One parent working in this climate - possible?

[Wherethewildthingsar]

parents - mums or if it’s the dads - if you stay at home and your husband works and provides for the household. What is their annual salary? And do you find it helps with having one parent working while having young children?

I work but the money I make is basically nothing - £12k a year if I’m lucky. DH earns around £150k, plus bonus dependent, Surrey, 3 kids, feel very comfortable but we’re not interested in private school and there’s no need for it around here (amazing state schools). I was a SAHM until oldest was 9, youngest was 2, loved it and was so much easier logistically!

We do this ( well I’m setting up a business but slowly and it doesn’t pay currently, likely won’t for a few more years so mainly a SAHM)

it’s certainly tighter than before and I think the one who stays home has to really want to as it’s a big adjustment but I love it.

DH earns a lot (£130k plus bonus) but we are in south east so high expenses and even on that we have to make compromises ie no abroad holidays this or next year as we are moving house, we have one old car, my clothes come from vinted etc, the houses we are looking at buying next are not as lovely as we would have been able to afford with my salary too etc

I do think it makes both of our lives easier and nicer though, DS is still a toddler so it’s not like DH comes home to a tidy house and home cooked meal every night it’s often total chaos but I do get to tick off some laundry/housework usually, walk the dogs, do the food shop, sort all the life admin kind of things so when DH gets home (often late from work) he has less of that stuff to do and our weekends can generally be for family stuff rather than chores. I’m currently pregnant with number 2 and totally exhausted so it’s not really happening like that at the moment though 😂🫣

Surely it depends where you live.

How much rent or mortage is and how much you earn.

Cost living is totally different in say northern ireland to central london

Plus whether the lower earning parent can out earn the cost of childcare.

Also lifestyle expectations.

A SAHP can contribute by using the time they have available to shop around, batch cook, make packed lunches etc so make money go further.

Or it can go the other way and they have time to spend a lot of money on soft play, lunches etc like one poster a few weeks ago who was spending over a grand a month on that sort of thing.

I think housing costs are a key factor. We made it work, but lived in a very cheap part of the country and were happy with a modest terraced house, so our mortgage payments were very low relatively. Money was tight, but I loved SAHMing - no regrets!

@ResusciAnnie oh wow what work does your husband do? If we earned that here we’d be very well off in the east! We already have our home, a lovely family car and everything else that we’ve worked hard for. So I’m now thinking if it’s the time for us to slow down so that one of us can be more present with the kids / support the other working parent. It’s a lot both doing both

@UsernameMcUsername yes our mortgage is on a good rate for a good 5 years from now so it’s nice to not have that to worry about. Admittedly I think my partner would be the better sahd as I earn more money. I found my mental health got better when I went back to work but he’s an amazing father so I think he’d really enjoy being more present

Do a really thorough budget. You may well have to cut costs on e.g. holidays or children’s activities. But you should also save a fair whack on childcare and potentially other things too, from having more time to shop around, home cook etc. You have to both want to make it work, but it’s possible,

Wow £120/130k careers are surely not the norm, only on MN have I heard from so many people with such huge salaries. I definitely move in the wrong circles though (NHS worker, Local Authority, Education)

@MrsF111 congratulations on your second baby! Have you ever considered moving somewhere cheaper? You could get loads more for your £ elsewhere! But I can see how it makes life much easier with one parent working and the other staying home. Also I find the more money we get the more we spend

My sister is a SAHM currently, her husband is on 50k (potential to earn more maybe up to 70/80k in time) so costs are tight but manageable.
We are North East of the country

When I started being a SAHM childcare cost more than my wage. Obviously now the kids are teens that's not the case, and I'm working now, but self employed around their needs. Its not as simple as one parents salary, its the difference in income after childcare etc.

(Our family income was about 50k 14 years ago no benefits but cheap housing with his job... his pay is around 70k now plus about 20k from me)

@Wherethewildthingsar i probably would, I grew up in the middle of the countryside but DH is a London boy and i don’t think he would be happy anywhere else 😂 or at least somewhere with very easy access. So to satisfy DH ease of access to the city and my love of green spaces and English countryside-esque pubs/walks/buildings we end up in very expensive areas wherever we discuss living 😂

I think that’s such a good idea, to slow down. How old are the kids? However old they are, they’ll never be this young again and time is so precious. The kids will really benefit - or, my kids certainly had more chilled lives when I was a SAHM! Now they do after school club 2 days a week which they hate and I feel incredibly guilty! I’m missing lots of school events - either DH doing some or we’re both missing them, feel bad about that too!

It’s complicated though. I work now because it’s a passion and it’s good for my kids to see me following that and doing something for myself. We obviously have (a bit) more money coming in and the parenting/feeding/cleaning is more 50/50. I treasure my SAHM days but nothing has to be forever, change is good :)

Oh and he’s tech x

Approx £85k maybe a bit less

such generalisations because consultants and head teachers of large schools will fall into these salaries!!

Im older so no longer in this position but most people with kids I know of, dad earns under 30k, mum works PT with minimum wage or not all all( tinys) , UC top ups.
It was the norm in my circles even when my kids were little.

@ResusciAnnie they are 1 and 4 years old I feel like we’ve worked very hard to get to the stage we’re at now, we don’t have any plans for any future big purchases etc anytime soon but definitely feel like the family will be much happier having one of us around more. My job is very flexible anyway and if I’m stressed I don’t need to bring it home with me. So it feels like we’d all be much happier with having more time and support.
it’s definitely great that your children can see you following what you want to do.. it will build up their determination and resilience. Plus we always feel guilty about something don’t we x

@cobrakaieaglefang yeah I feel like why is it essential for two parents to work so much and be away from their children and the mum carrying everything if not needed? I earn around 30k and my DH earns less than me, however without his wage we could still get by. No we may not have holidays etc however money isn’t everything. Time feels so precious

I don’t know anyone that could live on £30k with children and another adult to feed, I’m a single parent on double that and while I don’t worry about money, if I dropped much further I would need to pull my belt in a bit.

@Jellycatspyjamas really? That’s also with us having a nice car that’s not necessarily an “essential”

@Jellycatspyjamas do you live down south?

I was SAHM until my youngest started school. Even now, I work very part time earning about 8k a year and DH works full time on 50k. We have 2 DCs with SEN and not a week goes by when we don't have hospital appointments, meetings at school or a DC at home due to burnout.
We don't get any top ups, but we feel quite happy and comfortable. Due to DCs needs we can't really go on holidays, days out or have meals out anyway.
This way of life is what works for us. We simply couldn't manage if both of us worked full time.

Don't forget to transfer your personal tax allowance from the one that isn't working. That's worth a fair bit of £.

It was financially possible for me to be a SAHM when my two were little on my ex-husband's salary - very much so. But it was something I never wanted to do or to risk and I am grateful every day I didn't! I was earning a huge amount less than my ex but it wasn't all about that - it was mostly about making sure that I could leave if ever I needed to (which eventually I dd).
I am now remarried and we both work. This time my money is essential to help pay the rent, bills etc, but again - would still choose to work anyway.