I have caused so much pain to so many people and it’s too late to fix it.

[wrongstation]

I was very insecure when I was younger and overheard my husband’s parents and siblings telling him they didn’t like me and to end our relationship.
He knew I was uncomfortable with him listening to people that were trying to persuade him to leave me all the time so he stopped contact with his family.

His friends were concerned that he didn’t speak to his family anymore and kept trying to get him to talk to them, he changed his number but his friends gave his new number to his mum even though he said not to, so he stopped seeing those friends too.
They didn’t give up and were constantly calling and texting and by this time I was pregnant and still worried that he’d listen to them and just wanted us to be left alone to be happy.
Eventually we moved away and got married so we could be together without judgment but I am a lot older now as this was 17 years ago and the reality is I isolated my husband from his family and friends because they didn’t like me and I felt threatened by them talking him out of being with me.
I literally just removed them like they were obstacles in the way of my happiness.
I hate that I did this to my lovely husband and I’ve apologised but he just thanks me for getting him away from there and says how happy he is and yes we are happy now but I can’t live with myself for all the heartbreak I’ve caused his family who don’t even know our teenage kids.
I am not insecure now I’m older and a lot more confident than I was but I know there’s no going back because his family didn’t like me to begin with and especially don’t now they think I am controlling and have isolated him from his family and friends which is 100% what I did and I am even more sorry that I did that to him and he doesn’t blame me and says he did it so we could be happy, which we are.
I know there’s no going back now, and what’s done is done but I wish I could have been stronger and it could’ve been different.
He just says leave it, we’re happy and that’s all that matters but it’s eating me up.

Again you have absolutely no clue why the family were bad mouthing the OP. You are very naieve if you have not considered that his family could be deeply toxic. You are making a judgement without any information based on your lived experience but maybe the family are toxic and the OPs husband is better off with out them. There is not enough information here to say either way. Some families are deeply dysfunctional and abusive.

It's not unusual for your siblings to be similar to your parents and if they are toxic then your siblings might well be too. You might also have toxic traits that you are working through if you're from a toxic family.

People from toxic families tend to end up in toxic friendships as it's what they are used to in relationships. It's not uncommon for someone's whole social circle to be problematic.

When I met DH, his friends all hated me. They were very incestuous and were constantly changing partners from within the group. His ex-wife and he split up because she had an affair with a friend from the group, who had also made a pass at his sister. They felt that I'd swooped in out of nowhere and taken a spot that was reserved for one of the women in the group.

I tried to rise above it and never once said that he shouldn't speak to them. In fact, I encouraged him to carry on attending social events and kept trying to be friendly with them all, even when they were openly rude to me. I ended up forming amicable relationships with some of the men but the women never "forgave" me, and his sister, ex-wife, and female friends formed a weird little hate group, spreading malicious gossip about me and so on.

He's lost touch with most of those people now, and cut his sister off. Obviously has to have some limited contact with the ex-wife but any chance of an amicable co-parenting relationship is long gone after some of the rumours she spread. We've been happily married for 10 years.

My friend is dating an ex-Jehovah's witness...he doesn't have much contact with his family but you can imagine what they think about her. It's not always the partner.

The distance between your dh and his "friends and parents is about his decisions not yours.
His parents didn't trust him. Not to know in his own mind what made him happy or to make decisions for himself. Trying to impose their own will over that because of whatever prejudice they held was unfair and morally wrong unless they had reason to doubt his ability to think for himself. ie mental deficit or not having reached the age of legal responsibility.

His friends did the same thing. They didn't think he was trustworthy towards himself.

He cut these people off so he could persue his own happiness. Apparently quite successfully.

This is the uncomfortable bit.
Now you are doing it too. You do not trust that he did the right thing? That is a huge betrayal of his assertion that he did know what he wanted.

When you think of this you should consider that the value of what he has given up to be with you is not what you think it is. He has given up the company of people who have no faith in him, not some lovely cosy family around some mythical fireside. You should not think of the pain you think you might gave caused but the pain he avoided. Either you demonstrate faith in his knowledge of himself, or you become one of them.

they got your number op
have you all made amends?

It’s possible. It’s also possible that the OP was/is the problem, and, given that she does appear to be now taking responsibility for having ended her now DH’s relationship with his family, she seems to view herself as culpable?

Leaving aside entirely the DH’s own wishes on the matter, about which we know nothing.

You sound manipulative and controlling. If you were a man you’d be getting a very different response. You’ve even skilfully manipulated PP’s, very unsettling. Why on earth would all
his family and friends want him away from you, because you are ‘posh’. Pull the other one.

Have you actually read the OP original post. I'm not making any assumptions, I read what she wrote where she states she isolated her partner from his family and now regrets what she did. There's no comment what so ever by me on the circumstances for her actions.
And my post is agreeing with a previous post about the hypocritical take on this thread that responses would have been completly different if it was a man making the original post. Which it would.

