To distance myself from a friend when she needs me

[LilacHedgehog123]

Wondering if I should suck it up...
I have a friend of 20 years and everything she does at the moment is annoying me. I have tried to pinpoint the top things that have annoyed me recently:

1. I used to pick up her son from school once a week (I have 2 kids in the same school and I work part-time, she works full time). I did this for 2 school years. I fed him dinner, entertained him and occasionally took him and my 2 kids out for ice cream or a milkshake, I even bought him a book from the book fair as it was there on a day I was picking him up and I didn't want him to be left out. It was hard work when the weather was bad, walking the mile home in the rain up a big hill while feeding the 3 of them snacks but I did it and didn't complain. She'd always say thank you but I feel like she never fully appreciated the time and effort. If I met up with her, she'd never offer to pay the parking or occasionally buy me a coffee as an acknowledgement of me being out of pocket looking after her son, it was always split down the middle.
2. For her 40th, I organised a fun thing for us to do with some friends, spent hours making her a photo book and get her a necklace with a personalised inscription. I went a bit OTT as it's a big birthday. For my 40th she admitted she shouted to her husband 5 mins before leaving to meet me for a drink "what can I get for her 40th?" and he found gig tickets online (for a tenner), bought them and printed them out. No time spent, no thought, just rushed.
3. She's had a lot of heartache over the years trying for a second baby. I always check in, I took an afternoon off work to walk around town with her one day when she was struggling mentally, when she had a miscarriage I was checking in daily, ringing, texting, coming over to be a shoulder to cry on. When my uncle died recently I told her I left work early as I couldn't stop crying. She sent a generic "Sorry to hear that, let me know if there's anything I can do" text and that was it. I then sent a photo from the funeral as it was abroad and done very differently to here and I just got a heart emoji back. No checking in, Nothing.
4. There are other small things but I'm not going to list everything.

I have found that I'm distancing myself from her recently and I feel bad about it as she's about to start IVF and will likely need me (and more childcare) over the next year. Should I suck it up for now and be there for her? She has a few other friends but no close family other that hubbie. It just feels so false.

What would you do? Am I being unreasonable (and selfish!)?

You can distance from someone for any reason.

It just sounds like you both have different approaches to some thing though. Doesn’t make either right or wrong.

She's used you for years. Don't feel guilty. And stop doing things for other people that make you feel undervalued. You have to place value on your own time and efforts. If you don't, others take advantage.

You sound like you have different communication and love language styles. She doesn't necessarily sound like a CF but it also sounds like you have never directly asked her to do something for you. IE let me know what I can do when your uncle died. Actually can you take the kids to the cinema this weekend so I can have a breath. I would try a different approach before ghosting. (Also why do you need to do 'more childcare' because she's having IVF - no, you don't, you don't want to do don't. )

Agree on the differing styles of communication with other posters but she certainly saw you coming on the childcare front. I'd draw that line very firmly the minute there's even a hint of you doing childcare. You are saving her a small fortune, the very least she could do is a bit of basic gratitude.

She's not your friend, ditch her.

You are giving her more than she is giving you and that is of course the reason for the resentment you are feeling.

You are giving her more and beyond when she needs you, but when she needs you she is giving you bare minimum (or, all she can give)

My advice if you want to keep the friendship is meet her where she meets you.

You are doing too much for her and she isn’t going to or able to give you that same back.

You can be there for a friend without being her childcare and therapist.

Step back a bit and focus on your own life.

No she’s a user, you are not responsible for her happiness. She obviously lacks emotional intelligence. Bin her off.

It’s unbalanced in terms of the help you give her.
I’d feel used frankly. Favours become expectations and entitlement.

Have you ever worked full time as a parent? I did it for a few years in a really stressful job and was probably like your friend. Life was hectic and I didn't have much time for putting the same thought into things like I do now I'm part time. I'd maybe cut her some slack if you enjoy her company.

I think some people give and do too much so they get resentful when others aren’t the same.

I was the same with a friend not that long ago, I was doing so much for her or being a listening ear continuously but didn’t get the same back. It caused so much resentment, I felt used. But I looked at my own choices and realised I was probably doing 200% effort. Even my therapist mentioned I was going too over and beyond, so felt disappointed when others were not doing the same.

Sometimes, like OP, it sounds like she never told her friend how she felt about the childcare, or spending money on her child’s friend, it were her choice to do these things, go big on the 40th birthday party and be a therapist to her friend during her secondary infertility.

