing him so he has to go.

Yeah — anyone who says this doesn’t have a good sense of smell.

I can tell you that the vast majority of adults do smell if they haven’t washed/showered that day — just because you can’t smell it doesn’t mean that others can’t!

I'd be more bothered that he's so sedentary and lazy sounding at the age of 30. Should be fullboglf vigour. Doesn't sound like much of a catch, does he have any redeeming features?

I agree. You can absolutely smell if someone hasn’t washed that day. Clean hair and clean skin smell completely different - you can tell if someone hasn’t washed for a day or so.

YANBU, but it's a shame you didn't discuss the basics before you moved in together.

In your shoes, I would sit him down and tell him what you need him to do as a bare minimum. Tell him you're only going to say it once, you don't want to be nagging him like you're his Mother.

For example; shower at least every other day, kitchen surfaces done properly at the end of each day, washing hung up correctly (this is a bug bear of mine, and after 25 years of marriage, I still rearrange things if DH has hung them up "his" way!) and run the hoover round a couple of times a week.

If he isn't receptive, or doesn't step up, then I'd move on. You won't be happy in the long term if he can't respect the bare minimum hygiene standards you need in order to feel comfortable in your own home.

No, you're right. There's nothing revolting about sweat, just stale sweat. And sweat that's been hanging around for 24 hours (or more!) is stale sweat.

Tell him he showers daily or you won't share a bed or fuck him. Pretty tragic really that he's such a stinking slob you need to give such ultimatums. And stop doing his laundry!

Everybody needs to shower every day in polite society. Anyone who thinks otherwise is kidding themselves.

Time to decohabit, he's grim and lazy

He sounds like a lazy 14 year old…and you will end up being his Mum if you stay with him.

And no way would I have a sexual relationship with a man who showered twice a week!

Surely most people, to put it bluntly, shower after they've had a poo? So once a day? Isn't that normal?

Honestly ew. My partner showers every day like clockwork sometimes twice. The musty smell you describe is sweat and general body dirt like when you"ve been to the gym and then your gym clothes are a bit musty from being damp from sweat....ming!!

I don't think most people shower after they've had a poo, no. I don't think that's normal.

Is this a joke 🤣 you can smell if someone has that day old not showered smell. Some people are bloody gross.

No, it's not normal.

(pooing once a day is only normal for some people, btw)

If I didn't shower every day I would stink! The only days I've ever missed a day i when I've been so ill with flu or something I couldn't drag myself out of bed!

when you say he only showers twice a week, does he wash in between these times?

because some posts on this thread are making a distinction between the two, and others aren't.

Adult man showering twice a week is enough to say ‘leave’.

It will only get worse from here.

Red flags?

That term is for people who are abusive, controlling and dangerous and the signs you see which could warn you that this is what they're like.

Not showering everyday? Not a red flag. Not smoothing out the washing? Not a red flag

Different standards are not red flags. Or perhaps he's talking to his mates and they're telling him about all the red flags OP is giving off telling him when to wash and where to put things in their shared space. How is it its ok for her to tell him what to do and he's expected to do it?

winterbluess

thecatfromneptune

MasterBeth

Bladderpool

I meant the op saying at least once a day, I think once a day is fine