To distance myself from a friend when she needs me

[LilacHedgehog123]

Wondering if I should suck it up...
I have a friend of 20 years and everything she does at the moment is annoying me. I have tried to pinpoint the top things that have annoyed me recently:

1. I used to pick up her son from school once a week (I have 2 kids in the same school and I work part-time, she works full time). I did this for 2 school years. I fed him dinner, entertained him and occasionally took him and my 2 kids out for ice cream or a milkshake, I even bought him a book from the book fair as it was there on a day I was picking him up and I didn't want him to be left out. It was hard work when the weather was bad, walking the mile home in the rain up a big hill while feeding the 3 of them snacks but I did it and didn't complain. She'd always say thank you but I feel like she never fully appreciated the time and effort. If I met up with her, she'd never offer to pay the parking or occasionally buy me a coffee as an acknowledgement of me being out of pocket looking after her son, it was always split down the middle.
2. For her 40th, I organised a fun thing for us to do with some friends, spent hours making her a photo book and get her a necklace with a personalised inscription. I went a bit OTT as it's a big birthday. For my 40th she admitted she shouted to her husband 5 mins before leaving to meet me for a drink "what can I get for her 40th?" and he found gig tickets online (for a tenner), bought them and printed them out. No time spent, no thought, just rushed.
3. She's had a lot of heartache over the years trying for a second baby. I always check in, I took an afternoon off work to walk around town with her one day when she was struggling mentally, when she had a miscarriage I was checking in daily, ringing, texting, coming over to be a shoulder to cry on. When my uncle died recently I told her I left work early as I couldn't stop crying. She sent a generic "Sorry to hear that, let me know if there's anything I can do" text and that was it. I then sent a photo from the funeral as it was abroad and done very differently to here and I just got a heart emoji back. No checking in, Nothing.
4. There are other small things but I'm not going to list everything.

I have found that I'm distancing myself from her recently and I feel bad about it as she's about to start IVF and will likely need me (and more childcare) over the next year. Should I suck it up for now and be there for her? She has a few other friends but no close family other that hubbie. It just feels so false.

What would you do? Am I being unreasonable (and selfish!)?

Doesn't she reimburse you for the money you spent buying ice cream/book for her DC ? Is her dc friend with your DC?
If not l would pull back as the relationship seems a bit one sided.

I have a friend who doesn't work and puts huge amounts of effort into gifts and meals. Her dh earns a high salary, mine does not. We live on different planets really. She has no understanding of why i'm chaotic at times. Like it's some sort of fault in me. I'm just exhausted a lot of the time.

She finds me lacking i guess. I find her over the top at times. Like she'll put a chocolate on your pillow or send you a card saying how she's looking forward to you coming for dinner. In all honesty i wish she wouldn't. It's as though she needs her friends to validate her by doing these things. Why can't we just enjoy a meal or a walk or something without all the twee stuff.

Stop saying yes to the childcare. Stop buying OTT presents. Don’t be so available and wait for her to reach out to you. Then you will have real sense of if she is a friend or not.
Being someone’s unpaid nanny isn’t being a good friend. It’s people pleasing.

I get you OP - I've had this too. But miscarriage v uncle dying is different. I think you are hurt cos you feel like you love her more/put more effort in/are taken for granted. I think tell her - give her one chance to know and make it right - before distancing. It worked for me and brought us closer and at least you tried

Danielle bayard jackson has good phrases to do this

Dont do that, Miscarriage is devastating but you dont know the upset losing a long term family member might also cause and its not a competition, you can still suppprt someone who has might I add really been there for you.

This is why I don't do close friends. Your lives diverge & before you can say Jack Robinson, one of you is saying 'waaah! I'm doing everything!' Stick to acquaintances, pay people for childcare unless you can come to a one for one agreement or something equally sensible & stuff like birthdays? I would die of embarrassment if someone not a blood relation made a huge fuss for me - surely a card & a nice box of chocs is sufficient? Back off from this friend; you don't see life in the same way.

It doesn’t feel balanced so yes I would distance yourself and make yourself much less available.

Oh, I agree. Sometimes I even irritate myself with my people pleasing, let alone anyone else. That's why I decided to work on it.

It's about balance, of course, like everything, because I still think kindness is important, and I will never not think that.

And it's the work of a lifetime to understand who you are and why you do the things you do, let alone to then adjust them to make your own life (and the lives of others) easier.

But I have certainly tried to stop helping people more than they actually want me to, because I can well imagine how fucking annoying it can be.....

You can distance yourself from anyone for any reason. But finding walking an extra child home “hard work” is pushing it a bit!