To not want to take my kids to other people’s houses?

[Unicorn1991]

I have a 2 year old and a 3 month old. We went to visit some family yesterday and the whole thing was just chaos from start to finish

Leaving the house in the first place is a nightmare (enough to make me never want to leave the house again!), then the drive over was just under an hour.

Eating dinner was stressful. Dinner times in our house are usually us eating as quickly as possible - not a leisurely meal and conversation like we would do pre kids. Toddler only sat in his chair for 5 mins then wanted to get down so then it was me trying to inhale my dinner while toddler ran around and my partner trying to soothe screaming baby. Then we swapped so he could eat. No one offered to help so felt like we were just parenting with an audience in a very toddler unfriendly house.

Obviously I don’t expect people to offer help but then I don’t think they can expect us to go over to visit them? Their house also isn’t childproof like ours is so we have to keep an eye on toddler at all times and can’t leave him for a second.

We got back feeling absolutely exhausted and wishing we’d not gone in the first place. Doesn’t feel worth it when we spend the whole time trying to stop toddler hurting himself and not actually getting to have a conversation with anyone anyway!

AIBU to not want to take them to other people’s houses? I feel like saying to people that if they want to see us then they can come to us but is that just me being really difficult? This was our first time taking both boys over to someone else’s house for a meal so is this just something that will get easier over time?

One of my pet peeves is when people say things like, "Oh, when we were children we all had to sit at the table" or whatever, and I'm thinking, "well, if you remember it, you weren't 2 and stuck in a high chair, were you?!" One of my very clear memories as a child was the point at which my brother and I were allowed to join my parents for evening out meals.... before that, we weren't as we were considered too young and unlikely to manage!

I think it's unrealistic to get a 2 year old to sit happily in a high chair for too long and it's not unreasonable for you to want ot resist too many of these sorts of events. Having said that, I htink there are a few times a year when, for whatever reason, you sort of suck it up for the benefit of overall family harmony.

One thing that can hlep is justto plan to feed the toddler in your own time and bring food then during the main meal, have him set up on the floor with some toys or whatever or frankly, even a screen. Of course, that doens't work if the house isn't baby proofed and you're having to be on edge!

We used a clip on (to the table) high chair as soon as possible and found that really helped. Of course entertainment was still required but adults around the table helped with that. Eventually they’d want to get down and again, various adults would help. If you don’t have help and you’ve also got a baby, I can see how this would be stressful. I don’t think people appreciate how child unfriendly their homes are, but if your family helped more, this could be a good time for your toddler to learn “no”, or how to be gentle. You could have a chat with your family about a better strategy.

I think elderly relatives and anyone who doesn’t have young kids just doesn’t “get” it. We only visit other families with young kids and our own parents, who we had to train in toddler/baby management as they had completely forgotten. Now all mealtimes are planned around the kids’ eating and nap times. I don’t expect my parents to miss their own meal to hold the baby but I sit with the baby watching others eat and then once they’re done I hand the baby over (don’t wait for an invitation) so I can eat. I also take lots of equipment with us so baby can be “trapped” as necessary! (High chair, bouncer, playpen etc)

Depends on the expectations of the hosts really. If they are chilled people who get how stressful it is having toddlers it shouldn’t be too awful.

Going somewhere with people who you don’t know, who don’t have kids or who are uptight is a complete nightmare and best avoided.

I guess the thing is at some point kids do need to learn how to behave in situations like this: you don’t want to let it become a thing you can’t do. They are a bit young now but it’s good to have some friends who they can “practice” with.

Tough one! In terms of people not helping you during the chaos, I think it's fair enough to expect close family to help so YANBU there. It might be best to hold off on visits to houses where you know your toddler is going to be bored until they're a little bit older. Sympathetic family/friends will get it. You could always organise a walk in the park instead, or something else where you know your toddler can blow off some steam safely and won't have to sit for too long.

I'm expecting my first so currently don't have a particularly toddler-proofed house. When some friends come over with their small kids it can be a little bit nerve-racking at times and I always try to move obvious trip hazards/dangerous stuff. It's impossible to completely proof things though - one friend's 3 year old face planted our wooden floors tripping over his own feet. He was fine! He's particularly lively though, I would be mildly anxious about him coming over again. You might find some friends are a bit relieved you don't want to bring your toddler over until they're a bit older.

I do expect friends to bring toys/books/snacks and other things to keep their kids entertained, which the prepared/smart ones do! I'm sure you already do this. The ones who don't bring things end up with a bored baby/toddler and that can cause problems. Because I'm prepping for my own arrival I do have some baby books and very young toys now which I've got out in an emergency, and me and my DP are always happy to help entertain a bored baby or toddler because we love our friends' kids. We are a bit reluctant to step in too much though in case we offend someone, we expect the parents to take the lead and set the tone for what's appropriate. Your friends might be thinking something similar.

Trouble with them coming to yours is they dont always know when it’s time to go home!

A high chair buckled up - Like children of that age have been for ever ?
And playpens also to keep them safe and in one place and focussed on a few toys learning to entertain themselves rather than wreak havoc being ‘into everything’
My Spanish family also would be horrified by your suggestion of not using a play pen by the side of the table up till 3 ish as it’s sooo important that children eat and sit with the family and remain present and supervised with cooing relatives but in no way impacting in adults needing to be on their feet chasing about rather than sitting talking and being the grown ups.

please don’t say you let the kids get down from the table in restaurants ( that are not specifically kid oriented like the playbarn ones and bother everyone else !!!)
Don’t you use a high chair then specifically to keep them in ?
x

Yeh but every child is a bit different. I have 2, one would do what you said, the other not. Different characters. Of course I could make the one that is not as you describe so that, if I wanted to be cruel and you fancied a dinner if screams

they want to see the boys, at their convenience, at their house, being quiet and calm, and not have to help you with them while they have a lovely meal.
Your kids arent ornaments or entertainment. You made a big effort there, and they made none at all.

