For admonishing DM - diabetes and having cake as a meal

[StationHouse89]

DM has been diabetic for last few years. Terrible diet. Very little exercise. On metformin. Doing things together over the weekend her meals would often consist of a massive piece of cake, hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows etc etc. I got frustrated with it and pointed out how terrible for her condition this is - to me it seems pointless to me to be taking medication then doing this to yourself. She seems quite put out. AIBU?

Oh it’s so hard - you know this ends up in hospital with amputations and death but she won’t change her habits and there is nothing you can do

unless you get some disgusting photos to show her perhaps ?

these choices of hers will hurt her, will hurt you more and currently cost the NHS huge amounts of MY tax money

OP, your concern may be coming from a good place, but it's not your job to police another person's lifestyle. Your mother is allowed to make her own choices, including the ones that are/may be bad for her health.
For example, plenty of healthcare professionals smoke - they know the impact and consequences, but they make that decision. It's nobody else's business (and I say this as a non-smoker, but I believe that we are all entitled to freedom of choice).

Well the freedom of choice is interesting

we are not free to kill others for example

we are not free to do many things that harm others and this harms others

so freedom to chose needs to be balanced with understanding at the very least that others should be free to express their disgust and disapproval and disappointment

I have pretty much reversed what they called Type 2 within 6 weeks of receiving initial blood test results. It is simple and easy to do. My FBG was 5.3 mmols/L this morning - normal range, down from over 11 at the beginning of September. I am having a repeat blood test later this week which I am confident will show a significant reduction in blood glucose. More people should just get on and commit for 6-8 weeks to get themselves into remission.

1. Amputations and death are not an inevitable outcome.

2. Trying to scare someone into compliance with disgusting photos is despicable behaviour. It would destroy your relationship, and - to use a couple of cliches- is likely to have the effect of making the other person dig in their heels and stick their head in the sand. They would probably become more obstinant about continuing their lifestyle without change and refuse to find out more by trying to ignore the existence of something that is fear-inducing.

3. Given your advice, just curious about your own behaviour with friends and colleagues when they engage in activities you deem potentially likely to cost YOU tax money.
   Do you have a nice stock of pictures of lung cancer for the smokers in your life?
   Do you have a nice stock of details about HIV and syphilis for when someone you know starts a new relationship?
   Pictures of horrendous birth defects for when a colleague gets pregnant?
   Pictures of complex traumatic injuries for those you know who are about to set off on a skiing holiday?
   Pictures of cirrhosis of the liver for drinkers?
   Pictures of horrendous car crash victims for those you know who drive?

Or is it just this one disease, for you, where the sick person should be shamed and bullied?

I spent years trying to help my mum improve her diet. I even spoke to the GP about it at one of her regular check ups, he said that it's commendable to try, but you can lead a horse to water...........
She knows what she should be doing, but it's pointless stressing yourself out, as it will probably make no difference.

Sounds like my late MIL, who died from uncontrolled diabetes. Hugely overweight and addicted to sugar and "treats". She was going blind, was doubly incontinent, her legs covered in weeping sores. All reversible and controllable. Bags of sweets all over the house, fridge full of sweetened yoghurts and desserts. She knew all the advice, got all the help and offers of help, but nothing got through to her. We gave up trying to help her eventually, worn down by all her bullshit.
What was awful was that we knew 3 people who had completely reversed their type 2 diabetes and had come off metformin, simply by losing weight and eating a lowish carb diet.
If you can get through to her, please try.

My DH is diabetic and honestly, I just leave him to it. He's a grown adult. He doesn't need to be nagged into eating a healthy diet.

It IS worrying and I totally get where you're coming from but you can't and won't change her. She needs to do it for herself.

Not for type 2, can't even get test strips

The only thing you can control is how you manage your fear and anxiety about her dying.....the best thing you can do is to get talking therapy to process all these emotions.

It was simple and easy for you to do. That does not mean that your experience is the universal experience. I was diagnosed over a year ago, have been incredibly compliant, have cut all carbs barring what’s in non-starchy veg, have lost over 6 stone to get into the healthy BMI zone and still need medication to remain within the normal blood sugar range.

It’s fantastic that you were able to easily go into remission, but not-everyone will be able to do that.

Oh I think I touched someone’s nerves.

Well done you! Are you on metformin?

It's really mentally hard to stick to a diabetic diet. It may be worth getting them a blood monitor, you rarely get them from the NHS for type 2. I have one because a recent serious illness stops me from taking most diabetic mefd and the one i can take isn't very effective.

I was like this at first but fifteen years later i was on two different medications. Don't be quite so cocky.

You're very early into your diabetes journey to be so cocky.

Ha, cross-post with @CharlotteCChapel.

