To think parenting gets more lonely the older the kids get?

[Thegrassroots26]

To preface this, I am divorced and not in a couple, so I have no adult company at home, but do you think it’s fair to say that unless you have lots of friends/family around that parenting actually becomes lonelier the older your kids get? Mine are now teens and I feel more isolated now than when they were young. When young you had the children’s centres, groups, the park, then the school gates etc.

Maybe it’s my own fault for not being sociable enough, but did others find this too?

Maybe when they fly the nest I’ll get a second wind and be able to live a bit more for myself?

I am loving reading the sharing encouraging posts on this thread. I have two boys, 15&17 and luckily have a husband around and now work part time but I am still struggling a lot with the change from when they were little and needed me around a lot to now where I barely see them except when they need a lift! I am and trying to get more into hobbies etc and take the opportunity for days out etc but I am still needed to take them too and from activities etc and find I don't really push enough for doing things for me. This has given me another push to start trying to put myself and my needs slightly higher on the agenda so thank you!

Leave them at home join a book club choir take a course etc .

I can't really relate to this, I don't have a (live in) partner as I'm divorced, but don't really feel like I've ever relied on my kids to meet my social needs. Yes I've met friends through them at various stages but then a few of those have turned into independent friendships that stick.
Overall I've found parenting has been a barrier to me socialising and meeting up with actual friends so am loving that I have more chance to do that now.

This is the time when you get a dog, so that when you get home there is someone pleased to see you! 😂

I'm not lonely. I don't have kids so I can go out with friends and do all sorts of activities. That's why I'm surprised that kids coming into their teens isn't giving OP more freedom to be less lonely. I'm definitely seeing some of my friends getting their lives back now.

And when the kids finally leave the nest you still won't be able to go out for long periods or go away for the weekend...

Just returning to this as I misunderstood you but I think it’s due to your thread title. You ask if paretning gets lonelier but what you really mean is your life has got lonelier. I think that’s why you have said people with partners won’t understand. I didn’t want to raise it but I hate misunderstanding and being misunderstood do just wanted to clear up where the confusion was for me.

Yeah fair point.

Now is the time to think of what you want out of your life separately to being a mother.
when dd3 was in late school years I made a conscious effort to join a couple of hobbies in the local area and reconnect with friends as adults not just parents.
volunteering is great for meeting new friends and learning new skills.
it’s really helped me to build my own life now I have no dc at home.
i have things to talk about to them too that interests me.

I actually do think parenting gets lonely. As PP said, when they're babies/toddlers and in primary it's easy to chat to other parents and share experiences/advice.

My youngest has just started secondary and the contrast is sharp! I haven't been to the school gates for over a year but would chat to other mums when dropping off for playdates. We would have a little moan about various things/swop advice/tell each other about things they enjoyed at the weekend etc (as well as chatting about our own lives, not just the DC).

Now I know no one in DS1s year (we have just moved here) and only 1 mum in DS2s year.

The transition from primary school to secondary is an adjustment for parents. In many ways I loathed the primary school parent cliques....my dds class had some truly awful parents...I was happy in some ways to not see those people again. But when your DC are at primary you do very much feel like you're a part of a community. Its quite a jolt to suddenly not be part of it anymore

That’s exactly why maintaining friendships is so important. I was a lone parent too but I made sure I had a social life by myself, and made efforts to keep in touch with all my friends. When they became teenagers I got the chance to spend more time doing what I wanted.

Ive noticed a drifting away from the casual acquaintances I had in the primary years. People I’d chat to often and enjoy but we didn’t become proper firm friends so as circumstances have changed we’re not seeing each other as much. Also some actual good friends are moving away just due to life moving on.
lve joined a weekly yoga class near enough to hime im happy to leave ds alone while I go. I must do something else too though, I used to have a weekly running group that ended and I only see those I stayed in touch with once every few months as all busy with life stuff. I miss seeing them every week.

I think parenting changes as DC get older.

I have struggled with my teens not needing me so much (unless it is for money or a lift). I have found it difficult as I felt as if I had lost my purpose. I have drifted from some friends (we were only really friends because of the kids) but do have a hobbies, friends I have had for years and I work full time.

I have a partner (which I think has helped me feel less lonely) and am enjoying the freedom this age is giving us.

It takes longer than you think to adjust

Yes I completely agree. My two are teenagers. I have one that wants to be out with his friends all the time and thinks we are boring/uncool and I have another who doesn't go out like that but spends large amounts of time in their room talking on the phone or gaming with friends.
I no longer see or speak to the school gate mums who I thought were friends but obviously not. I also dont work at the moment so dont have work colleagues. I have no siblings. I have one friend who works full time so can't see very often.
My life is very lonely and im stuck in a rut. It's half term this week and we won't be doing anything at all as everything I suggest they say no to

I’m a single parent of 2 teens (one with SEN) op and I do know what you mean. I have a DP but he doesn’t live here and I only see him when he hasn’t got his kids so he’s around less than half of the time.

The thing I actually struggle the most with is that their busy social lives mean I never know whether they’ll be in or not as one or the other of us often has plans.

It’s rare it’s just the 3 of us at home and I love it so much when they do things with me, but oldest is often off with her boyfriend and as youngest is home schooled I always encourage her to see her friends when they’re doing things.

So it’s more the lonely life of a taxi driver thing that gets to me.

I work from home but that’s not lonely as it’s really well organised to be a supportive team and we have a debrief every day and various catch ups.

I am lucky to have lots of friends who I met from different walks of life so those are consistent and not affected by life changes. I def had loads more ‘school mum’ friends when they were at primary and I do miss those days. In some ways, though, that was more about group parenting - school holidays were easier with a group to go to the farm/ soft play or whatever with. A couple of those people are still good friends but most I never see except to wave at in passing now.

I found the opposite. I felt quite lonely when they were little and I was home with them. Then I found them good company as teens. Im now living on my own as I was widowed a few years ago and the kids are now at uni and I'm finding it ok.

Yes, so much seems to be fitting in around their plans/social life. Currently I’m also unwell with Covid and exhaustion into my 3rd week so can’t even do my normal things like leisure centre etc yet. It will get a bit better when I’m feeling healthier. Still I get that mum’s taxi feeling.

That’s good. I guess it’s just different life stages and trying to adapt as best you can given individual circumstances.

Yeah I have been. I’ve been doing classes at the leisure centre and trying to improve my swimming. I’ve been unwell for a few weeks with Covid, so that brought life to a standstill which has been hard. So the loneliness has been compounded!

I understand where you are coming from.
When my children were younger I met so many people outside school, at clubs etc and we would sit and chat. I felt like I had a really wide social circle but I never really had time to develop those acquaintances into proper friendships so, when I stopped going to school/ clubs, those people drifted away.