To not want to take my kids to other people’s houses?

[Unicorn1991]

I have a 2 year old and a 3 month old. We went to visit some family yesterday and the whole thing was just chaos from start to finish

Leaving the house in the first place is a nightmare (enough to make me never want to leave the house again!), then the drive over was just under an hour.

Eating dinner was stressful. Dinner times in our house are usually us eating as quickly as possible - not a leisurely meal and conversation like we would do pre kids. Toddler only sat in his chair for 5 mins then wanted to get down so then it was me trying to inhale my dinner while toddler ran around and my partner trying to soothe screaming baby. Then we swapped so he could eat. No one offered to help so felt like we were just parenting with an audience in a very toddler unfriendly house.

Obviously I don’t expect people to offer help but then I don’t think they can expect us to go over to visit them? Their house also isn’t childproof like ours is so we have to keep an eye on toddler at all times and can’t leave him for a second.

We got back feeling absolutely exhausted and wishing we’d not gone in the first place. Doesn’t feel worth it when we spend the whole time trying to stop toddler hurting himself and not actually getting to have a conversation with anyone anyway!

AIBU to not want to take them to other people’s houses? I feel like saying to people that if they want to see us then they can come to us but is that just me being really difficult? This was our first time taking both boys over to someone else’s house for a meal so is this just something that will get easier over time?

Difficult with a two year old.

I agree better to invite to yours, and then you are in your own space / can control timings etc.

People without toddlers often have unrealistic expectations of what a toddler can do.

Whose house were you visiting? Are they your family or your DH's? Are they people who will take massive offence if you decline invitations to visit them?

It sounds like a very stressful visit, particularly if there were no offers of help. Were these people sympathetic or disapproving of how you and your DH dealt with your two young children during the meal?

Not easy but one question I have is whether toddler sits in his chair and eats dinner with you? At home that is. Ours did and while eating elsewhere wasn’t always 😂 easy, they knew they had to sit for a while.

@thepariscrimefiles it was my grandparents we were visiting but my parents were also there. I think I always expect people to be helpful in these situations but then there’s just no help 😂
Tbh they just kind of carried on as if there wasn’t all this chaos happening in the background. My mom is staying at ours tonight and made a joke about changing her mind about coming over (read the room 🙄)

@Radiatorvalves he does sit in his chair and eat with us but won’t sit there for long. He’ll just eat then want to get down and play. Fine at home cause we can see him in his playroom while we’re eating in the kitchen, not fine in a house with lots of exposed brick and sharp corners 🤦🏼‍♀️

It doesn't sound like this worked for anyone, so there will probably be no opposition to you saying you're not going again. These things only really work when everyone understands what having two tiny children as part of the party will look like, and is happy to run the event around that. Sounds like your family expected a 'normal' dinner, having forgotten what it's like, and probably enjoyed what they actually got no more than you did. So yes, just say no in future.

My DGC have to sit at the table until everyone has finished eating like all their parents did. Done from day 1 so second nature.
The toddler is strapped in any way so getting down to run about wouldn’t be an option.
if there’s adults chatting afterwards then he can get down and play of course - in their house in the front room or wherever as childproof, at mine with us in the lounge/diner with a few toys on the floor, or Bluey on quietly on the telly.
if he wanders off and requires and adult to follow him about DD plonks him in the travel cot with his toys which she uses as a playpen and takes everywhere she goes for this reason.

That is exactly what it felt like, they expected a normal dinner and that unfortunately isn’t possible at the moment!

Thank you all for your responses, that’s the reassurance that I needed!!

@Mondaytuesdayhappydays how old is this grandchild? My two year old would be so dangerous strapped into something trying to climb out, it would cause the chair to tip I’m sure ditto with putting in a playpen, it would cause screaming and climbing over the top. A baby that can’t climb maybe it works but not a two year old!
@Unicorn1991 You are right if the other adults aren’t helping out with the little ones don’t go out of your way to visit and have a stressful experience. Invite people over at convenient times where you have your own things.

I think it’s very easy to say ‘oh well we have always all sat at the table no problem’ when for many toddlers, no they don’t find this easy / you can’t communicate to them why they are being restrained / and everyone then has to sit through high drama to force them to sit at the table.

At a family dinner at home for 15 minutes is also a different thing to two hours at a group lunch.

I have a just-three year old and they can now sit at the table for a long period, play with a couple of toys etc. We can communicate with them (ie they understand) what is happening, and what will happen next. Six months ago, they did not have the understanding to do so - they could not make the link, their brain was not developed enough to ‘get it’ - and like OPs child they’d be struggling to escape, annoyed, wanting to run around.

So - less judging please.

If your toddler doesn’t (have to) sit at the table for long at home, they weren’t going to do it at someone else’s house.

I made my kids sit at the table from day one so they were used to it, my sister never did, so hers wouldn’t. That’s fine but I wouldn’t be running around helping. If it wasn’t something I thought my family could do, I’d just not go.

I think it does get easier over time as you are better prepared and the children start to get used to how different places have different behaviour expectations. It’s also normal to find other places aren’t safe for unsupervised young children to play in although usually their help gardens are better (weather dependent though).

It does make visiting places more of a chore but that’s also just the reality of having young children.

I would have also preferred people to have carried on as they were because often their help really isn’t helpful at all and tends to make things worse.