If they say they miss them and want to see them, then they could always start cultivating a good old fashioned extended family network thing where the village raises the child. Otherwise they can enjoy videos or photographs

Totally agree.
We had a portable booster seat which had straps - kiddo learned quickly that if he behaved well, the straps weren't necessary as they were just for babies.

You refer to your grandparents and parents as people a lot .

What an odd comment. I was asking the question about going to other relatives / friends houses in general, hence using the word people.

I don’t think most children aged 1.5 - 2.5 would be able to sit calmly buckled into a high chair for a couple of hours, no.

I think it’s great to involve them, have them sitting and eating and learning to be at the table - but also to be realistic about their developmental stage and ability to sit and focus. That means that yes, after a while they can be let down to go and play and enjoy themselves, while the adults talk to each other.

I haven’t made any comments about play pens. At some ages, children can sit nearby and play with their toys - at other stages, no they’ll probably be more interested in wandering around looking at things. Children do different things at different stages.

We have had periods where mine wouldn’t have been able to manage much in terms of sitting at the table, in a restaurant I’d deal with this by avoiding restaurants for a while (we had a period where they just wanted to run off, so a restaurant meal just wouldn’t work) - or (and you’ll really hate this), I’d let them watch cartoons on my phone at ‘complete meltdown’ point.

My now three year old is very good at sitting at the table, able to focus better on playing with toys there, never asks for screens, people comment often how fantastically behaved they are. Why? Because they’re able cognitively now to understand what they’re being asked to do and why - not because of my amazing parenting abilities.

I think extrapolating 'one visit to one set of relatives' to all 'other relatives / friends houses in general' is an odd comment.

Not odd at all , you refer to people even when you were discussing your time with them , obviously they were the people . That’s odd .

@Tourmalines / @senua I’m so confused why you’re commenting on my choice of wording!
I was simply asking a question about taking young children out to someone else’s house, and using the specific occasion of yesterday as an example.

The problem with avoiding it is that your kids miss the opportunity to learn - in a friendly environment- that there are different expectations of behaviour when you’re out from those at home. And the earlier your kids learn that, the easier it is to go “out out” and the more things you’ll be able to do as a family. I remember friends of mine with 5/6/7 year olds saying “oh, we can’t do x as Lucy won’t sit in a cafe/coffee shop…..” or whatever, and thinking how limiting that must be. It is a bit painful, I agree - but with family, surely you can ask for help/suggest that there’s a bit of entertainment for the children?

It’s weird that family didn’t help.. honestly I’d just not bother until the kids were older, I didn’t take mine to eat out either. Cut a big pile of stress out

Your parents and grandparents should have helped with your toddler – it's poor hosting not to and pretty unkind.

I think you have a managing expectations problem.

They are expecting to see cute baby and funny toddler who might have a cuddle or get up to some funny antics and they can enjoy their company for a little while.

You are expecting them to understand how your kids work and what their capabilities are and have a hands on approach to dealing with them.

They are expecting that you’ll be doing the parenting as we all do.

You are expecting that going there means you don’t have to do as much parenting as you’ll have some hands on help from extended family.

They are expecting your children to sit at the table and eat a meal.

You are expecting that your children will want to run around or be entertained continually.

None of these expectations are necessarily unreasonable. They just don’t match.

For my own family I would absolutely have an expectation that children would join us at the table for dinner and be able to sit through some adult chat and some child focused chat and interaction. That’s for my kids and for my grandkids too if I get any. And at any age. For my own personal expectation, a meal is a child friendly family event that is a centrepiece of family life. Babies are at the table with us, toddlers are at the table with us. The baby would be in the carrier at three months, the at six months they’d be in the high chair eating by themselves. Both keep the adults hands free so we can all eat together. By 2 weren’t using high chairs so naturally I wasn’t expecting them to be still all the time. But I spend a lot of time money and effort making dinner and dinner is an important and social time that can easily take 30-60 minutes on a normal day and longer on special days.

But as you can see by the amount of times I’ve said expectations- it’s about a mismatch of these. Nobody is wrong.

By the time your baby is six months and sitting in a high chair eating by themselves and your toddler is a little older, out of the high chair, sitting and eating by themselves the dynamic will change and you’ll all have hands and a bit of breathing room, it’s short lived.

using the specific occasion of yesterday as an example.
That's my point. Why are you extrapolating from one example? It's all a bit overwrought and PFB.

DC1 is going through the terrible-twos.
DC1 has got a new sibling, that they are adjusting to.
You didn't ask for help.
It's no wonder that this one visit went a bit wrong.

Take a deep breath and remember that tomorrow is another day.

I think you get to learn a lot about people when they watch others struggle. If literally no one there except your husband helped, or no one who had already finished eating offered to walk round with the baby or play cars (or whatever) with the older one so you could at least get a meal in then that’s a poor.

I know this is passive aggressive but I didn't hold a conversation with my parents when I brought 2 toddlers to visit them.

There was no help given. My parents wanted to see the toddlers and the house was no child proof.

I would start to answer a question,then deal with toddler. My parents would wait for an answer. Then I would tell them I forgot the question.

I made it really obvious that I could not hold a conversation and mind toddlers. The same with food. I left my food and said that dh and I take it in turns to eat at home. We did this when dc were toddlers.

This all got the message across and I visited a bit less often. No help was offered, mind.

I feel your pain OP. I had 3 under 3 and we rarely went anywhere for meals etc. Just too much aggravation. Toddlers cant be expected to sit quietly at a table with a load of boring grown ups. They want to do their own thing 😆

Completely agree, there’s no reasoning with a toddler 😂