How old is mum?
if she is in 50/60s you may have a point but telling someone else what to eat never ever works. She’s not an idiot. She will know the impact- Gp would have discussed that when diagnosed. . She just doesnt want to think about it. it will take a bit of a burning platform for her to make the change herself.

if she’s in her mid 70s onwards, you can express concern it will shorten her life, but it is her choice. Far too much emphasis is placed on long life. It is about quality of life. I’m older and frankly I’d rather die younger enjoying things that aren’t always good for your heath , than live a longer life of restriction and self depravation. My dad lived to 87 and developed Lewy body dementia in last 3 years. Bugger that. I’d rather die of heart attack or stroke or cancer at younger age than live that . It was bloody awful and he was aware of something going on, simply grotesque.

many younger people live lives putting demands on nhs that could be avoided. Life styles thst are apparently healthy. Blaming people and guilt tripping for being a burden on the nhs, as a way of emotionally blackmailing them to alter their choices is particularly obscene. Whatever they are doing. Do we berate people doing horse riding for doing a dangerous sport that can lead to catastrophic injuries if it goes wrong? Or rugby players, or divers… nope. Not usually.

we all have choices. It’s fine to say you would like her to make choices to help her health as you love her and don’t want to see her being disabled or dying earlier. Ask her how you can support her. But stop telling her . Her body, her choice. Your body your choice.

Having babies is good for society. People not taking care of their health isn’t. You do know that don’t you?

People doing sport are looking out for their health. Ask a GP whether it’s better for the NHS to treat the occasional concussion from rugby or type 2 diabetes?

My mother died of complications indirectly related to her Type 2 diabetes.

I used to get cross with her about how she ate at times.

I look back at how cross I used to get with her about food and it makes me so angry.... with myself.

The day she died, I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes.

Two weeks after I was diagnosed, having not been able to attend her funeral as I was not allowed to travel, I had a poncy doctor tell me that I needed to "try harder" to get my sugar levels under control because I was at risk of harming my baby. Thank GOD, the diabetes midwife jumped in to the conversation to remind him that my mother had just died, I'd had just two weeks to get on top of this, and it wasn't exactly an easy time. He still didn't care. Apparently, I just had to try a bit harder.

Many people who are diabetic, particularly older people, do not really understand the way they have to eat.

This is exacerbated HUGELY by well meaning but shit advice and commentary from friends and family (including, prior to me having GD myself, me). MIL is also diabetic. SIL is always banging on and on and on about her diet. But SIL doesn't have a clue and will melt down if, for example, MIL eats steak because SIL believe sred meat is intrinsically unhealthy and can't understand that while it may or may not have an impact on her heart health, it's 100% irrelevant to her diabetes.

Also, what so many well meaning but ignorant friends and relatives don't see, is how much effort the diabetic is already putting in. This is something that my dad would point out to us sometimes - we'd be ranting about her cake but he would tell us to stop. But then, he was, on a day to day basis, living with her and watching her make mostly good choices day in and day out.

Like a PP, I also learnt it was a lot more complex than saying, "no cake". In my case, for example, I discovered that tomato in any form would spike my blood sugar. A single slice of pizza? Bad. Tomato soup? Bad. Tomato salad? Bad. Spaghetti bolognaise even with almost no spaghetti... bad. I had to learn that. And it was hard for me. for my DM and my MIL who have had an entire lifetime of understanding what is and is not okay, it's harder.

Also, let's not forget that insulin resistance etc, causes a lot of other difficulties in terms of understanding your own cravings/hunger/feeling of fullness. This is because of the diabetes, and is yet another challenge. As someone pointed out, that's why the GL-1 drugs were invented in the first place.

Well if you make a habit of doing this don’t be surprised if all your friends and acquaintances choose to cut you out of their lives for your rudeness.

most other people have the emotional intelligence to realise berating people doesn’t change anything but make that person feel bullied, unhappy and hopeless in being able to solve anything. And usually means they feel even more discouraged to do anything at all to change

no one ever lost weight and kept it off (harder than loosing it) becuase someone told them to do it. It comes form them reaching a mind set change. All by themselves. Same as any addiction.

but hey ho, you keep telling yourself you’ve got to be cruel and unkind to people for their own good or as your right to “express” yourself.

I guess that means any one who gets cancer related to smoking should not get NHS help? skin cancer - definitely not. Anyone who is overweight - that's it, off they go? Car accidents? If it's the driver's fault - no emergency services for them.

What about someone who has high blood pressure but doesn't give up their stressful job?

or perhaps someone who suffers from a long term acute condition but forgets to take their medication?

don't get me wrong, I get it. we should all be making an effort to manage our own health and our own health risks, but this dismissive attitude to certain diseases or behaviours with the implication that people should just try harder really misses the reality of the human condition for many many people and makes me very very cross.

And you do know about probability and normal distribution curves of probability. Don’t you?
You do know about health risk vs benefit seen at population (epidemiological) levels vs individual level..don’t you?

How exactly?