To be ill AND have a nice, tidy home

[Incomingwinter]

I’m a single parent with two brilliant kids and a fairly good ex husband who sees them regularly.

Over the past fortnight I have been ill, progressively worsening to a short hospital stay. I haven’t told the ex or children about this as it was at a time when the kids were with their dad so it didn’t affect them (and I hate drama of any kind).

I’m home, on the right meds and being told to ‘rest’. Whilst I completely understand this, the reality of my life just doesn’t fit with this. I am the sole carer of 2 young children. There isn’t anyone else. Yes I have a village, yes I have friends (who also have their own children especially with it being half term this week) but I cannot possibly ask someone to have an additional two children indefinitely.

My main problem is the house. The jobs are piling up and piling up and I physically cannot do them all. All of my systems are falling apart: the kids are running out of clothes, the kitchen looks like Snow White before the animal help, it’s horrendous. I physically cannot cope and I don’t know what else to do. I walk around from room to room crying at the mess. I’ve tried to break it down to the essentials but then found myself cleaning the living room windows half an hour ago (obvs it’s dark outside) and I think I’m losing the plot.

Any practical advice that isn’t ask people for help greatly welcomed. Please don’t tell me to leave the mess. A lovely, orderly, tidy home makes me happy. When it’s not nice, I spiral. Thank you all

Ok - you need to prioritise here. You are too ill to get it to your normal standards but there are a few things you can do that will improve things.

1. Kitchen - do you have a dishwasher? Get it loaded. Put it on. How old are the kids? Can the unloading become their job. Food away. Rubbish in bin. Bin empty. Spray and wipe anywhere that looks a bit manky.
2. Bathrooms - chuck bleach down the loo. Spray and wipe anywhere that looks manky. If your bathroom is generally clean then that is enough to keep it going.
3. Washing. Are you at the beginning or end of half term? If beginning then don’t worry about school uniforms until at least Thursday so leave them in the basket. What casual clothes do they really need for the next week? Let them pick out their top 3 items that they want to wear and add enough underwear to get you through.

That is enough to prevent environmental health closing you down and means no one has to be naked!

Get someone round to give you a hand. No one has to have your kids but they can come and do a load of laundry and the washing up. If you were one of my friends I would be devastated you hadn't asked for help. Would your ex have the kids an extra few days? Hope you feel better soon.

Speak to your ex, tell him how ill you have been. Ask for help!!

I took in a friend's washing while she was really poorly. Collected, washed dried and folded at my own home. Find someone who can do that.

Find someone to clean your kitchen,

Get online food shopping.

Tell your ex, family. Friends.

Gosh I would hate to think that a friend or family member would struggle on instead of asking for help. Aside from asking for help - does anyone you know have a cleaner who might squeeze you in temporarily? Even for a few hrs per week? It could reduce your workload immensely (if affordable)

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, I feel ChatGPT is really helpful to help choose where to start and make a manageable plan for the week. Sometimes, the act of telling it what I need to do and how I feel is so therapeutic in itself.

I hope you get better soon. Definitely see if ex H can do a little extra childcare over half term and tell him you’ll do the same in return when you’re better, if he likes. even if he feeds the kids three nights, you can do yourself a ping meal and not add to the washing up.

Thank you. This is sensible. To give you an indication, since I got back from hospital (at 4pm) the dishwasher has been on 3 times 🙈. I currently don’t have any surface to spray and wipe but eventually, the dishwasher has to reach its final cycle, surely? 🙈🫠🙈

Bathrooms are ok. It’s the washing. I am going to put on a wash now of just pants and socks, in the hope that they can dry by tomorrow.

thank you

We’re meant to be be going on holiday on Tuesday 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

I would love to ask for help but my friends all have their own mega busy lives, children, elderly parents to look after etc etc. I couldn’t burden them with my hoovering 😳

Yeah agree with keep the kitchen fairly up together so you dont get more ill / vermin infestation. Ignore the bathrooms, carpets etc. Get a food delivery of lovely easy healthy nourishing food. Try and wash whats needed. Give the kids age appropriate jobs - dishwasher emptying, putting washing away. My 10 yo can make a decent cup of tea when I'm ill.

Ahh bless you. My life is exactly like you describe your friends. But you have been in hospital. I would find the time. Probably only hoover the downstairs mind lol. But in all seriousness I'd bleach your loo, wipe your surfaces, do your washing up and a couple of loads of laundry. That would be enough to muddle you through wouldn't it?

