I have caused so much pain to so many people and it’s too late to fix it.

[wrongstation]

I was very insecure when I was younger and overheard my husband’s parents and siblings telling him they didn’t like me and to end our relationship.
He knew I was uncomfortable with him listening to people that were trying to persuade him to leave me all the time so he stopped contact with his family.

His friends were concerned that he didn’t speak to his family anymore and kept trying to get him to talk to them, he changed his number but his friends gave his new number to his mum even though he said not to, so he stopped seeing those friends too.
They didn’t give up and were constantly calling and texting and by this time I was pregnant and still worried that he’d listen to them and just wanted us to be left alone to be happy.
Eventually we moved away and got married so we could be together without judgment but I am a lot older now as this was 17 years ago and the reality is I isolated my husband from his family and friends because they didn’t like me and I felt threatened by them talking him out of being with me.
I literally just removed them like they were obstacles in the way of my happiness.
I hate that I did this to my lovely husband and I’ve apologised but he just thanks me for getting him away from there and says how happy he is and yes we are happy now but I can’t live with myself for all the heartbreak I’ve caused his family who don’t even know our teenage kids.
I am not insecure now I’m older and a lot more confident than I was but I know there’s no going back because his family didn’t like me to begin with and especially don’t now they think I am controlling and have isolated him from his family and friends which is 100% what I did and I am even more sorry that I did that to him and he doesn’t blame me and says he did it so we could be happy, which we are.
I know there’s no going back now, and what’s done is done but I wish I could have been stronger and it could’ve been different.
He just says leave it, we’re happy and that’s all that matters but it’s eating me up.

So women can't be controlling abusers then?

I think you can and should try to reverse this. It's admirable that you have this level of self-awareness. Everyone was young once and made mistakes. Forgive yourself, but try to make it good.
It speaks volumes that you have this level of self-awareness, it could even be that you are blaming yourself too much.
His family, if they are decent people, should be aware of that, aware of their part in it, and willing to work with you to at least partly repair what was done. They will be so delighted to have him "home" that they will make effort to meet you half way. They will see that your relationship works and has stood the test of time. That's the upside and it's worth pursuing.
If they are not decent people, you are older, independent and robust enough now to handle whatever they throw at you - you have a stable relationship. So if this is the outcome, at least your conscience will be clear and you can draw a line under it.

Good luck. I've recently made up with a former best friend who I didn't speak to for 22 years - you might be surprised that it's easier that you imagine it to be.

Wellll…

@TwinklyStork
Totally agree with you on this. I also wonder what the couple’s children think of not seeing their family? I’m now quite old and I have noticed that those who estrange family, (unless in cases of abuse/ neglect etc) are showing their children how to treat family further down the line.
I also acknowledge the OP’s self awareness about this.
I’d suggest some therapy.

OP of course you sound completely reasonable, and not at all like an abuser here!

The problem is that this is how someone who is manipulative and delusional would sound in writing about herself, complete with faux guilt and a declaration that the family of origin and all friends disliked the partner because she was 'posh'-- in an online forum it is impossible to gauge the truth.

People do get taken over and brainwashed by partners, and they can come across happy with their lives and decisions, though the truth can be far more complex.

YOU didn't isolate him. He chose to cut them off.

You can tell him that you dont mind if he wants to contact them now. If he doesnt want to, then drop it. Why should he have to have contact with family who are unpleasant to him, trying to control who he is in a relationship with? Dont force it to ease your guilt. Let it be his choice and honor the decision he makes.

That is not the question I was answering. Since you asked it, of course they absolutely can. But it's certainly a truism that women are frequently expected to take responsibility for men's behaviour as well as their own. Just look at any variation on this theme on this site alone: there are likely thousands of these.

I'm going from the information OP has provided in her post. None of this shows any indication that she was abusive - unless, of course, there's a great deal of information she isn't telling us. Posters can only respond on the basis of what we are given. If there is a missing piece of the puzzle here then OP is skewing her own results and receiving valueless information, making the act of posting here an exercise in futility.

The fact that OP is even asking these questions of herself is revealing. Most abusers don't want to wear the badge - with or without pride - and will justify and defend their own actions in relation to the wrongs they've been done by others.

Either this is a 180-degree about-face in personality - a rarity but it can sometimes happen - or it's yet another variety of 'woman is always to blame' even when a man acts of his own volition.

Again - unless there are serious omissions here - then the simplest and more common explanation is usually the right one.

OP, are you me?

When I met DH 26 years ago I was (and still am!) 10 years older than him (he was 22). His family immediately decided that I was 'posh' - they actually said that - despite my growing up in a mining village and being the daughter of a single parent who often couldn't afford to feed us. Also my age was an issue, despite FiL being 12 years older than MiL.

His parents were controlling and both emotionally and physically abusive (I often saw his father hit him) so them pretending they cared about him by advising him against our relationship was ridiculous, it was just another way to control him. When we got married his mother initially refused to come to the wedding - she eventually relented but turned up with unwashed hair, dirty clothes and a scowl, despite usually being meticulous about her appearance. She told DH immediately after the ceremony that when we split up he could come home, if he'd learned his lesson.

We limped on for a few years until it became untenable. I tried everything to build bridges - invitations that were literally laughed at, attempting to include his family in things to no avail. Eventually I told DH I couldn't cope with it any more. He seemed relieved and immediately said right, we've tried and tried, that's enough now.

He too severed contact with his wider family and all his friends for similar reasons to your DH. He has never regretted it.

