Why do men cheat? Lily Allen & David Harbour edition

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Why the fuck do men (and women, don't get me wrong) cheat?

David Harbour and Lily Allen had a seemingly good marriage, and he cheated with a younger colleague.

Why do people cheat, especially when they have a good thing going?

Edited to add. I meant Edition!

In my case it was his low self esteem and constant need for validation/praise and I was unable to give him that because I was juggling very young children/work/home

Because he was married to Lily Allen!

This

Similar reasons to why women cheat. I mean, who do you think all those men are cheating with?

Ah right it’s her fault is it?

David harbour is clearly a hot mess with all sorts of personality and mental health issues.

I always think of the guy from maroon 5 and how insulting it was to people who have been cheated on that everyone automatically said ‘but how could he cheat on a Victoria’s Secret model’

Why did she cheat on her first husband?

She details this in her autobiography but it’s too long and detailed to make a short sentence tbh 😂

David Harbour has some well documented serious mental health and addiction issues and Lily Allen has also had some very messy relationships and issues so I don’t think they are the best example for your point.

I read yesterday that they had an open marriage with an agreement he could sleep with other women only if it was random one offs or involved payment and was never discussed or public.
I feel very sorry for her children.

I agree. But I think it's actually a point worth making that some of the most gorgeous women in the world have been cheated on (e.g. Cheryl Cole).

Because I think it's so common for women (especially) to feel that being cheated on is a knock to their sexual confidence and their sense of their own attractiveness. And sometimes cheating men will deliberately encourage that feeling.

But actually, a cheater is just always going to cheat, regardless of how attractive their partner is.

People cheat cause it’s new & exciting, an escape ..
You’re going to be attracted to & get on well with more than one person in your whole life when married, some people choose to act on it ..
Dangerous ground in my opinion, is people that are attracted to one another that get on well & work together ..
Others then do it on nights out for excitement & wouldn’t necessarily embark on an affair ..
People want to feel that rush again that you feel on first encounters…

I don’t know how people find the energy. But seriously, I can’t fathom how you would do that to someone you love. I’m very clear with dh, he’d be gone. Financially I’ve made sure I choose to be with him and am not financially reliant on him due to friends being screwed over. I can’t imagine dh cheating though - hopefully he won’t. He’s a terrible liar so I’m sure he’d crumble quickly.

Because being married to Lily Allen meant he could not be a decent person? I mean, if she’s a nightmare (I’ve no idea, perhaps she is, perhaps not) that doesn’t mean he was forced to shag someone else. He could have just said….sorry, this isn’t for me, before sticking it somewhere else. Couldn’t he? Don’t think anyone held a gun to his head?

If you are daft enough to tell your spouse 'it's ok to cheat, within certain limits' you can't really claim to be surprised when he/she goes beyond those limits.

He didn’t give her a choice but at that point could have told him to FO.

Didn’t she cheat on her exhusband with sex workers?

I think this is a big part of it - some people get hooked on that initial ‘rush’ when they connect with someone and when life down the years gets a bit groundhog day and gas negative aspects - can’t cope with it -male and female

I feel some sympathy for her inasmuch as if her lyrics of the new album are anything to go by - she tried to accept his needs for sex outside their marriage - having both had failed marriages & infidelities of their own making. I think she felt gaslit into agreeing to him getting his needs met elsewhere as long as it wasn’t “emotional” & given she’d used sex workers herself in her own previous marriage, maybe felt like this was a modern, grown up approach at monogamy in a relationship now. Then found out he’d had a 3year thing with his colleague.

Not btw condoning infidelity, the use of sex workers or anything.

Usually because they stop desiring their partner. You can be ‘comfortable’ with a long term partner, but it’s not the same thing. People want passion and desire and excitement. People on MN seem to act as if attraction isn’t important, but it’s a really strong, basic, biological drive.

Yes exactly 👌..
Wouldn’t be for me , I couldn’t cope with the guilty conscience ..

I love Lily Allen’s new album and all her previous albums. If she’s the artiste she’s incredible and so intelligent and artistic. The writing is impeccable

Because it's thrilling and provides a huge ego boost to have someone lusting after you and pursuing you, especially if you've been in your relationship a while and things have got a bit stale and you perhaps feel a bit invisible.

I've not cheated, but felt I potentially could a couple of years back, so told DH what I needed more of - date nights, compliments, flirting, a more interesting sex life.

I completely get WHY people cheat, but don't understand HOW they have the nerve to do it and be so secretive and treat their partner with such a total lack of respect.

I strongly doubt she wrote all the songs - she will have a ghost writer if she says she does.
She may have been present while they were getting written.
I can’t stand either of them.
I have listened to her podcast and find her very teenaged in her thinking. It’s cringe inducing.
He seems like a total arsehole.
And agree with poster who feels sad for her kids.

I mean, probably the same reason she cheated on her first husband. I think mostly it's an ego boost. Once you've been together a while it's easy to not feel wanted or important especially with all the other stuff life being.

And I can't speak for everyone who cheats. But they were a famous couple, both with sketchy personalities and past issues, in a open relationship. As far as I can tell he just 'broke a rule' of their open marriage. Not defending that necessarily. If you agree to something in a relationship you should stick with it. But sleeping around is sleeping around. And I think it's very hypocritical to take the moral high road when you've done the same in the past.

She's a good singer and he's a good actor. I enjoy their work. But neither of them are right. Probably better off apart.

Why do you think she didn’t write the songs?

writing credits are published- there is no such thing as a ghost writer for music. If you mean other people were involved in the song writing- yes- it’s rare for any song writer to do so alone- but you seem to have assumed her involvement was minimal and I wonder where you got that idea from?