Elder child in step family

[ThatRubyMoose]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5233697-invitation-for-one-child

This was my thread from last year. Essentially SiL only invited my younger child to the pantomime. My younger child is her niece. My elder child from a previous marriage was not invited.

This year younger one will go but elder will have an alternative outing. I am not happy but DH insisted.

Every year we go to a laser/light show at a cricket ground . We go with a family we met when my eldest started primary school but they have now moved.

I asked my sister-in-law to go instead Stupidly I did this as I wanted her to see my elder child as part of the family and see her interacting with her sister but now younger one has been invited to a party and is desperate to go,

Sister-in-Law has now said that her kids now don’t want to go although her elder one will be there helping on a stall with his scout group, as they were only going to see the younger one even though elder is nearer their age. Fucking blatant.

DH doesn’t know what to say, he feels if he speaks to his sister and they start to include elder it will be false setup on insecure foundations.

I think because he has agreed to pantomime they are now given carte blanche to not consider elder one.

There are two new grandchildren coming this year and I think elder child will be completely disregarded.

In our house we are happy together but I am so miserable when things like this happen.

OP you have posted about this so many times.

You continue to set you daughter up for this rejection. These people aren’t nice, they don’t see your daughter as their family. They will never see your daughter as your family. Just because you want one big happy family doesn’t mean it will magically happen.

You can’t define someone’s family for them - but you can’t protect your daughter from this constant rejection.

You are a glutton for punishment.

They see your elder child as in their extended family but not close. Why do you keep trying to push her on them?

Just stop putting your child in harms way when you know they arent interested, i dont get why you would do this?

While they aren’t cruel to her or anything, yes you’re all right. I am a glutton for punishment.

If they were horrible I wouldn’t want either of them near them but they are nice, witty and intelligent but clearly I can’t change them.

Again!! Op!! You need to speak to a professional about this as you cabt seem to leave it. Your sis in law doesnt see your daughter as her close family. You can't force her to. So stop creating these issues which will actually have a bigger impact on your dd than the fact this woman isn't close to her!! Your using her as a pawn for your own grievances please let it go!

Sister-in-Law has now said that her kids now don’t want to go although her elder one will be there helping on a stall with his scout group, as they were only going to see the younger one even though elder is nearer their age. Fucking blatant.

I have SDC. My nieces and nephews from my side would not have any interest in seeing them, without my DC. They’re perfectly pleasant but they don’t have any real relationship with each other. I’m not really sure why you keep doing this to your eldest, you’re serving her up to people who don’t really want her. This will be what causes any long-term issues.

Cross posted, totally agree

I'd fuck the sister in law and all of her invitations off completely.

You are pushing a boulder up a hill. You've been told many times before that you are on a hiding to nothing. You seem a bit obsessed by what you think is 'right' and are not taking into account the actual reality of the situation. Honestly, I would speak to a counsellor to let go of this fantasy family life you keep trying to build. In trying to push the issue you are going to create divisions and store up future animosity - if you can't see this, you really need some objective help.

Agree with PP, not this again OP. Stop it. Stop creating drama and get some professional help for the two of you.

You might get another thread full of people slagging off your in laws and going on about what terrible people they are and how they are morally superior because their family "includes everyone". I get that it's validation of a sort but I don't think that this is helpful for you long term and I can't see how it helps your poor older child in the middle of this.

OP please do get some therapy about this. Your poor daughters will both be impacted by your constant pursuit of these people’s approval.

You are harming your older daughter much more than her step family is. She is already coping with rejection from her biological family.

i know you think you are doing this because you love her, but from the outside it looks cruel. Like you are dogmatically setting her up to be rejected by these people over and over again. And you clearly think they are a prize - wealthy, educated, charming. Better than her biological family maybe (in your eyes)?

the damage to your daughter from your actions will be significant

Again?

You keep doing the same things and expecting a different outcome.

They won’t see your elder child as family and that’s fine as long as they are not rude to her.

You’re wanting this magical perfect blended family but only you and your husband agreed to blend his siblings and parents did not and don’t have to.