Sometimes we need to take a step back and say no or put in boundaries

If this is a true friend that OP wants to keep then she needs to be honest with her x

She would help if I asked, but I rarely need to since we have grandparent support. She does step in when I ask, but I still feel a bit taken advantage of at times.
Lately she’s been hinting about childcare again (she’s going abroad for IVF), her husband works full-time, and her other friends don’t have flexible schedules. I work part-time by choice and earn less, but I’m happy with that trade-off. Still, because I’m more available, she often leans on me for school pick-ups or half-term help.

I’m on the fence with this one.

Did she ask for the childcare or did you offer? Although either way, I’d be much more appreciative than she has been.

You went OTT for her 40th imo. And it was quite crass of her to tell you the tale of her effort for your birthday.

When she asked if there was anything she could do after your uncle died, well, was there? Did you ask her? Tbh I’d find someone sending me a photo from a funeral quite odd, I wouldn’t know what to reply to that.

No and I do agree with you on this, she does have a lot going on. Having said that, I do chair a charity on top of working and having the kids so it does feel like a bit of an excuse sometimes. Maybe I'm wrong!

She's a user. Drop the rope.

I would stop the childcare, you are saving her money on childcare and she can't treat you to a coffee now and again? You probably won't see her for dust when you stop being her free help.

It is ok to help her when you can but her being so tight she can’t buy you a decent birthday present or coffee or a meal every now and then is showing how she uses you.

some people just think they are entitled to your time and efforts without any appreciation.

please spare yourself more heartache and distance from her, go enjoy days out with yourself or other friends. She will realise something is missing when you are distant.
if she asks, then tell her your reasons of feeling unappreciated and that you don’t deserve this - maybe she doesn’t realise or maybe she does and takes you for a ride.

I hear so many good people being taken advantage by “takers” of this world.

good luck, focus on your selfcare

This!

Just because you work part-time does not mean you’re obliged to help her. You’ve chosen to work part-time to benefit your family and her working full time is not your problem to solve.

I probably offered. I do struggle to say no when a friend is heavily hinting and I'm trying to be a good friend.

Yes I prob did go OTT for her 40th but I can't help feeling disappointed with the lack of thought. Especially after all I do for her.

I guess all I wanted from her when my uncle died was a text or two asking if I was ok. It would have shown that she at least cared. I didn't message or ring her after her miscarriage because I felt like I should. I did it because I was genuinely concerned about her. So when I didn't get anything from her when my uncle died, it made me feel like she doesn't give a sh!t.

The photo of the funeral was of the monks etc in the temple, I said it was his final send off and that I was sad I couldn't be there for it. That's when I got a heart emoji..

I think you seriously need to set some boundaries and step back if you genuinely do want to keep this friendship

for your own sanity stop going above and beyond.

and also, don’t feel bad reaching out for help from your friend because not everyone is the same, some people are there if you ask them to help and some naturally step in

I think that’s a really important point, @boymamahere — a lot of the time on threads like this, the person complaining has been massively over-giving, beyond their own time/financial/emotional resources, and is then seething with suppressed resentment that the other person doesn’t match their efforts. People need to ask themselves what they can give in terms of support etc, and not go beyond that.

For instance, the OP is already envisaging being expected to do more childcare because of her friend’s IVF because of the working patterns of the fruend’s DH and other friends, but she hasn’t been asked, and she has the choice to say no.

What she should definitely not do is agree resentfully to do more childcare, and then get furious when her friend doesn’t throw her a big 50th birthday party or give her a lavish present to ‘repay’ her. Never do a service you resent.Ask yourself why say no is so difficult for you. What feelings are you avoiding in not saying no?

Sounds like a bit of a one sided friendship. If and when she has another baby do NOT offer childcare otherwise you will be stuck with it. I learned this lesson years ago !!

What a very thought provoking reply, thank you for this. Yes I do struggle to say no and I end up taking on far too much.

These replies have been very eye-opening. Yes I do take on too much and go OTT on trying to be the best friend I can be and feel resentful when I don't get the same back. Time to stop giving 200%. Not sure how yet though 😂

Yes this hits the nail on the head.

As I mentioned I did the exact same thing as OP doing and giving way more than necessary, no boundaries and didn’t want to say no. That let to resentment and “my friend is using me”

Actually, I was just doing way too much. Poor boundaries, saying yes to everything. That was MY choice to make.

OP needs to take a step back and focus on her own life. Say no to childcare, stop throwing big parties for others. Focus on her own life and children. OP is making herself responsible for her friend

You can support a friend without being her childcare and therapist.

Ditch her and tell her why.