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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to be petty?

84 replies

Livpool · 27/10/2025 12:35

This has been going on for a few years now but has really started to grate. I have 2 female cousins (they are twins )in their 30s. One lives at home with parents and the other is married with a child.

No matter the occasion we get a card (and sometimes a present if for DS) it signed from twin 1, twin 2, twin 1’s DH and DS. It annoys me more than it should and I don’t generally think about it but my uncle (their father) messaged me the other day saying twin 1 is requesting money for Christmas as they are moving in the new year.

I said I was just going to buy a present for their DS and everyone else gets a card. This has blown up and their mum is angry with me for being stingy. I didn’t really care and ignored it but now other family members are being dragged in! Madness!

But - am I being stingy or petty? I know you don’t give to receive but it’s more the effort, or lack of it towards me and my family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livpool · 27/10/2025 12:51

Moonnstars · 27/10/2025 12:48

Does the uncle realise they don't send you a present?
Am I right in thinking that it's only children you buy for? If so I would just be saying that.

Well they think they do - from all of them ha! Adults get token gifts (I think this developed brocade we have a few older (than me) aunts ands and uncles that live alone and we don’t want them to have nothing to open).

Right - will send a message saying just children presents now. And I will still but for the older ones I have always done.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livpool · 27/10/2025 12:52

Allthesnowallthetime · 27/10/2025 12:50

Or a Dove gift set for the 3 adults to share

Ha. Ha! This would cause ructions 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Livpool · 27/10/2025 12:52

JudgeBread · 27/10/2025 12:49

Send them a fiver "for twin 1, twin 2 and twin 1's husband - divide it up as you see fit!"

Tacky so and so

😂

I would be public enemy number 1!

OP posts:
Original poster
Livpool · 27/10/2025 12:55

SJM1988 · 27/10/2025 12:43

Noone should expect presents. Its very entitled.

I was once told my present wasnt good enough for my mum for a birthday. It was all I could afford. I stopped buying presents for several years after that.

That’s awful - how fucking rude

OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 27/10/2025 13:01

I would put a message on social media to say you are making a donation to X charity in lieu of gift and card giving this year.

Original poster
Livpool · 27/10/2025 13:04

MrsMoastyToasty · 27/10/2025 13:01

I would put a message on social media to say you are making a donation to X charity in lieu of gift and card giving this year.

They would probably include twin 1 as a charity as she is the first person in the family to buy (well is buying) a detached home!

The more I think about it the the weirder they are 🙈

OP posts:
Starlight1984 · 27/10/2025 13:05

Are they in a "throuple"?! Because why the fuck is a 30-something woman going in on cards with her sister and sister's husband?!

And why is your uncle asking for gifts on behalf of his adult children?!

The whole thing is very weird and inappropriate!

I would just not buy for any of them tbh.

ThirdStorm · 27/10/2025 13:06

My cousins are in their early 30s and married, I'm mid 40s and I stopped giving them gifts. I send them cards though, and never had one back as my aunt does a family card to me and includes their names on it. I stopped the gifts a few years ago once they were married as it seemed silly, we hardly know each other, we don't ever socialise (we live very far away from each other) and one couple live with their parents and are out of work so I didn't want them spending their money on me. I think my approach has ruffled some feathers within the family but we're too polite to really talk about it openly and I actually don't care.

jay55 · 27/10/2025 13:09

My sister and I did joint gifts and cards for our much younger cousins (10-25 years younger) but I stopped it for the 30somethings a while ago.
Seems like a good time to stop, especially as they don’t speak to you directly.

Bunniemalone · 27/10/2025 13:10

JudgeBread · 27/10/2025 12:49

Send them a fiver "for twin 1, twin 2 and twin 1's husband - divide it up as you see fit!"

Tacky so and so

🤣😂 Fabulous. Wish we still had laugh emoji

YetAnotherAlias62 · 27/10/2025 13:12

Just stop buying presents for all the adults, plus any kids over 18
That's so much easier!

Linenpickle · 27/10/2025 13:13

Stop buying or send a box of chocs

Littlejellyuk · 27/10/2025 13:19

I wouldn't buy any of the adults (elderly, twins or otherwise) any presents.
Just send one present to the youngest child and make it so its from your family and sign it (you, DH, DC, pet dog, cat, hamster, holy ghost, partridge in a pear tree) and all that jazz 😆 🤣 😂

GAJLY · 27/10/2025 13:20

That's crazy asking you to gift money to 30 year old women!!! They're adults!!! I would text back explaining, "Hi, I'm just buying gifts for children for Christmas."

silkypyjamas · 27/10/2025 13:21

yep time to stop. just say you are donating to charity instead of doing cards and presents - that tends to shut people up and you don't have to specify how much either :-)

Original poster
Livpool · 27/10/2025 13:52

Starlight1984 · 27/10/2025 13:05

Are they in a "throuple"?! Because why the fuck is a 30-something woman going in on cards with her sister and sister's husband?!

