To distance myself from a friend when she needs me

[LilacHedgehog123]

Wondering if I should suck it up...
I have a friend of 20 years and everything she does at the moment is annoying me. I have tried to pinpoint the top things that have annoyed me recently:

1. I used to pick up her son from school once a week (I have 2 kids in the same school and I work part-time, she works full time). I did this for 2 school years. I fed him dinner, entertained him and occasionally took him and my 2 kids out for ice cream or a milkshake, I even bought him a book from the book fair as it was there on a day I was picking him up and I didn't want him to be left out. It was hard work when the weather was bad, walking the mile home in the rain up a big hill while feeding the 3 of them snacks but I did it and didn't complain. She'd always say thank you but I feel like she never fully appreciated the time and effort. If I met up with her, she'd never offer to pay the parking or occasionally buy me a coffee as an acknowledgement of me being out of pocket looking after her son, it was always split down the middle.
2. For her 40th, I organised a fun thing for us to do with some friends, spent hours making her a photo book and get her a necklace with a personalised inscription. I went a bit OTT as it's a big birthday. For my 40th she admitted she shouted to her husband 5 mins before leaving to meet me for a drink "what can I get for her 40th?" and he found gig tickets online (for a tenner), bought them and printed them out. No time spent, no thought, just rushed.
3. She's had a lot of heartache over the years trying for a second baby. I always check in, I took an afternoon off work to walk around town with her one day when she was struggling mentally, when she had a miscarriage I was checking in daily, ringing, texting, coming over to be a shoulder to cry on. When my uncle died recently I told her I left work early as I couldn't stop crying. She sent a generic "Sorry to hear that, let me know if there's anything I can do" text and that was it. I then sent a photo from the funeral as it was abroad and done very differently to here and I just got a heart emoji back. No checking in, Nothing.
4. There are other small things but I'm not going to list everything.

I have found that I'm distancing myself from her recently and I feel bad about it as she's about to start IVF and will likely need me (and more childcare) over the next year. Should I suck it up for now and be there for her? She has a few other friends but no close family other that hubbie. It just feels so false.

What would you do? Am I being unreasonable (and selfish!)?

I worked full time as a single parent. If a friend had picked my child up one day a week for two years and fed them dinner and treated them occasionally if they went out, I would have been incredibly grateful and would certainly had offered to treat this friend if we met for coffee or lunch.

OP's friend seems to have taken all OP's help and support for granted.

I was happy to pick her son up but the odd bit of gratitude would have been nice. "Let me take you out to dinner or buy you a coffee as a thank you for 2 years of free childcare". I didn't want money for it, just an acknowledgement of the ongoing effort I was putting in.

The photo of the funeral I sent came with a message from me, I'm so sad I missed his funeral due to where it was (abroad). I guess I was hoping for a phonecall "are you ok?" to give me a chance to talk to someone about it, even have a cry. Goodness knows I've been a shoulder for her to cry on enough over the years. A heart emoji was all that message got.

Yes maybe I should have said to her "can you ring me, I need to have a cry down the phone" but that seemed more odd to be honest, she would have felt a bit forced to ring me then. I just thought she'd be upset for me and would want to check in. But apparently she's only there for me if I tell her exactly how to be there and when. That's not what I want from a friend of 20 years. I want a friend who's there because they actually care about me!

I'd say your friend is likely a bit selfish or maybe just doesn't reflect on things as much as some. However, on the flipside there are defo people who tend to go a bit OTT with things and the expect reciprocation (which probs isn't the case here).

I had a friend who'd go bonkers at xmas and buy everybody a £50 present. Generally, none of us really did xmas gifts and probs didn't spend this much on birthdays - maybe a £20 gift and we'd meet for a meal or drinks. We all went along with it for a year or two but eventually had to have a polite word as it would've meant spending hundreds on gifts every year and friend would've been most annoyed if we'd not all reciprocated.

She may be wanting more childcare, but doesn’t mean you have to give it. It’s not your responsibility to solve her problems, and working part-time diesn’t give people free access to your time.

In the past , your were willing to help a friend, and you both fell in the trap of her assuming your help, and you giving it (thus entitling her in this situation). However, now you’ve taken a step back, you no longer want to continue with this arrangement.

Don’t be so readily available and be willing to say no. if you’re not working, that’s your time, and not up to her to decide you’re free to look after her children.

Please don't take this the wrong way (I can see you are upset and understand why). But I do think there is a false assumption in this post, and I would like to flag it as hopefully it will make you feel better to see if.

You assume that because she would need you to tell her how to support you, that means she doesn't actually care for you.

That doesn't follow at all.

If she didn't care for you she would have no interest in supporting you full stop.

It seems that this woman DOES want to support you, she just needs you to tell her how to do it. She cares, she just isn't a natural empath.

You sound quite like me - I give and give in friendships/relationships - I pride myself on my open and loving heart. It's the thing I like most about myself.

But at the same time, if others don't give the same back, in the end I start to resent it and it does turn me against them a bit.

It's something I really want to work on. I want to keep giving, but also accept that others have different priorities, and show their love differently.

I really want to accept that we are all different, with different strengths, and that the way I am in frridnships isn't the only right way to be. But sometimes it's difficult.

Your posts sound like things I could have written myself, so perhaps you are a bit the same.

It sounds very much just though the gifts you offer people - where they are actual gifts or your time and energy - come with mental strings attached rather than ribbons.

Maybe try to figure out why this is and stop burdening other people with the weight of your unmet and unexpressed expectations.

But it's not up the OP to pick up her slack. Working full time doesn't stop her buying coffees as a thank you for free childcare for 2 years or making sure her child has money for a book at the book fair.

