Upset by nursery comments about 3yo diet

[takethesebrokenwingsandlearntofly]

Am I being unreasonable to be upset? DS 3yo has recently been very fussy. I have an older 7yo DS who has ASD, ADHD and PDA and we have had a terrible year with him out of school for 12 months. I've been fire fighting on every front and I'm so worried I've let my youngest down.

DS has always gone to a child minder but very recently started at a new nursery.

Nursery have said they don't think DS lunches are healthy and I feel so guilty. He is really fussy, has been for 6 months or so. I'm doing my best but he refuses so much food so I've settled on giving him what he will eat.

I usually pack the following:

Half a can of spaghetti hoops (he eats them at room temp)
White roll filled with cream cheese or hummus.
Small yoghurt
Sliced cucumber and or halved grapes
One banana

Is that so bad?

Sometimes I mix it up with an organix bar as he likes these.

For dinner he will only eat toast or a small pizza or cheese pasta. I always give him peas / sweetcorn / cucumber or broccoli with dinner he usually eats some veg but rarely eats it all. He will outright refuse any meal other than these.

I always give him fruit after dinner - orange / mango / watermelon / strawberries - sometimes he eats it sometimes not.

He will eat yoghurts - hundreds if I let him.

He has never eaten meat except the occasional chicken nugget.

Ive tried every variation of eggs and he won't eat them.

Sometimes he will have wheatabix for breakfast or a croissant or dry cereal. He will eat toast with just butter.

He also still has a bottle at bedtime and in the morning, which I know needs to stop but I'm worried he will get even less if I stop it.

Older DS has many issues but generally has always been a good eater and had a variety of foods, often eats what I eat and always has plenty of fruits and veg.

I feel judged and like a massive failure after comments from nursery.

I think the fruit and cucumber is fine and so is the roll. I did inwardly ‘ew’ at cold spaghetti hoops if I’m honest, and I don’t really know why! But this may explain why they brought it up.

My DD is very selective in what she eats so I sympathise; I feel like the only food she’ll reliably eat are chicken stir fry and chilli.

I know the spaghetti hoops are gross but surely not that unhealthy?

Apart from the spaghetti hoops, which have no real nutritional value (delicious though!) - why are you feeling judged? You know there’s nothing wrong with anything you’ve listed. So unless hes not actually eating much of anything you’ve described, I don’t know why you’d take such issue with them expressing their concerns. If they’re groundless and he eats well generally, why let it bother you?

Reframe your thinking. The choice is not between his current diet and a healthier diet, it is between what he currently eats and nothing. Will he drink milk from a cup? Mine wouldn't .

(Autistic kid who eats super healthily... Now but had lemonade for breakfast as that is all dc would drink in the morning and would otherwise go from 9pm to 4pm without drinking at all. )

Oh and friend was told by consultant just get calories into their autistic kid who ate chips and about 3 other things.

Your kid might be ND if his brother is. And I've seen much worse in lunch boxes. He eats quite a lot compared to some.

They are technically a vegetable I believe!

I thought that would be much worse! It’s clearly the spaghetti hoops as I can’t see what else could make them say it wasn’t healthy. Would he eat cold baked beans (for fibre/protein)? I mean - pick your battles, right? You’ve clearly got a lot on your plate. Don’t beat yourself up - it sounds fine.

God knows what teachers today would have made of our school lunches years ago. I had a marmite sandwich on white bread and two digestive biscuits every single day for years. Not a carrot stick or a cucumber slice to be seen, but it didn’t mean we had unhealthy diets and didn’t eat any fruits or veggies at all!

I don’t understand the obsession schools/nurseries have about a kids diet. I’ve never known a forty year old that only eats chicken nuggets. Kids grow out of it. It’s hard enough to just get through every day, especially dealing with everything you are dealing with. My advice for what it is worth, is smile, nod and ignore every word. Spaghetti hoops, fine, white bread, fine, cheese, fine, fruit fab! Let yourself off the hook, you are doing a great job. Put it into the stuff I'm going to ignore bag and carry on as before. Good luck! 😉

For a child with that profile that is an amazing diet. My DS would eat nothing but potato waffles as a toddler/pre-schooler. I literally (in the true sense of the word) mean nothing else. I understand the need to eat well but the utter obsession with healthy eating that is everywhere at the moment is tiresome.

Maybe a member of nursery staff could pop by on their way to work and make a nutritionally acceptable meal for your child! What? No time because they are dealing with their own special needs child -well I never🙄

Put it back on them. Explain that you wanted to send food that you knew DS would eat, but if they are happy to sit with him and ensure he eats everything, you will send more variety.

