To not want to take my kids to other people’s houses?

[Unicorn1991]

I have a 2 year old and a 3 month old. We went to visit some family yesterday and the whole thing was just chaos from start to finish

Leaving the house in the first place is a nightmare (enough to make me never want to leave the house again!), then the drive over was just under an hour.

Eating dinner was stressful. Dinner times in our house are usually us eating as quickly as possible - not a leisurely meal and conversation like we would do pre kids. Toddler only sat in his chair for 5 mins then wanted to get down so then it was me trying to inhale my dinner while toddler ran around and my partner trying to soothe screaming baby. Then we swapped so he could eat. No one offered to help so felt like we were just parenting with an audience in a very toddler unfriendly house.

Obviously I don’t expect people to offer help but then I don’t think they can expect us to go over to visit them? Their house also isn’t childproof like ours is so we have to keep an eye on toddler at all times and can’t leave him for a second.

We got back feeling absolutely exhausted and wishing we’d not gone in the first place. Doesn’t feel worth it when we spend the whole time trying to stop toddler hurting himself and not actually getting to have a conversation with anyone anyway!

AIBU to not want to take them to other people’s houses? I feel like saying to people that if they want to see us then they can come to us but is that just me being really difficult? This was our first time taking both boys over to someone else’s house for a meal so is this just something that will get easier over time?

It’s much easier to go to the houses of other people with toddlers or babies.

their houses are usually childproofed and they have current experience of toddlers.

my pils was a nightmare for many years. So many bloody ornaments and so many dangerous areas!

I felt like this when going to a family members house when my child was little. It was not child friendly and it stressed me out. I put my foot down when I saw my niece playing with medication that nearly went in her mouth. They forgot they left the tablets out, and the scissors, and every other dangers item that shouldn’t be around small children. I know it is their house and no children lived there, but for the love of god put away harmful items if you know young children are visiting.

I feel by the time some get to the grandparent stage it’s been SO long since they had babies about that they are bewildered by the fact that the parents are letting the kids rule the roost as they see it - ie choosing to breastfeed weeping 6 week old rather than just leaving them to cry while we sit through “relaxing” Sunday lunch. I swear I saw the confusion in my mum’s eyes and the unspoken “I would never have let my child…” when I fed my little one carefully mashed up veggies on a spoon rather than just handing her a leg of lamb and letting her gnaw or whatever. I think the memories of parenting small children just smoosh together and they remember how they told a 5 year old to sit down nicely at the table (and they did) and they think you can get the same result with the average 2 year old. No one’s fault.

I think next time either have everyone to yours/a pub near you, and/or hand out jobs to the grown ups. Little Jimmy has got his sticker book, dad he really wants you to help him with it. Gran you’ve got lots of experience with babies - could you show us how it’s done. Mum if you’ve finished eating would you mind following little Jimmy to the garden so I can finish mine?

When my DDs were that age I refused to eat with them at all for a while it was too stressful. Yanbu. I wouldn’t have taken my DDs anywhere there weren’t other children either.

I have four children.
Two of them would have sat in their chair, and the other two definitely wouldn't.
One in particular was a nightmare to take out.

Children are all different.

I agree with you OP.
Taking children to someone else's house is usually a nightmare.

Sounds completely normal to me with children of that age!

It is chaotic but it is also so important to get children used to being in these kinds of situations.

Personally I could never have allowed the chaos to stop us from seeing family.

My children are now young adults, eldest son visits his grandmother now by himself, initiates it and arranges it by himself with her and drives himself to her house. Knows how to have an interesting and adult conversation with her. This is the result of us visiting them a lot when he was young, him forming a relationship with her and learning how to behave around the table and how adults interact.

The chaos does lesson as they get older!

Just to add, something on the table to engage them might help. A pop up book or a small toy, something that you know will engross them?

If they're really wriggling around then of course one of you has to get up from the table to entertain and distract them. The most important thing is not to stop doing it as children learn from watching what's going on around them and the art of dinner and conversation is a really important thing to learn as it brings a lor of pleasure and interest later on in life. And teaches good table manners etc.. - so important to learn.

Get your family to come and visit you, a lot easier for your DC.

It sounds a perfectly reasonable decision, but parenting seems so isolating these days. Children need to be able to exist among others. It's good for them and their parents to not be cooped up inside hiding from company.

I see this was a few days ago but just wanted to add that I have a similar gap between my 2 and taking them anywhere that wasn't child ready was horrendous and I heavily limited it for a few years, they are older now and we can go most places again.
We would do coffee instead of meals with my Nan or take her to my parents for a meal as my parents made sure their house was child proofed from the first grandchild because they love hosting everyone and wanted it to be safe and less stressful.
I think it's a bit rubbish your family didnt help. If you do try this again could you set expectations before like if this happens can we do this. I had to take a playpen I got off marketplace to my in-laws as it wasn't child safe at all there and we were expected to stay every other weekend (2 hour drive) which was a nightmare when I went along with it. I used to give my kids little toys in the highchair to sit longer but that was hit or miss. Just do what works for you.

That's nice

Yanbu

Total waste of time and effort

Fully agree, at that age better that people come to your house. It’s just too hard otherwise and people forget just how difficult it is, and how childproof a house needs to be.

Yes, nothing worse than people outstaying their welcome! I try to invent reasons s ahead of time but once day is agreed “my mother will be coming around at x (cough, shuffle) that will give us long enough won’t it?” !!

It's a phase, it won't last long, invite them to yours every 6 months or so for the next 3 years, then it will be fine again.