Physically and mentally you’re struggling here so call in your fairly good ex husband.
Explain and ask him to put on washes and leave items to dry on hangers over door frames. Ignore creases. They’re not important.
Similarly ask him to clean the kitchen and overlook your usual standards.
Prioritise to avoid being overwhelmed. 💐
Rest and recovery are your aims. All else can wait.

Kitchen, bathroom, laundry, bins
the rest can wait
and honestly ask for help, I would LOVE to (I often start washing up at my friends and she walks around the house silently bringing me more to do)

I’ve just put the next dishwasher load on and wiped the kitchen surfaces. One more load should clear the backlog. Laundry-wise, I think there are a good 5 loads…

Where do you live 😉😉😉

Hmmm, his fairly good ‘ness’ relates to his kids, there’s no way he would clean and tidy for me, even though that would benefit them. Lovely concept though

If that’s the case ask him to look after them for as long as you need. Skip the holiday until you’re better.

Aw op it's really hard. Would you have the means to hire a cleaner for a couple of hours during the week to help you get on top of things without wrecking yourself?

I'm a lone parent and sometimes we can really make life harder for ourselves by being determined not to burden anyone. But in reality everyone needs a support network. I'm sure you'd jump to help your friends if they asked so they should return the favour. Ask if they can spend a few extra days at dad's house until you're recovered. How old are your kids? Would they be old enough to help you with some chores?

I need to decide which is more important, using up my ‘favour’ of him having the kids for a few days which will mean if I do need to work away / visit friends for any reason I’ll have to find alternative childcare as he won’t do multiple ‘favours’ or be on top of the house. I’ve also not been able to work whilst I’ve been ill so money is tight. If we go away, it.ma paid for, if we don’t I still have half term to get through without any activities / money

The kids are great but I feel like all I’ve done for a few days is bag them to help with the house to be point of crying and begging. They will help, they do try but they’re 6 and 8 so there are limits to their abilities.

my wonderful friend who sometimes cleans for me is chockablock so can’t fit me in. I don’t think I could afford normal rates as I’ve not been able to work while I’ve been poorly. I realise I’m coming across as super negative, I really really don’t mean to; thank you all so so much for all of your ideas and helping me to prioritise - one more dishwasher load and the kitchen is sorted! (I mean, filthy inside the oven, cupboards not wiped inside etc but tidy)

Start a WhatsApp group all your friends. Explain you've been ill, in hospital, everything upside down.

Id be surprised If someone didn't come rushing to your rescue.

I'm sorry things have been so tough, OP. I frequently get overwhelmed with stuff and keeping the house clean, but here's a few things which help me as a basic routine:

• In the morning - dishwasher - laundry - bins. The first things I do when I get up always are empty the dishwasher, empty the washing-machine and put the washing up to dry and empty the kitchen and bathroom bins if they're anywhere near being full. This routine is now internalised in my brain, takes less than 10 minutes and makes a huge difference.
• Cordless hoover - we bought a cordless hoover recently and it's been a game changer. It's light enough so that my 8yo can hoick it around, so hoovering the hall, stairs, living-room and kitchen are now his jobs. He doesn't do it particularly thoroughly but it's fine for everyday.
• Mess - just try to get everything back in the right room as a starting-point. Go through each room with a box and dump anything that doesn't belong in that room in the box. Chuck it all on the kitchen table. Then divide it into "upstairs" and "downstairs" in 2 separate boxes, and focus on getting items back into the right places.
• Bribe your kids with chocolate coins to put 10 items back in place. 10 items = 1 chocolate coin.
• Get foot mops for the kids that they can wear on their hands and feet and put some disco music on while they dance round and clean the kitchen door and surfaces. Again, it won't be done well, but it's probably going to be good enough and they'll have fun.

Then he’s not fairly good is he?

If he wants you to cope as a single parent (which you aren’t as they’re his children too) he needs to step right up now. Period.
Stop trying to struggle. Put it to him straight and don’t brook retaliation.

I did use the term ‘fairly’. He has his children 3 nights a week including 2 school nights where he does the school run. He does everything they need on those nights like Beavers, Rainbows, football, drama etc. He attends all of their parents evening appointments, hears them read, instrument learning, helps them learn times tables, spelling etc. I’d class that as fairly good. Cleaning his ex-wife’s house, not so much.

I love both your way of sorting mess and your chocolate coin bribery. I will be utilising both of these tomorrow.

thank you so much for these practical ideas, they’re exactly what I needed xx