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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have caused so much pain to so many people and it’s too late to fix it.

173 replies

wrongstation · 27/10/2025 10:13

I was very insecure when I was younger and overheard my husband’s parents and siblings telling him they didn’t like me and to end our relationship.
He knew I was uncomfortable with him listening to people that were trying to persuade him to leave me all the time so he stopped contact with his family.

His friends were concerned that he didn’t speak to his family anymore and kept trying to get him to talk to them, he changed his number but his friends gave his new number to his mum even though he said not to, so he stopped seeing those friends too.
They didn’t give up and were constantly calling and texting and by this time I was pregnant and still worried that he’d listen to them and just wanted us to be left alone to be happy.
Eventually we moved away and got married so we could be together without judgment but I am a lot older now as this was 17 years ago and the reality is I isolated my husband from his family and friends because they didn’t like me and I felt threatened by them talking him out of being with me.
I literally just removed them like they were obstacles in the way of my happiness.
I hate that I did this to my lovely husband and I’ve apologised but he just thanks me for getting him away from there and says how happy he is and yes we are happy now but I can’t live with myself for all the heartbreak I’ve caused his family who don’t even know our teenage kids.
I am not insecure now I’m older and a lot more confident than I was but I know there’s no going back because his family didn’t like me to begin with and especially don’t now they think I am controlling and have isolated him from his family and friends which is 100% what I did and I am even more sorry that I did that to him and he doesn’t blame me and says he did it so we could be happy, which we are.
I know there’s no going back now, and what’s done is done but I wish I could have been stronger and it could’ve been different.
He just says leave it, we’re happy and that’s all that matters but it’s eating me up.

OP posts:
randomchap · 27/10/2025 10:15

Have you considered counselling? It might help you process the decisions you made years ago.

Octavia64 · 27/10/2025 10:16

This isn’t just on you.

you overheard his family telling him to end the relationship. That would make anyone insecure. It was also not good behaviour from his family.

he took his own decisions.

you are not responsible for the decisions he took.

sounds like his family were totally wrong in any case as your relationship has clearly lasted and been successful.

PinkyFlamingo · 27/10/2025 10:18

He had a choice though didnt he?

LittleMG · 27/10/2025 10:20

They should have just backed off. It wasn’t you really you were part of a bigger problem.

Alignedplanks98 · 27/10/2025 10:22

Presumably your dh is a functioning adult with capacity to make his own decisions?

If he is not wracked with guilt then I don’t see why you should be?

MousseMousse · 27/10/2025 10:24

Unless you in some way coerced him or constantly guilted him into breaking contact, this doesn't sound like you're at fault here.

I think you should have some counselling because your self esteem is still pretty low

TwinklyStork · 27/10/2025 10:24

PinkyFlamingo · 27/10/2025 10:18

He had a choice though didnt he?

Imagine saying that to a woman whose husband had deliberately isolated her from her family. There would be uproar and screams of abuse.

OP, I expect the mumsnet double standard will be out in force in responses to this post and you will get a lot of “it wasn’t your fault” posts. You also say you isolated him from his friends so it wasn’t just because his family didn’t like you, was it? I can only advise you urgently get some therapy and encourage your husband to do the same, away from you, to give him the tools to reconnect with his family and friends.

FajitaNightCap · 27/10/2025 10:25

Why did his family not like you, right back at the start? I mean, his parents and his siblings all trying to persuade him to leave you sounds like some major familial intervention! And strange that it happened when you were close enough to overhear it…?

FunnyOrca · 27/10/2025 10:25

It seems your husband worked quite hard at the severing of ties, changing the number and then cutting people who passed it on is not a passive action. He cut his family out.

Glistening · 27/10/2025 10:26

Do you have any idea of why they all initially disliked you so much?

Unless you’re really horrible (doesn’t sound like it) it seems like his family/friends
were very overbearing in telling him to leave. So maybe he raally
did want to get away.

Original poster
wrongstation · 27/10/2025 10:26

I guess it’s common knowledge about controlling partners isolating their partners and how it’s a massive red flag and see myself there and think gosh I actually did this to him

OP posts:
Rhubarbandgooseburycrumble · 27/10/2025 10:28

This all depends on why they didn’t like you in the first place. I feel there is only half a story being told here.

It’s quite unusual for family and friends to keep telling someone they should leave their partner.

DelphiniumBlue · 27/10/2025 10:28

Why is too late to try to sort this, to reach out, to apologise?

Castiela · 27/10/2025 10:28

This sounds exactly like hat abusers do if I am honest. Alienate the other person from absolutely everyone. If this happened to my friend I would also try to help.
The fact that he says he is happy with it doesn't mean much imho because lots of DV victims minds get moulded into "yes darling of course you were right".

This is really uncomfortable read including some of the replies....

BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 27/10/2025 10:29

It doesn't sound like you forced him to cut them off

It sounds like their actions were unfair and harmful and he cut them off because they wouldn't accept you - who was and is important to him

Were you crying and clinging to him and going "you have to cut those nasty people out of your life because they don't like me?"