And why is your uncle asking for gifts on behalf of his adult children?!

The whole thing is very weird and inappropriate!

I would just not buy for any of them tbh.

Ha ha - ugh god I hope not! My mum is more in touch with them and every time she has seen them, they are together! Feel a bit sick now!

I don’t know - he seems to be the family spokesperson - sends happy Christmas messages etc. from their family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livpool · 27/10/2025 13:57

Right have messaged uncle, and twins 1 and 2 and said we can just do presents for children now. Am sure they will bitch about me!

Oh my god - messaging my mum about it before and she reminded me I have never been aunt and uncle’s favourite person as when I was 7 and visiting their house I accidentally broke an ornament! Maybe it all stems from that ha!

Not sure if anyone remembers those china figures people had in the 80s - women in Georgian-esqe dresses? I broke the arm on one of them and my parents have to get it professionally fixed 🙈

OP posts:
Flamingoqueenofchaos · 27/10/2025 16:20

Very odd, we’ve never brought for cousins though.
Used to buy for brothers sisters etc but once they had kids we only buy for the kids and no adults anymore

Lurkingonmn · 27/10/2025 16:22

Not even slightly unreasonable. I'm surprised you kept it going as long as you did. We stopped gift giving to cousins etc around the age of 18. We try to do a meet up or party together. Who wants gifts these days and who asks for cash for gifts, how tacky and embarrassing. Twin 1 is old enough to buy a house, old enough to talk for themself and old enough to not be asking for handouts: cf.

Lurker85 · 27/10/2025 16:31

Just message back saying- I would also like cash for Christmas this year so why don’t we just call it even.

Original poster
Livpool · 27/10/2025 16:33

Lurker85 · 27/10/2025 16:31

Just message back saying- I would also like cash for Christmas this year so why don’t we just call it even.

😂😂😂

OP posts:
PloddingAlong21 · 27/10/2025 16:34

So…it typically goes like this on occasions from them to you:

  1. you get a card?
  2. DH gets a card
  3. DS gets a card and gift?

this comes from ALL 4 of them?

in reverse you send:

  1. card to twin 1
  2. card to twin 2
  3. card to twin DH
  4. card a gift to their DS?

however they now want individual twin GIFTs but you still get a card? You’re also expected to send for their DS and DH gifts too?

I would be stating it’s weird they send like the DH is married to the both of them and start sending them a joint birthday gift to make a point. Women in their 30’s? This is ridiculous.

Terrribletwos · 27/10/2025 16:37

Livpool · 27/10/2025 13:57

Right have messaged uncle, and twins 1 and 2 and said we can just do presents for children now. Am sure they will bitch about me!

Oh my god - messaging my mum about it before and she reminded me I have never been aunt and uncle’s favourite person as when I was 7 and visiting their house I accidentally broke an ornament! Maybe it all stems from that ha!

Not sure if anyone remembers those china figures people had in the 80s - women in Georgian-esqe dresses? I broke the arm on one of them and my parents have to get it professionally fixed 🙈

Jeezo, your uncle asked your mum to professionally pay for damage to a figurine? It just gets worse.

Anyway, glad you're now sticking to kids only rule. I expect a lot of drama considering how they are.

FuzzyWolf · 27/10/2025 16:37

Glad you’ve messaged to say only getting gifts for children.

Make sure you address all future cards to all three of them.

Original poster
Livpool · 27/10/2025 16:38

PloddingAlong21 · 27/10/2025 16:34

So…it typically goes like this on occasions from them to you:

  1. you get a card?
  2. DH gets a card
  3. DS gets a card and gift?

this comes from ALL 4 of them?

in reverse you send:

  1. card to twin 1
  2. card to twin 2
  3. card to twin DH
  4. card a gift to their DS?

however they now want individual twin GIFTs but you still get a card? You’re also expected to send for their DS and DH gifts too?

I would be stating it’s weird they send like the DH is married to the both of them and start sending them a joint birthday gift to make a point. Women in their 30’s? This is ridiculous.

Yep!

I thought it was weird but just left is as status quo.

Ha - DH reminded me that a few years ago his birthday card had the wrong name…

OP posts:
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