To not want to cancel?

[Barsketcase]

I’m a single Mum to 2 adult DS in their 20s who live at home.
I don’t get to go out often, no holiday this year as money is tight despite me working, and I’ve been helping out my elderly DM most days. I’m exhausted!
My friend got us tickets for an evening west end show and we’ve booked a hotel, so we can have 2 days in London for ourselves.
My DS who’s 23, was booked for a minor op this week and this has now been delayed to the date I’m in London (day 2)
I told him he’d have to get a taxi to the hospital. His Dad is not involved and everyone else will be at work but he’s really upset that I’m not going to take him when he is going for an op. He’s accused me of putting myself before him, not caring, letting him go alone when he’s nervous.
Do I cancel the trip, let my friend down and lose the money? All tickets are non refundable, as is the hotel.

For me it would depend entirely on the nature of the operation.

Ask your other child to step in. Otherwise ask your friends, parents, extended family, neighbours?

I wouldn't expect adult children, who are likely to be in full time work, or maybe have their own families, to take me and pick me up for a minor operation if I could manage it by myself.

I think you should go on the trip and enjoy it. I suspect your son is being a bit selfish. Knowing what the procedure is would be helpful though, so people can answer with the full context.
I took my DD aged 21 for a minor procedure and was happy to be there to support her, but I wouldn’t have cancelled a holiday for it.

No you shouldn't. He's being selfish. I don't think there's a nice way to say it but they're meant to be independent adults but you've been babying them?

Don't do it anymore. You should put yourself first! Your kids aren't actually going to thank you for this and aren't going to reward you either. Case in point, they're treating you as a cab service and your needs as non-existent and something that should come second.

I think you assume that if you pander to someone and become their slave they appreciate it.

They don't.

They just see you as a doormat and treat you like one, which doesn't include waiting on you right back. It often leads to disdain as they view you as pathetic.

And look here - she has babied her kids and now they don't see her needs as worth one iota of consideration. So I doubt they will be giving her lifts anywhere in the future either. More like still asking for them in their 40s and getting angry and abusive if they don't get it.

I fully expect my children to want to help me and care for me in my old age, and part of my duty as a parent is to ensure they are functional, independent adults by 18. They can live with me sure, but they won't be there as my children like they are now, because that would be failing them.

what sort of minor op is it? Will he be under anesthesia where he needs to be released to another adult after the procedure?
Im having day surgery soon and will be getting to public transport to the hospital by myself but will need someone to collect me after.

Stop excessively putting yourself out for other people.
In your situation, it's not needed.
Go on your trip.

Really depends what the op is.

Minor - not really an op but more of a procedure then fine

Minor - is an actual op where he'll be in pain after, its for something pretty grim/shit, has potential to go wrong so hes scared etc then id not hesitate to go with him. Even at 23 he'd still be my son who i sort of care about 😂

Every minor op I or DH has had would only proceed if the responsible adult who would be picking up at the end of the procedure was also there at check in. You don’t have to stay the whole time, but they have to see you. For DH’s last 2 surgeries, I checked him in, they took my cell phone number, I went and grabbed breakfast, and they called me when we was in recovery. I then had to sign the discharge papers and take him home because a person who has anesthesia can’t take responsibility for following post-op instructions.

He likely needs an adult with him after the op but any adult will do and if he can’t find one he needs to reschedule

My DS19 would be mortified if I came with him. He'd be telling me to have a great time in London.

Why shouldn’t you put yourself before him?! As a minor op in advance I assume it isn’t life threatening so he can piss off!

Enjoy your time away OP, and turn your phone off

Is he having major surgery or a small procedure surgery? Will he be staying in hospital overnight afterwards or allowed home? If it's major surgery then I'd ask if he can move the date so you can take him without missing your trip with your friend. If it's minor surgery & he'll be out pretty much straight away tell him to grow a pair & book a taxi to take him & pick him up. To soften the blow buy him some nice treats for when he gets home.

I agree with this. I would be there no matter the age. But it is a minor procedure and could be postponed.

Go with your friend. It’s too much to lose. A minor op isn’t a big deal. He’s being lazy and trying to guilt trip you.

Presumably he manages to get to work each day, so he absolutely can get himself to hospital, either in a taxi or public transport. He does not need you there prior to his operation.

Depending on the nature of the operation - what is it? Most things not requiring a night in hospital are minor I think... Does he need someone to collect him and be with him afterwards? If so, can this be your other child or a close friend? You'll presumably see him in the evening once you're home from your second day in London?

You rarely get a break. Nothing is refundable. Go and have some respite.

I recently went on a school trip and we visited a memorial graveyard for Canadian soldiers who died in France during the second world war. They were as young as 16. And today's 23-year olds don't even want to get themselves to and from a minor op in a hospital. Says it all really. Go and have fun!

The op could get cancelled again so I wouldn't give up on your plans.

Some 23 year olds live at the other end of the country and get on with their lives without lifts from their mums! He’s being ridiculous. It’s a minor op.

Exactly. At that point I was a police officer, living 800 miles away from my parents paying my own mortgage. When I needed assistance for my various medical stuff, I got a friend to be the person to pick me up after anaesthetic.

OPs son can arrange a friend, brother or another relative if he needs someone to look after him for a short period. Time his mum got a night out!!

I think it’s depends on the op and if he needs a general anaesthetic or not? Hopefully his brother will step up and take him or he can see if they will reschedule.

I also think it depends on what the op is. But also, can your other adult son not be there for him?

I think the bigger issue here is the overall situation. You don’t say in your OP as such, but it reads as though you’re supporting them financially and looking after them practically as well. You shouldn’t have to be doing this with two grown men in their 20s.

Then need to be paying their way (unless perhaps one or both are students still?) and doing their bit around the house. Then you wouldn’t feel so exhausted or skint I imagine!

It depends entirely on the procedure.

If it's minor and a in & out job, definitely go on your holiday.

However if there is some sort of aftercare involved, where he is handicapped for some time, then you should put him first.

He sounds like a big baby!
Go and enjoy your trip x