To be ill AND have a nice, tidy home

[Incomingwinter]

I’m a single parent with two brilliant kids and a fairly good ex husband who sees them regularly.

Over the past fortnight I have been ill, progressively worsening to a short hospital stay. I haven’t told the ex or children about this as it was at a time when the kids were with their dad so it didn’t affect them (and I hate drama of any kind).

I’m home, on the right meds and being told to ‘rest’. Whilst I completely understand this, the reality of my life just doesn’t fit with this. I am the sole carer of 2 young children. There isn’t anyone else. Yes I have a village, yes I have friends (who also have their own children especially with it being half term this week) but I cannot possibly ask someone to have an additional two children indefinitely.

My main problem is the house. The jobs are piling up and piling up and I physically cannot do them all. All of my systems are falling apart: the kids are running out of clothes, the kitchen looks like Snow White before the animal help, it’s horrendous. I physically cannot cope and I don’t know what else to do. I walk around from room to room crying at the mess. I’ve tried to break it down to the essentials but then found myself cleaning the living room windows half an hour ago (obvs it’s dark outside) and I think I’m losing the plot.

Any practical advice that isn’t ask people for help greatly welcomed. Please don’t tell me to leave the mess. A lovely, orderly, tidy home makes me happy. When it’s not nice, I spiral. Thank you all

If I were you, I would put together a smallish WhatsApp chat of trusted friends and do a brief post explaining you have been ill, need help, but hate asking.

Ask if they could spare 1 hour to help you get back on your feet. It’s a manageable amount to time for you to ask for and not feel awkward, and by saying “back on your feet” means it’s not an open ended request.

I just want to say OP you came across as such a sweet and thoughtful person! It sounds like you’re doing great and have done loads today despite being so poorly - make sure you get a good rest tonight and I hope everything feels calm and back to normal soon. I’m the same as you - an untidy house totally scrambles my brain!

Thank you, I think this is sensible and I know that definitely 3 of my friends could manage an hour without me feeling bad as they could come on their way to other things (one has to walk the dog - could come with daughter who would walk the dog and help til daughter came back with said dog for example).

it seems so simple when you say it but I wouldn’t have thought it without. Thank you xx

… doesn’t sound like the ideal time to be going on holiday. Cancel?

You’re not asking for “favours” from your ex. You’re asking him to do what parents need to do when one of you is ill. Unless you’ve still not told them all you’ve been in hospital, which would be really silly tbf.

Given that you’ve been unwell enough to spend time in hospital I don’t think it’s unreasonable to present your need to your ex as a fait acomplis: “Bob I’ve been in hospital for the past few days and cannot look after the DC, you’ll need to have them through to the 4th”.

he can chose to be a good dad or not 🤷‍♀️

Yes, he sounds like a thoroughly invested father but does he do their laundry? Does the base line of need affect him?
Send their clothes to him to relieve you of one task atm. Make doting dad step up.

Yeah, he does all their laundry when they’re with him. I could definitely send him with a couple of bags of kids clothes to wash - good call thank you! I wouldn’t say doting dad either, I just said he was ‘fairly’ good 😂

Ooooo I had something going on for 8 weeks - barely able to clean for 4 weeks of that. Horrific. No dishes at some point. I broke it up into wipe downs (not my usual standard at allllll) and bleach toilets and sink holes because had the bleach out. I had to lower my standards come to think of it lol. As long as it wasn't dirty like I will get sick dirty, I accepted defeat.

Dishwasher was done minimally 2x a day to clear the backlog little by little and not overwork myself during a time where i was exhausted. Piled it up into areas like tetris and left space to make food safely and focused only on that area to be always clean. That clean space was ALWAYS to be sorted and I'd always then do a bonus clean so a little extra but not so much that it made me overworked.

Bathrooms/toilets a wipe down not a steam and bleach and done. A bowl and sponge and quick run over taps. Sinks etc and then dettol spray and leave instead of steam. As long as we could safely wash our hands and be hygienic it was fine.

Washing I did one a day minimally. Nothing unrealistic, saving energy for the next day. Vacuumed main room I spent time the most in (living room) and eventually did extra rooms etc once dishwasher and washing was caught up with I caught up with floors, bathroom better clean etc.

Think of it as you NEED food so kitchen is priority plus room you rest in (for me it was living room) With food, sleep/rest and breaks it gives you the basic human needs met which allow you to keep moving forward. Always did what was needed and then a little extra to start making dents in the huge amount of work.

I hope it makes sense - I'm still in the bonus stage where i do the musts - kitchen, rest space and anything else is bonus. I'm still in the thick of my situation but we are coming out of it now - but it causes extra work and tiredness! So I'm here trying to make sense but I'm quire tired.