She is a cheeky fucker.
All the childcare, feeding her son etc that you've done and she can't even buy you a coffee or pay for parking, that's not on. You are not working part time so as to give your time, energy and money to her so I'd be backing off from the childcare and definitely not take on any more.

I don't get why the people at the beginning of this thread were saying things like - neither is wrong, different communication styles. The difference was you gave and she took.

I don't believe that friendships should be transactional but you have proved to be a good friend and when you let her know that you were sad and grieving your relative she couldn't even send a bunch of flowers or offer to take your child so you could have some quiet time.

Step back. Have some standard 'no' replies ready for the childcare ambush.

Just on the childcare alone, if a friend collected my child weekly for a year (did I read that right?) that would be “have friend’s child for a sleepover every holiday and half term” / very large Fortnum’s hamper at xmas time / generous birthday gift territory. That’s an enormous help and it looks like it has barely been acknowledged.

Yes, I agree.

I would make excuses for the childcare “cant today we have an appointment to get too.” And just keep making up excuses. Then decide if you really want her in your life, it all very much sounds about herself.

Agree with PP who have said that the issue is you going over the top.
I am somewhat on the other end of this. I have a friend who insists on spending hours and hours on hand-made gifts made with expensive materials for me on my birthday and at Christmas.
She has been visibly put out when I have given her a normal shop-bought gift. Dropped lots of massive hints that she values ‘time and thoughtfulness’ when it comes to gifts. I don’t have hours to spend hand-making her a birthday gift, and even if I did, I am not a crafty person and it would suck!
I feel huge pressure every time her birthday and Christmas comes round because I feel that I can never live up to her expectations and often delay seeing her so that I can panic-bake something. It’s a stressful way to be a friend.

I see what you’re saying, but it’s a transactional way of looking at things and if it’s a true favour and kindness, it shouldn’t need repaying like that?

You just need to do a lot less for her. Then it could feel more even

Thanks for this. I have honestly learnt so much from everyone's replies. I understand now why I have been feeling so resentful and have found a few things to work on myself that will help me going forwards! Thank you so much for everyone's time replying!

Lately she’s been hinting about childcare again (she’s going abroad for IVF), her husband works full-time, and her other friends don’t have flexible schedules. I work part-time by choice and earn less, but I’m happy with that trade-off. Still, because I’m more available, she often leans on me for school pick-ups or half-term help.

it sounds as though you need to practice saying "no" or "sorry, no" if you feel taken advantage of. It is not her fault you don't ask her because your support network is closer. In those terms, you are her support network.

So just be clear, if she asks you say "sorry, no" if you don't want to do it.

(i am intrigued why you had to walk a mile feeding snacks to children - what is this obsession with snacks? if you need to give them a bit of a snack at hometime, eat the snack, walk home)

I get this but there is a middle ground between going OTT on gifts and not even thinking about it at all which was the case here. I'd have been happy with anything really. She didn't even spend 5 mins thinking about it, she got her husband to do 2 mins of online research as she was walking out the door to meet me! But I do understand the other side now which has been very helpful as I realised I've always gone a bit OTT on presents and felt a little disappointed when it's not reciprocated so it's been very helpful to understand the other point of view!

tbh, unless i know the uncle had been a father figure in someones life i would also just send a condolence message. And if i say "let me know if there is anything i can do" and they don't ask for anything, i assume they are fine.

Your friend is not a mind reader. And nor are you. If she has "hinted at childcare" before, have you jumped in and offered before she asks? For her that is "oh Lilac is lovely, and i can now tick off 'find childcare' off my list". In future, if she hints but doesn't overtly ask: don't offer. She will have to look elsewhere, it is not your problem. And if she does ask and it is going to add to your (IMO unwarranted) seething resentment, say "no"

(i think the resentment is unwarranted because of your own lack of boundaries, you should be more cross with her than with yourself)

Just a thing we do as the walk home us up a big hill, we have 'checkpoints' so they know when they get to the end of the path, then the bottom of the hill, then halfway up etc they get a little something (raspberry and a chocolate button). It's gets them home quickly and without whinging!!

Interesting! Thanks for your opinion

ah ok so not walking and snacking - that sounds like a great tactic to get them moving!!

I didn't mention - sorry, that wasn't lovely of me - that you do sound like a lovely and empathetic friend. Which is why you feel bad for feeling resentful, iYSWIM?

So don't worry about it over much, work on your boundaries, and maybe see if you can go out for coffee or something with your friend to have a good chinwag about anything other than children? (and don't let her dominate the conversation, and don't jump in and offer childcare)

I’m reading people saying that she has used you for years. I don’t think so. I think this is a case that you are very empathetic and do a great deal for those you care about. Your thinking ahead about her coming IVF journey and lack of support is an example.

for her, she may not have the bandwidth to think about other as you do if she is stressed balancing full time work, child, home, fertility etc. people with problems tend to appear similar to your friend as they can pretty much only focus on getting through each day.

which may be the case for your friend. She does not do things to the level you do for others. That does not mean she is using you, is not your friend nor that she does not care about you.

is she the right friend for you? Not likely. She’s probably better as an acquaintance for you. Park her there. Set yourself some boundaries. Don’t volunteer help. Learn to say no, say if something doesn’t work for you. Don’t feel guilty.

But, @tragichero , if you read what @tupils has said about being on the receiving end, you’re coming perilously close to placing an unrequested burden of obligation on the recipient as well as your subsequent resentment

Hi op your not being unreasonable or selfish your friend sounds like she’s not as invested as you tbh. Maybe try not volunteer your services all the time. If you didn’t text, call would you still hear from her or do you have to be the one that reaches out all the time. It isn’t your responsibility to offer child care because she chooses to work full time when you have children you choose what’s best for you and your children and it’s not your fault she’s having to pay for ivf. I think you need to be more like her and put yourself first.