Over the years I tortured myself by thinking exactly the way you do, OP - if he hadn't met me, would he still have friends/family? We have no other family or friends between us so it has been difficult, particularly when DC came along - no support or, more importantly, other people in their lives. But if it hadn't have been me that was the catalyst for DH going NC, eventually something else would have been.

Ultimately he made the choice, as did your DH. You are not abusive and you have made a lovely life together. Please stop torturing yourself.

All the best OP 💐

HE made the choice. He is happy with his choice.

Many people would love to have a husband who put in boundaries with friends and family.

Don’t feel guilty to have one - embrace it!

That is so sad to read. Your dh has been conditioned by you over the years to believe that what he did was for his family. He made the decision but it was because he was forced into it. It is a red flag and it is controlling and coercive behaviour. You need therapy and to try and rebuild those bridges. You have teenage dc yourself - just imagine that you’re not 100% convinced that the partner they're with is the right one for them. You speak to them to voice your concerns and it means that you’re cut off from them forever and don’t know your grandchildren. It is just sad beyond words that one person can have such a devastating impact on a family and it is my biggest fear as a mother in the future - to lose my relationship with my dc due to a controlling partner. Your dh is telling you to drop it and everything is fine - what choice does he have? He cut off his friends and family because of you. It’s easier to convince himself it was the right thing to do rather than confront the pain.

Controlling abusers don’t have this level of insight to feel guilt.

I've never heard an abuser have regrets about their actions. Ever. Let alone feel guilty about them.

Maybe you gave him the confidence to do what he needed to do? can you reframe what happened? If they were toxic he may have needed the support to getout of that dynamic and you may have provided him that opportunity.

my story and guilt is the opposite. My partner was low contact with his mother and when I got pregnant I really tried to get him to foster a relationship with her (I hadn’t met her and didn’t realise what she was like) She’s back in his life and is the most awful human being & I feel guilty about their reforming the relationship and bringing that woman into our lives when he was fine without her.

Maybe you’ve done your partner a huge favour and he seems happy now. They were manipulative and sound quite relentless. Don’t beat yourself up. Your partner ultimately made his decision with far more knowledge than you have of their relationship.

Of course they can. It was 20 years ago. The Op has probably grown and changed a lot since that time. Controlling abusers can change - not all do but some can.

There’s a lot of bias on this thread because the OP is a woman. If a man was writing this he would be flamed for being controlling and abusive.

You may not have meant it at the time but yes what you did was controlling. You can’t change the past but you can try and rectify things.

You need to start with talking openly to your husband and apologising now that you’ve had time to reflect on your behaviour. Let him know that if he wants to get back in touch with his family that you support him.

You are a decent human being.

It sounds like you need some one to talk it through with together, like a therapist.
I think someome having such a bad relationship with their entire family that they completely cut them off forever becuase they think your girlfriend is a bit posh.. is not going to be the full story.
Your husband must have other reasons to have cut them off.
Or you were so emotionally manipulative and cruel that you deliberatley orchestrated isolating him and manipulated him into cutting them off.
There is a difference between him wanting to cut them off and you manipulating him into cutting them off.
Maybe you were his saviour and he always wanted to get away from them.
Theres a lot to unravel if you both want to do it, but sometimes its best to let sleeping dogs lie.

All his family though? And all his friends? Every single one of them was telling him to leave, and every single one of them was wrong somehow?

I’m not buying that. That sounds more like an intervention.

Absolutely this.

Your husband is happy with no contact with his parents and the rest of his family. He's happy, with you and your own family. He knows how bad his mum and dad were for you and he chose to go nc. He sounds like a great husband.

You need to have counselling so they can help you understand that you were not wrong with your actions.

Those suggesting the OP is abusive need to read her posts again.

At no point did she say 'I told him to go NC', 'I told him he had to sever ties with his friends', etc.

She said:

He knew I was uncomfortable with him listening to people that were trying to persuade him to leave me all the time so he stopped contact with his family.

His friends were concerned that he didn’t speak to his family anymore and kept trying to get him to talk to them, he changed his number but his friends gave his new number to his mum even though he said not to, so he stopped seeing those friends too.

Her DH acted on his own accord. He saw she was unhappy, and made those decisions himself. She is blaming herself for her husband's decisions, as are many posters here.

He's said that he's happy with his life

It sounds very much like his family and friends cut themselves out of his life by their behaviour. There are so many threads on here from women whose in-laws are against them and their husbands don’t want to rock the boat so they’re just stuck in an awful situation. It sounds like your husband knows his family are toxic and he chose you over them. I really wouldn’t go trying to patch things up now. I’m pretty sure you’d end up regretting letting them back into your lives. You say you’re happy together, which strongly suggests you’ve both made the right decision.

In what way was she controlling?

Her husband made the decision to go NC because his family were being hurtful and unreasonable. She did not tell him to.

Why are you holding a woman responsible for her husband's (very decent and understandable) actions?

Why, because she’s a woman?

I 100% know you would not be saying this if the OP was a man.

I’m not saying the OP is a monster be we need to stop this gender bias by automatically jumping to “a woman can do no wrong”

Theres a huge grey area between the OP being a controlling abuser and her being an innocent angel.

Yes, and I’m sure controlled women say the exact same thing when the person who’s controlling them asks the question.

Does your husband have contact with anyone outside the relationship at all, OP? Since you said you’ve cut him off from all his family and friends?