Sometimes kids will eat food at nursery that they wouldn't at home, so try this as a way to increase variety in his diet. (Obviously still send food that he likes so you know he will eat something!) If he doesn't eat the new food, then ask nursery what they are trying to get him to eat. Then go back to sending the food you are now and state that if they can't get him to eat, you will send food that you know will get eaten so he has enough calories and you aren't wasting food.

Spaghetti hoops typically have either a lot of sugar or sweeteners in.

Toddlers often seem picky because their appetite reduces. They need far less food and are often offered more than they need, so they will refuse anything that isn't their favourite and fill up on easy, palatable consistent foods, like starchy carbs, yoghurts & other dairy (cheese) and processed meats. They are often given snacks (many of which are too calorific and spoil their appetite for meals).

If you offer much smaller quantities of these, reduce snacks to only salad or berries/apples, and let their appetite return, they will (over time) start to accept more vegetables, unprocessed meat & fish.

I mean cold spaghetti hoops is certainly an acquired taste but none of this feels awful! My 2.5yo had a pot of yoghurt and a kiwi for dinner as she refused her main meal 😂 sometimes she is so picky it's very frustrating, but I do know for her at least if she doesn't eat her dinner she doesn't wake up hungry so I don't stress about it. I don't make her alternative meals but always offer fruit/yoghurt for dessert. She will eat if she's hungry enough. But I appreciate this is not the case for all children especially if they're neurodiverse so sometimes you just have to do what works!

Other than the spaghetti hoops being cold (which sounds grim 🙈) I think all this sounds fine and wouldn’t be concerned. There’s a couple of servings of fruit, some dairy and some fibre, nothing particularly sweet/sugary. To be honest my sons nursery provides lunch but if they didn’t I think my attempt at a packed lunch would be similar if not worse.

I would try and switch your morning and night time bottles to cups. Bottles are bad for teeth. (My 15 yo DC still has a cup of milk morning and night).

Just looked up Spaghetti hopes (detest the things); Heinz variety are 41% tomato and half a can is apparently one of your five a day. It has added iron and vitamin D. Otherwise a bit lacking in nutrients and a bit high in salt for kids but not terrible.

Our nursery introduced my 3 year old to Haribo by giving it as ‘treats’ at Easter etc whilst at nursery without my consent! Laughable that your nursery could do similar and then has an issue with spaghetti hoops.

Her school is the same, gives cakes, chocolate biscuits, hot dogs, chips etc for school lunches and then (I kid you not) told me I wasn’t allowed to provide natural yoghurt in a reusable pouch because it wasn’t healthy enough!!

Ignore them knowing your child is getting a good variety in the circumstances

I would ask them what specifically is unhealthy in his lunchbox. I don't think what you're giving him is that bad, I've worked as a lunchtime supervisor and have seen much worse than this! Including one little boy who used to bring 3 chocolate bars and a bottle of cherryade!

When did it change for you? And did you keep
giving them potato waffles or try other new things? Mum of a fussy 3 year old here!

I think that’s a good lunch!

that seems like a decent packed lunch to me, maybe speak to them for a further explanation about what they actually mean and also explain the situation to them.
try not to stress OP, you’ve done nothing at all wrong here x

Do you mean you literally dump a can of the hoops in a container as his lunch? No cooking it prior just empty straight from a can? That is just grim if so.

make a proper pasta in tomato sauce. The rest sounds fine

Yes and no …. They probably/maybe (not sure of daycare requirements) have to say something-as it isn’t the best BUT but as a parent of fussy potentially AFRID kid I would tell them unless they can miraculously get your child to eat other foods then their opinion is not required or helpful. Sometimes fed is best…. I’m sure you would love to send different , healthier foods but this is the battle you face , your reality and they are just not helping.

The spaghetti hoops are a bit high in salt, but if he will eat them then fine.

The yoghurt might be high in sugar depending on the brand and flavour.

Maybe send in some salad for your DS to ignore.

You are sending him with food he will eat, that's the most important thing.

@Worriedalltheday Do you really think this child will eat home made pasta? Also tinned pasta is already cooked.

I work at a infant school and the amount of school dinners that end up in the bin is ridiculously high...we encourage them to eat but can't force them, and I do feel many go hungry as it's not their choice of meals. So if your child is eating something that's a win win situation so don't worry about it.

I used to give DDs toddler ready meals sometimes "pasta with cheese, peas and broccoli trees" for their dinners at the childminder's. Typically when we'd had something for dinner that was not reheatable the next day. I don't see that tinned spaghetti is much different from this other than mine had a tiny smidge of veg in to make parents feel better about it. OP has put a bit of fruit/veg on the side.

Plus three year olds are often fussy. DDs both had fussy phases at this age. My friend's DD ate nothing but Weetabix and sausages for a year. I'd ask the nursery what are their "healthy" suggestions - and you will likely find yourself pointing out that they are no better than what he is having. Also ask them whether they'd rather look after a whingey three year old who hasn't eaten properly.