Yeh I used to swerve these kind of outings when I had a toddler and then with toddler and baby. Family whose homes were not child friendly or who didn’t help at all I would just not go very often as it was just too hard and unenjoyable and I’d often be on my own as my husband worked most weekends.

Ive still got some relatives who are an hour away and who never offer any food when we are there, or any lunch etc, and who get very sniffy when the kids are lively/ playing with toys.
As It’s such a long round trip it’s just not worth our while going with two kids who are always ravenous so we just don’t go much now. They moan about it but a two hour round trip with young kids for an hour visit just isn’t worth it in my mind.

Yes, going into a huff will definitely help.

Talk to the adults, for goodness sake. I know a lot of parents these days are very prickly (my baby, my rules) so the adults may be scared of offering help. Talk to them - they may offer advice or, at least, outrageous stories of their equally boisterous DC when young.

Remember: this, too, shall pass.

The toddler needs to develop the ability to sit through a meal. Modeling a quick inhaling of a meal is not ideal.

Why do people make toddlers sit at the table while other people finish dinner? What is the reasoning? Why not let them go off and play, if the house is safe and set up for them?

i have 4 children and they never sat at the table at that age. The youngest is 7 now and well able to sit for a family meal.

Some toddlers might be happy to sit for a meal but many get bored and have energy to use up.

DH works from home, so we have every lunch and dinner sat at the table with our 18 month old in a highchair.

Even having it as a priority for what we want to teach our child, we can still get max 10-15 mins before DD wants to get down. Yes, we try to extend. Yes, we involve her in conversation (as much as can be done). Yes, she uses cutlery to slow down her eating. But at the end of the day there is a limit how long some children will be strapped into a highchair before creating merry hell.

I think it is easy to forget what it's like when they're so young. I remember visiting family whilst DH was working abroad when I had a tiny baby. Still waking every couple of hours. No one offered to hold baby whilst I ate, the entire week-long trip. It was a week of half eaten, gone cold meals. Then, final night my sister also visited. The FIRST thing she did was ask if I wanted a break and to eat with both hands. She got up from the table with baby when she cried and let me finish an entire hot meal. I could have kissed her! But her child was only a few years older so she remembered and she understood. My parents, despite being "all about the grandkids", just didn't get it.

@No5ChalksRoad my parents have told me that they did exactly the same with us when we were that age and we obviously learnt to sit at the table at some point!
I’m not going to force him to sit strapped into his chair if he wants to play, otherwise he’ll just scream and try to get out himself. He’s going through a picky eating stage so if he’s sat and eaten some dinner then I’ll take that as a win

These visits can be challenging - my OH's Grandma had lots of little china ornaments at toddler height! We just sucked it up and went knowing it would not be a restful day! But we did not do it too often!

I agree with you. I think when youre at this stage of parenting, its really stressful to try and act like youve got everything and everyone organised and that your tiny children are both obedient and flexible and calm, despite being somewhere completely different and with different expectations.

Obviously some people are able to pull this off successfully and thats great for them, but it was never like that for me. I think its mean that your family just watched you struggle with them and then your mum made her funny comment. Its passive aggressive. You were set up to fail a bit, and now you feel unsupported and embarrassed.

You are likely doing a lot better than you think. You dont have to take them out places for meals. I think just tell people that youre trying to keep them in a routine and its no fun for anyone to go out for meals until theyre older.

It’s such a shame none of your family members offered to help and just ignored the chaos- that’s rubbish. Now you’ve tried it out and now how the land lies, it might get easier as time goes on OR you’ll just realise it’s not worth the effort, and in future can invite them to yours.

One thing I will say though is, you can expect/hope for a bit of help, but you can’t expect people to toddler proof their house for you. A friend came to mine last Christmas with her three year old. Just popped round on a whim. I have a lot of candles/decorations/ornaments at toddler level. And my friend was huffing and puffing a bit as she constantly had to move my things out of her sons reach, stop him grabbing at the baubles on my tree etc. She didn’t put any of it back afterwards, and left my living room in chaos. I did find this really irritating!

I really don't think you can expect people to 'child proof' their own house when they don;'t have any kids themselves. I would be very annoyed if anyone suggested I should put things away or cover them up because some kid 'might' hurt itself.

@Mischance I think that will be how we have to do it, not go over very often!

I just feel guilty saying no when family say they want to see the boys and want us to bring them over. I think I had more of an excuse in the newborn baby phase but now we’re coming out of it I do feel like I should be taking them over

@PistachioTiramisu obviously I don’t expect anyone to childproof their house for us. I was just saying it was difficult watching our toddler there!

Reminds me of visiting my uncle and his wife with our 3yo and baby - the wife loves to entertain/show off her cooking and insisted on putting on a 3 course spread for every meal, dinner was planned for our 3yo's normal bedtime so it was absolute chaos and my DH and I had to eat in shifts between managing the kids. She has grandkids so I was expecting a bit more awareness, but they must be perfect angels who sit quietly for hours on end, or they're old enough that she's forgotten what 3yo are like. The uncle has since passed so we won't be visiting again! Anyone saying to make the kids stay at the table - I've found since our eldest turned 4 this is a lot more doable because we can explain the reasons and include him properly in conversation, but at 2-3 it wasn't possible for him and the younger one just screamed if he was strapped into anything for more than a few minutes. Now (5 and 2.5) they do both stay at the table till everyone's finished, so letting them get up as toddlers doesn't mean they won't be able to do it later.

@Branleuse thank you for your comments - I needed to hear that today 🥹