To think parenting gets more lonely the older the kids get?

[Thegrassroots26]

To preface this, I am divorced and not in a couple, so I have no adult company at home, but do you think it’s fair to say that unless you have lots of friends/family around that parenting actually becomes lonelier the older your kids get? Mine are now teens and I feel more isolated now than when they were young. When young you had the children’s centres, groups, the park, then the school gates etc.

Maybe it’s my own fault for not being sociable enough, but did others find this too?

Maybe when they fly the nest I’ll get a second wind and be able to live a bit more for myself?

I totally agree with you. My youngest DS started senior school this year, so I don't even see anybody at the school gates, which means I can go whole days without seeing another adult (except DH).

My middle DS is 14 & has SEN so is different to most kids his age & I think that scares people too.

I am trying to meet up with friends when I can but it's not easy as lots work more when DC are older. Luckily I have Book Club once a month & I am looking into joining a WI where members are around my age.

Yup. My DD19 has mild SEN/autism and is currently veering between really needing me and not needing me. Rationally I know that when she doesn’t need me it’s developmentally positive and she’s learning to cope for herself but it’s still a bit sad. I’m a single parent but I do talk to the DCats a lot 😀.

@Igmum me too! I’d be a bit lost without my cat. She’s such good company!

It didn’t for me, I had a good balance between them going out/spending time independently and also spending time together. We did loads together when they were teens - I really leaned into their interests though, and was very aware to always listen.

Did you/do you have a partner? I wonder if this is a big factor in the situation!

Mum to a 7 year old and found parenting lonely throughout. Never found my tribe!

Bit of both
you can go out and leave them at home
they bring friends round with teenage gossip
there are always things to do for them still
you can take them to more grown up places (better theatre films just days out)

yes most adults are working in the week - do you work @Thegrassroots26 - if not you could look to see what jobs around

but then at weekends some adults do have more time because they don’t have to be home for bedtime

yes I have a H and we see friends as well

it’s good your teens don’t need you the same way it means they are growing into their own people

Yes I do but I don’t really think that had much bearing on spending time with my kids.

No I think it’s the loneliness aspect that when they are teens they don’t need you in the same way, develop their own lives and you aren’t so involved socially, so hence you have less social contacts, and if you also live alone without another adult that further isolates you. I don’t expect those who have a partner would necessarily understand how that feels.

Well, surely now that they’re older and don’t need a babysitter, this is the time to be able to see existing friends, make new ones, and lean in to activities outside the home that you enjoy? I have a 13 year old and a DH who is away for work a lot, and I’m probably seeing more and doing more things now than I did when he was younger.

Yes I work but somewhere with limited adult social contact. I work in a school!
I’m looking to switch jobs though to try to help with that.

That’s great. Fair enough. It’s why I posted on Aibu. And clearly in this case I am.

Ah sorry I have misunderstood your post

I didnt find that at all. Once they were teens there was more that we could do together, more things to talk about and plan. I absolutely loved the teen years with two boys.

My immediate response was no, but now I think about it most of my friends I made from school coffee mornings and my kids’ friends mothers. Though during their very young days I did feel lonely as I didn’t gel with any others at their first school, all my friends were working (I had my children late) and my husband was frequently away. But I made more from their second school where we moved after my DH passed away. I haven’t made new friends since that time. We still meet up but I’ve moved away and I am more isolated again. My last child went to uni last year and my routine has collapsed. Before I was up and out of the house to drop her at the train then in the park with the dogs at 7.30am. I’d see the same dguy g walkers and we’d always stop fur a chat. Not friends but I felt connected to the neighbourhood. Now it’s 10 or even 11 am before I get out of the house! I might go days without talking to another adult. Most of the time I don’t mind - I’m very self contained and happy in my own company, but occasionally I feel I’m not really getting the most out of life. I am very close to both my kids though and we at least text every day and I speak most days to my DD, often to keep her company when walking home late from the library!

Agree. School holidays are the worst if you're a sahm of older kids and teens ... everyone is working and there's no other mums and kids to go out with for the day...and/or few organised activities to take them to

Moved to a new area pre pandemic too which hasn’t helped. It’s hard starting over. But I did need to get away from where I had always lived.

Sorry about your DH @mondaytosunday

Well, you’re obviously not unreasonable, but is there a reason why you’re looking to your children or to contacts made via your children for company, and not enjoying spending more time with other people of your own choosing now that you’re less constrained by childcare?

Yep! I’m not sahm now, but term time worker so I get this too. Compounds the loneliness. If it wasn’t for my driving licence I’m not sure what purpose I would serve! (Joking obvs)

Youre not unreasonable at all. I still go with my son to Birthday get togethers etc, for me not him

Love that!

You go to the birthday parties of your teenage son??

Many reasons. New to the town I live in and moved around pandemic so was very hard to establish myself socially, plus had other issues going on. Hard to make friends as an adult as many of us know. Plus throw in the whole parenting teens as a divorced mum who works and regularly is sick from covid for weeks on end every year. There’s a lot of reasons. Finances too. I try to save money for the kids rather than spend it, so that keeps me home a lot.

I read this in the sense of popping in and chatting to parents of son’s friends etc as opposed to partying on down with 14 year olds boys.

I agree. My youngest is nearly 18 and though he lives with me, most of the time he's doing his own thing and has been for a long time. When at home he mostly stays upstairs in his room and only comes down briefly.
I was very sociable with my children when they were young, but parent friends have mostly drifted away with the exception of one or two.
Eldest moved out for uni and didn't return and youngest will be doing similar next year so I need to think of more things to get out and do!