Did I say I did. All my post says is I agree with a previous post it would be different if it was a man posting this with the same information that the OP posted. Why have you brought other issues into your reply, I made no comments about.

Hey!

I know the guilt you feel. My partner no longer speaks to his mum because of me, similar situation to yours. I often feel so bad and tell him to make amends. He said it was his choice and regardless of whether I was in the picture or not, because of how she was growing up and how she is as a person it would be the same situation sooner or later whether I was on the scene or not. I know it’s hard, but it’s his families choice to be how they were and your partners choice to be with you. It is a hard situation though and you have my sympathies.

That's not what she said. She said, "I overheard my husband’s parents and siblings telling him they didn’t like me and to end our relationship.
He knew I was uncomfortable with him listening to people that were trying to persuade him to leave me all the time so he stopped contact with his family."

I would also cut of contact with someone who tried to persuade me to leave my husband. She doesn't say at any point that SHE told him to cut off contact. He knew what THEY were saying was manipulative and disrespectful so HE chose HER.

He's a good husband and he did the right thing. His family and friends all sound very overbearing and it's good he got away from them.

Is this clear enough

You haven't said what your husbands relationship with his family was like before you met. Maybe he cut them off because of you or maybe he was glad to have an excuse to go no contact. It's impossible for anyone here to say for sure. I think it's clear your behaviour was somewhat controlling which is never a good thing in a relationship.

What I find more interesting is your self obsession. You couldn't handle your husbands family not liking you, now you can't live with the guilt of the part you played in him going no contact, his reassurance is insufficient and so you have come to the internet. What do you want from this thread? I don't know you so have no interest in hurting your feelings but you do seem very focussed on how bad you feel about how your actions might have hurt others even though you have no contact with those people.

Your husband could make attempts to reconnect with his family if he wanted to but clearly he doesn't. He says he is happy. There is nothing you can do to change the past but you could stop yourself trying to force him to try to repair his relationship with his family so that you will feel better. Your attempts to interfere before are why you are wracked with guilt now. Learn from that and let sleeping dogs lie. If your husband ever expresses an interest in contacting his family you can be positive and encouraging but you should not try to engineer it.

Of course it is but people coming down on one side or the other are doing so with no information to do so.

MN generally has a significant habit of coming down extremely hard on the original poster. I don’t think anyone can say here with the information given where this lands. Why his family disliked her is relevant?

Did she have numerous affairs on her DP? Was she mean to him and them? Did she behave horribly towards him and them?

Did they not think she was good enough for their diddums? Are they very controlling, domineering, overbearing, enmeshed?

All relevant with very different outcomes for the OP and her DH. In one she has to change in the other she and her DH have to implement boundaries.

There is no advice to give without decent background.

Are you worried that your children could do this to you and it has got you reflecting?

Family sounds uber enmeshed and friends sound like flying monkeys that don´t respect your husband´s wishes. And you are doing the same now. Let sleeping dogs lie, it was done for the best and so be it.

You shouldn't apologise. Your DH was being pressured by his family and friends. He chose you. If anyone was trying to control him it was them, not you

Except it doesn’t happen overnight for people in abusive and controlling relationships. It happens gradually until they have no one left but their abuser.

The most strongest and confident woman I know who was super close to her family ended up in this situation. It really can happen to anyone and I’m surprised at the number of posters her defending OP.

But didn't your husband make the decision to cut off contact with his family? Even if you'd be pushing him to, it's still ultimately his decision as a grown man to do this? I think you're husband is right to tell you not to think on it, what's done is done and you're happy x

Or.
Taking the post at face value?

@PinkyFlamingo would you say that to a woman being abused by a partner?

Again, if a women posted that her family didn't like her partner and he overheard them saying so and he then persuaded her to cut contacts with them, and her friends didn't like her partner and he persuaded her to cut contact with them and then he persuaded her to move along way away.
Would everyone be saying it's fine because your family were obviously toxic (no evidence posted of this) and your friends were obviously flakey (no evidence posted of this)
and then her partner posts that actually he felt he was controlling and coercive and it was his fault it happened, would people post for him not to worry, she's an adult and made her own choices to dump her family and friends and move away and was probably for the best anyway.
I've never seen that, and there are plenty women that post this has happened to them. Admittedly not many men, if any, that post it was their actions that caused it.

I find it terribly sad that so many people are saying it was the DH’s choice to go along with this, so OP shouldn’t blame herself. Have people not heard of coercive control? Do they know nothing about abuse, and how one of the things abusive partners do is isolate their victim from friends and family? Is it not possible that there’s a reason that everyone in this man’s life wanted him to leave OP?

If a woman posted saying all her friends and family had warned her off her DH, so he’d persuaded her to go NC with all of them, she’d be told she was a victim.

Did he really cut contact because of their comments about your or were there other reasons as well?

Honestly it does kind of sound like she forced him.