Always make sure basic humans needs are met to allow you to keep going. Don't overwork all at once or you'll be floored and frustrated. Steady pace, plenty of breaks and break into mini jobs where needs a met first and then you do little bits of other things and it'll work out!

Lancashire

Thank you so much, you are so right and what I needed to hear. Going to ask ex to make meals for the kids that I can just microwave too. This will save on pots.

Youve all been so incredibly helpful. Hopefully by this time tomorrow the antibiotics will start to kick in and then I can make decisions on the holiday. Which is completely paid for, involves no cooking (or housework) and will occupy the kids for 4 days. Versus no money at all at home, having to feed them and clean the house. But holiday will need some energy. That’s for another day - the dishwasher is finished 🎉

Ha ha ha, if only we didn’t have the Pennines between us, we could call a truce on the archaic war of the roses. All in the name of getting on top of my house 😂

Can you afford a one off cleaner visit?

My friend who cleans for me is totally booked up. I don’t really know how I would go about finding someone else affordable who would do a one-off clean but I reckon my friends on their hourly rotation will nail this

Years ago an overworked mother I knew gave herself a week off on a regular basis. Everyone wore clothes they were soon to ditch, ready/pre-prepared meals were eaten, porthole hoovering took place only if necessary and dust was ignored. Sound good?
Paper plates and disposable cutlery won’t harm anyone on a holiday which could benefit you all.

May the ABs kick in soon.

No plates required on holiday - all meals included! No cleaning / washing up / nothing. Just energy to watch my kids have fun!

Parenting his own children is not a 'favour' it's an obligation.

really hope you feel better soon. I'd second asking your mates. If you were my friend, I'd gladly take in washing to do, just to help you get back on track. Or do some cooking and cleaning. Otherwise, is there a laundrette near to you? Would it be feasible to go there tomorrow with a book and a flask of hot drink and get a mass load of laundry done in one go?

Can you send some washing out? I use Laundryheap when my back is against the wall - they pick up and drop back.

Parenting them for days beyond the agreed number of days is where it’s more of a grey area as he would have to take unpaid leave from work etc too. Yes he’s a parent etc etc but this is why I only described him as ‘fairly’ good. He is an ex husband for a reason. I will not be asking him to have the children for more time. I will ask him to wash some of their clothes and make meals for them that I can microwave. But no more. I know when to rock the boat and this isn’t it. But thank you xx

One load done and drying, one load timed to finish when I wake up for first meds tomorrow then next load can go in. That will be three. You’ve all motivated me, thank you

You sound like you are doing brilliantly @Incomingwinter

I know you are trying to get ready before your holiday, but if you are going to be ill, going forward, Diane in Denmark on Youtube has some great advice on routines for when life's challenges take over. Really down to earth lady.

Eg at the top of every hour, set a timer for 2 or 5 or 10 minutes or whatever you can manage, do what you can then, and as soon as timer is up, go back to bed, rest up etc, then at the next hour, set the timer again for another 2 mins or whatever before resting again.

The other thing is setting a 2 minute PUPA timer every evening (or whenever) which the children can join in (Pick Up and Put Away). Make it like a game.

I hope you have a lovely holiday and get well soon. :)

Thank you so much, this is brilliant advice. I will definitely do the 5 minutes, then rest an hour technique as the washing machine take is just under an hour so that works perfectly.

Thank you so much for taking the time to help, it will make a real difference. Also, having a set time for the kids to help rather than nagging on and off all day.

All of these ideas are making such a real difference and I only need to stay up a little longer for final meds before sleep.

thank you all

Seriously, find a local cleaner for an emergency clean on Monday.

Literally just do the essentials. Washing, basic wiping down, feeding the kids and clearing dishes away. That’s it. Washing windows, mopping floors, any of that shit will just have to wait. It won’t kill anyone.

Also if you are too unwell to be doing housework are you well enough to take dc on holiday? Just thinking if it would be better for you to rest at home? Do you feel able to go or are you doing it for the dc?

You're amazing, being able to crack on with all this stuff when you've been so poorly and so overwhelmed by the tasks is inspirational. Well done. I hope that you have managed to get a restful night, and that you feel better soon.

The weather looks like it is nicer today (hopefully the same where you are), so maybe clothes can go out on the line (if you have a garden).

Some of the PP's have posted fab ideas. I used to do the tidy up game with my kids, and also "bob a job" - 10p per job/chore. Also used to set a timer and see who could get most things tidied and put away, or who could do the most chores in a set time. We still do that sometimes (and they're 12 and 19!).