SerafinasGoose · 27/10/2025 10:32

OP - you are likely internalizing the message so often put out on this site and elsewhere: that whenever something goes wrong between a son and his family of origin it is always, by default, the fault of the nearest available woman.

This is bunkum, but you appear so mired in (misplaced) guilt that at present you are unable to see it. Your husband is a grown man: an autonomous, mature, capable adult. He's capable of making his own decisions and carrying them out. And, reading between the lines of your post, this is clearly the thin end of a long-standing wedge. Far from the reverse being true, he's actually grateful that this matter brought his situation to a head and enabled him to make his own decision to get away from that. His family sounds overbearing - their son's choice of partner is exactly that: his choice. Not theirs.

And of course they blamed the woman. They nearly always do.

Conversely I don't believe, from what you've said, that you've done anything wrong. Perhaps some therapy is necessary to enable you to unpick why you've shouldered the burden of responsibility for something that was, in the end, someone else's clear decision. And be kinder to yourself. What would you say to a friend who was in the same position, who was beating herself up with guilt over others' behaviour?

We don't get to control that. We are responsible for our own actions, not those of other people. Take care 🌷

WhatNoRaisins · 27/10/2025 10:32

I get that controlling partners will try to isolate their partner from their family and friends. I also think that there are situations where someone grows up in a toxic family and sees it as normal, gets into a relationship with a functional person and sees their family in a new negative light. I can see how if they start withdrawing from their family it could look the same as the first situation. I could imagine pushback from the family to the partner if they sense this happening.

OP we don't know what your partner or his family are actually like so it's hard to say who's to blame. You make him sound quite passive here? Do you think that you coerced him or did he also want a chance to move on from these people?

MousseMousse · 27/10/2025 10:32

Castiela · 27/10/2025 10:28

This sounds exactly like hat abusers do if I am honest. Alienate the other person from absolutely everyone. If this happened to my friend I would also try to help.
The fact that he says he is happy with it doesn't mean much imho because lots of DV victims minds get moulded into "yes darling of course you were right".

This is really uncomfortable read including some of the replies....

Well that's clearly what the op is afraid but it's not clear how much of it was driven by her and how much of it was by her husbands own free will

@wrongstation did you tell, suggest or encourage your husband to break off contact with his friends or family or to change his number?

But his friends gave his new number to his mum even though he said not to, so he stopped seeing those friends too

This is pretty bad of his friend's tbh and doesn't reflect well on them

Rosiedayss · 27/10/2025 10:33

Well he had free choice to choose you and did.

His family were against your union so how would that have played out with them if he had stayed in contact?

His friends had no business whatsoever getting involved in his family relationships, how very odd for them to do that.

Stop spoiling your happy life.
Your husband is happy with his choices, accept that.

Original poster
wrongstation · 27/10/2025 10:34

Glistening · 27/10/2025 10:26

Do you have any idea of why they all initially disliked you so much?

Unless you’re really horrible (doesn’t sound like it) it seems like his family/friends
were very overbearing in telling him to leave. So maybe he raally
did want to get away.

They didn’t like me because they thought I was posh. I’m not posh, a bit quiet when I was younger maybe so a bit reserved but that was shyness.
I came out of my shell as I got older.

OP posts:
SerafinasGoose · 27/10/2025 10:34

wrongstation · 27/10/2025 10:26

I guess it’s common knowledge about controlling partners isolating their partners and how it’s a massive red flag and see myself there and think gosh I actually did this to him

Except you didn't.

I couldn't cut my DH off from his family if I wanted to. Because he's an autonomous, individual human being with his own mind and own will.

GingerBeverage · 27/10/2025 10:35

You keep saying you’re happy now, but it’s clear you’re not.

What is your relationship with your own family like?

Have you thought about seeing a therapist?

FaceBothered · 27/10/2025 10:41

wrongstation · 27/10/2025 10:26

I guess it’s common knowledge about controlling partners isolating their partners and how it’s a massive red flag and see myself there and think gosh I actually did this to him

If you've been 100% truthful in your OP, unbiased in your side of the story telling and missed nothing important out, I don't understand the point of this thread?

You've said his family wanted you to split, he didn't want to so he went NC with them.

He was happy to do that then and 17 years on he's still happy.

So is there something you've left out or not? 😳

Dozycuntlaters · 27/10/2025 10:41

Well to be honest, it depends on why they didn't like you.

If there were red flags and they had valid reasons for not liking you, then yes you did alienate him for your own purpose and that is abusive behaviour. However, if they just took a dislike to you because they were not happy about the fact that he was in a relationship then that would make them quite toxic and in the wrong.

Your DH is responsible too. He could have stood firm and said they are my family and I'm not cutting them off.....so it's not all down to you. We can't possibly say as we do not know what went on, but sometimes cutting people out our lives is for the greater good, so I guess you need to do some soul searching and work out the reasons why this happened.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 27/10/2025 10:41

It's great that you now recognise that you were controlling. It is very damaging to everyone involved.
Why is it too late to attempt to reach out?
My v posh cousins wife did the same to us and his beautiful/perfect mum. It took many years before he came back into the family. Whilst we understood that he had autonomy over his decisions, she had this weird control over him.
She is the polar opposite to who she is now, she is even delightful.