To think parenting gets more lonely the older the kids get?

[Thegrassroots26]

To preface this, I am divorced and not in a couple, so I have no adult company at home, but do you think it’s fair to say that unless you have lots of friends/family around that parenting actually becomes lonelier the older your kids get? Mine are now teens and I feel more isolated now than when they were young. When young you had the children’s centres, groups, the park, then the school gates etc.

Maybe it’s my own fault for not being sociable enough, but did others find this too?

Maybe when they fly the nest I’ll get a second wind and be able to live a bit more for myself?

Mine are 17 and 20 and I have a dh. Tbh I don't find it lonelier. I was never really into toddler groups, school gates friends etc, so it's not that different. I enjoy hanging out with dh and ds at home (and dd when she is home from uni). My job is very full-on as I spend the day in rooms full of 30 kids (teacher)!

I go to a choir and a pilates class once a week and only occasionally socialise beyond that, but tbh that's plenty. If anything, I don't get enough alone time. School holidays are bliss. Ds often does his own thing. Dh is at work mostly but has longer holidays than non-teachers as he works in a uni.

I’ve found a gentle life that I’m content with. Teens enjoy board games and bike rides with me still so that’s good. I joined yoga classes and found the local book club. But…often at home they are in their rooms busy and I do feel the lack of conversation with another adult then. I don’t much enjoy watching television. We have no extended family living, so that has a bearing too, and my best friends are hundreds of miles away.

I do get it.

This is not my experience, not I don't have to be there 24/7 providing childcare I have far more time to socialise and have fun. Have standing dates in the diary to go hiking with friends, joined a running club, see people at exercise class, go out for dinner with friends I've made at work.

When mine were little I don't it fast not isolating and I did have to make effort to join activities and make friends but there were always through my interests never made "mum friends" really.

I volunteer locally and will increase this when my youngest goes to secondary. I may even get a job outside of home. I may go back to my incredibly social hobby that I did before kids.

Yes in that you don't have the ready made social interactions that come with small children (or did in our pre-covid primary school experience anyway).

I think it's quite important that you do start to do more socialising just for you, before they move out. It's healthier for the next phase to start now, once they can be left for a while, not on the day they move out. It's good role modelling too to get yourself out there a bit - it's what we expect teens to do when they go off to uni/start work etc. Not always easy though.

I think your friendship circle has to change as your kids get older. Socialising with Mum friends is nice at Primary, but often the children are not friends as they grow up so you either move on from those - or if you have a real friendship it changes.
I have liked not having my social time linked to my child, although I enjoyed it at the time.
I think it's pretty normal.

True I am doing some of this. But my son is 13 so I still only leave him for 1 or at most 2 hours, so I am quite restricted to when I can get a babysitter.

I have felt like this this week
My child has started high school.
One mum said some pretty upsetting things about my child. While I was reasonable I can't say the same about her and it's stayed with me.
It's made me more wary of other people now, even people who haven't done this.

Mine is 13 and I leave him for far longer than that. He’d be outraged by a babysitter! Are you restricting yourself unnecessarily?

Yes this is very true and even more so when they go to uni!

Empty nest syndrome is very real.

i completely understand @Thegrassroots26. Mine are older teens now, and I miss the day to day activity of when they were younger, and it brought me into contact with a lot more people. Lone parent and watching the couples I know head off on weekends away, by themselves or with other couples. @frozendaisy - having just one other adult around changes the dynamic so much, it’s hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t experienced it. In the downtime when the teens are out (which is great), there’s no easy solution to going out as the lone parent, unless it’s pre arranged a while in advance. I’m constantly aware of not being too needy of friends time at weekends as they’re all in couples. I guess when the teens are fully fledged it’ll be easier, I hope anyway.

Yes, we sit and have coffee while the kids get on with whatever activity they’re doing rock climbing bowling.
I’m hardly going to drive him for 40 minutes to drop him off and then come back again
It’s lovely we all enjoy it. You should give it a try. You might be less lonely.

My DD is 14 and in a way I think she needs me more than she did when she was younger. Less hands-on care and supervision but psychologically I think she still needs me a lot. We also have a really good relationship and have great conversations about pretty much everything so we are friends. I know a lot of people say you shouldn’t be friends with your children but it works for us.

I’m aware that may change though: she may start to pull away but at the moment she is great company but also still quite dependent on me. I don’t have time to feel lonely.

What I do notice is that when they are teens its harder to arrange your social life around your kids. You can sort of engineer this a bit when they are younger but nowadays I have far less control over her social life and friendships than I once did.

Sorry to hear this. Triggers the ‘tiger mum’ in you doesn’t it?

Feel very seen with your post! It is very tough.

I completely agree. With babies and toddlers you have play centres and community events, then there are parent-led play dates and school/nursery events. When they get older they are doing their own thing and the ready-made community, which can be a lifeline esp if you're single/have no family/etc, falls away.

Definitely, I think especially for single parents and/or those without adult company at home all the time. Once they’re teens and out all the time or in their rooms, it becomes very lonely. Also trying to hide that from the teens so they didn’t think I was ‘needy’ wasn’t easy.

I wish I’d made more effort to do things for myself - clubs or hobbies or volunteering - to get some adult company. I do that more now, volunteering at a food bank and similar, and realise it’d have helped me such a lot during the teen years.

I feel a bit like this OP yes. I do all my parenting myself no partner anymore and it can be quite lonely

I find the difference is no matter what happens in primary at least you could always have a random chat at the school gates/ text a parent about a play date and then there’s the everyday mundane but busy chats on WhatsApp. Secondary suddenly all of that is done. Even this year will be our first non trick or treat year so there isn’t that excitement. I think you just have to get filling in the spaces!

No can't say it made much difference to me in fact as I didn't need babysitters to go out with friends it helped my social life.

Mind you I was nr er into doing"kids " groups" and didn't really have " mummy" friend. Most of my friends I knew before or from work etc not kids

I have a partner and he recently went away for a week (unusual) and I found myself lonely. Teens don’t socialise with their parents. So yes, I can imagine being on your own permanently is very lonely. I feel you!

Some really nice supportive posts on this thread. Thank you all.

@Thegrassroots26 I voted YABU but only because as your dependents become independent, that's the point your role changes and you then become more independent too and are able to form your own social life outside of the kids.

You just need to find something you want to do that you can now do then go do it!!!

I agree.

Also you are no longer running around after them in the same capacity so life feels a little more emptier.

Im grateful for the relationships I’ve built over the years and I have found myself touching base with more friends to fill the “hole” and I also do more hobbies and try to go to clubs - sometimes I bring the teen along - she hates it but ends up secretly enjoying it. So I find that I can still hang out with her whilst having somewhat of a life of my own

Undoubtedly as your kids get older, the social aspect of having children decreases. Even those who say they do loads with their teens - at some point these teens will be prioritising friends/girlfriends/themselves etc and that is how it should be.

I am lucky to have a group of friends made at primary school who are still friends (despite the kids going their separate ways) but if I wanted to make new friends now, it would not be through my children, it would have to be another way.

The other thing that's lonelier is when you have problems with teens. It was fine to talk about potty training or toddler tantrums but teenagers deserve privacy, so you have to find other ways of dealing with issues than chatting to friends about it (you can come on here but then risk being told you are the worst parents that ever lived).