The only bad people here are your daughters fathers family and himself. But stop trying to force people into being their replacements.

Why do you keep spending so much mental energy on Sil? She doesn't see your eldest as her family, you may as well just accept it.

Why do you keep doing this over again? I don't blame your DH you for putting a stop to it this year and allowing his child to go out with her family.

@BettysRoasties he only bad people here are your daughters fathers family and himself. But stop trying to force people into being their replacements.

Excellent point. I think during the panto thread I said that I thought that this pushy behaviour could come from a sense of guilt over the fact that the elder's dad and his family are essentially useless. But you've perfectly encapsulated that by making the point that you don't punish others for their shortcomings. Agree with you completely.

I think PP are right when they’ve suggested therapy. This seems like it’s so much more than worrying your elder DC is left out. It’s as if you thought the marriage would be a do-over for you to cancel out the previous mistakes, perhaps you felt guilty your elder DC didn’t have an intact family. You’re expecting the new IL’s to step up; they won’t, and you’re saying this makes you absolutely miserable. Why is this such an issue for you? Your elder DC would be fine if you modelled normal behaviour for her.

And in the same way that reenacting this behaviour IRL over and over despite the result being the same... you're doing that on MN too. Posting the same issue and expecting people to give you different answers to those you have had before. It's a bit insulting to our collective intelligence - we do our best, you don't listen, you let it lie fallow a bit, and then come back with the same nonsense. Please listen - this is hard work now. And I know the whole "If you don't like, don't read, don't comment" thing, but people are genuinely trying to help you.

I’m sorry op, but these people don’t see your elder daughter as family in the same way as your younger child. They aren’t going to change, and constantly pushing your elder daughter on them is a pointless exercise that will only hurt her. As long as she is treated generally well by them, and is equal in her own family with you and your DH, then accept the reality - if you make a big deal of it, she will be the one noticing, and getting upset by it.

Unfortunately they don’t see your eldest as family and are not interested in fostering a relationship with her. They’ve made this clear many times. Stop trying to force the issue, you’re just setting your DC up for more rejection.

I am accepting of what everyone is saying but in my defence it isn’t something that I dwell on but it rears its ugly head on occasions, like Christmas and now Bonfire Night has given me new anxiety (not in a pathological way) that I never expected.

I can’t reject my sister in-law’s invitations for my younger daughter as obviously my husband wants his daughter to have a relationship with his family.

I am determined now to move on and not invite them to anything. It is their loss as my elder daughter is amazing.

I like that last line - good for you - give them less attention and give your elder more. Don't let them take up your time or energy.

Both of the girls are your daughters. Both of the girls are not her nieces, only one of them is. You are unreasonable to try to force a relationship between them. Sometimes these relationships do build naturally, that will never happen here while you are creating conflict. Don’t prevent your younger daughter from having a good relationship with her extended family just because your elder daughter doesn’t have the same with her’s.

OP it is really important that your daughter hears this attitude- it is absolutely their loss.

I grew up with parents who constantly sought wider family approval. I always felt I wasn’t good enough and actually felt bad for my parents that they didn’t have better children.

it has taken years for me to build up my self confidence - and I still feel the overwhelming urge to apologize for my existence.

you daughter will be picking up on how you feel about this. Set the right narrative

I hope by not inviting you don’t mean effectively cutting them off from sharing events with your younger child?

Remember they are her family and you stopping her spending time with them hurts her and doesn’t fix what your elder is missing.

In fact can breed resentment. Like the Op before whose younger children and dh backs them up resents the mother and older sibling as her being prioritised and them forced away from their family. That hasn’t ended well for them op. Losing her younger in the quest for “fair” in her eyes. The older sibling also basically exiled like the mother.

Stop trying to get something from them you’ve known for years that they will never provide.

There’s no need for events to create anxiety if you stop treating them as an opportunity to get a ‘win’. They don’t consider her a niece, and won’t treat her as if she is. That isn’t going got change, and you need to work on accepting and coming to terms with that.