Elder child in step family

[ThatRubyMoose]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5233697-invitation-for-one-child

This was my thread from last year. Essentially SiL only invited my younger child to the pantomime. My younger child is her niece. My elder child from a previous marriage was not invited.

This year younger one will go but elder will have an alternative outing. I am not happy but DH insisted.

Every year we go to a laser/light show at a cricket ground . We go with a family we met when my eldest started primary school but they have now moved.

I asked my sister-in-law to go instead Stupidly I did this as I wanted her to see my elder child as part of the family and see her interacting with her sister but now younger one has been invited to a party and is desperate to go,

Sister-in-Law has now said that her kids now don’t want to go although her elder one will be there helping on a stall with his scout group, as they were only going to see the younger one even though elder is nearer their age. Fucking blatant.

DH doesn’t know what to say, he feels if he speaks to his sister and they start to include elder it will be false setup on insecure foundations.

I think because he has agreed to pantomime they are now given carte blanche to not consider elder one.

There are two new grandchildren coming this year and I think elder child will be completely disregarded.

In our house we are happy together but I am so miserable when things like this happen.

These people are on the face of it lovely. There are four siblings, they love their parents and each other. I have no desire to stop my younger daughter seeing them and my DH wouldn’t tolerate this in any case.

This completely contradicts the fact that you would gladly keep her away from them if not for you DH putting his foot down.

You chose to have children with different fathers.

While none of us here know these people and can only speculate it's possible that given time they might have got to know your older DD better and included her a bit more. It sounds like your behaviour has made them feel on eggshells around her so they now don't want to at all.

I think you need to own your part in this OP which is why many of us wish you'd get some help.

I think the best thing you can do in this situation is to move away from them so that these casual arrangements of seeing them simply aren’t possible. They can come and stay and see you all at the same time, or they can not see any of you. You are never going to get them to treat your daughter like anything other then an outsider, so minimise their involvement in your life as much as possible.

ThejoyofNC

While I accept I didn’t let younger daughter go to pantomime last year. I have no wish to stop her seeing them.My saying DH not letting this happen anyway doesn’t suggest I would ever have deprived younger one of a relationship with them.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine

This wouldn’t be fair on my younger daughter.

Not this again.

You need to let this go. Your SIL does not see your eldest child as her family and that is her right. You’re only causing yourself and your eldest distress here. Let it go.

TBH they can't be that nice if they persist in deliberately excluding your elder daughter because she isn't blood family.

If I were you, I would happily deprive myself and my children of their wit and intelligence in order to protect my elder daughter.

Pull right back from them. The inequality of treatment will soon be very obvious to your older daughter if it isn't already and she will feel inferior to her own sister.

Let your youngest daughter build bonds with her family. Your eldest daughter is much older and has your side of the family and also her dad’s family. Stop forcing a third family on her. Go out and do something else with your eldest daughter.

thepariscrimefiles

I wouldn’t deprive my younger daughter and how would I explain that to her anyway?

Girl why are you still with this man??? 🙄

They don't want your child. They don't see her as part of their family. That will not change.

I was your oldest in this situation. My mother and I are now estranged. Take from that what you will.

Leave him and go it alone and tell your children why. Show your oldest just how important she is to you.

What a bitch , I would be expecting my partner to tell her exactly how vile her behaviour is and I'd be staying away ,let husband do as he pleases in regard to his family and he can facilitate the co tact you younger one has with them ,when someone shows you who they are believe them.

Vile ppl and your husband should be ashamed IMO for allowing this to continue,your his family and Sonia your eldest child he chose that when he chose be with you . I really can't see how anyone would feel this was ok especially considering your eldest is a singular step child ,my in-laws dont bother with my children from a previous marriage but I have 6 and to be honest they don't bother with their grandchildren either ,,but to isolate and be so obvious about it is atrocious,agree with previous poster your place is at your childs side always .

I feel your pain OP but each time your Dil invites your youngest you sort out a nicer treat for your eldest dad and you to do together. Fwiw I would feel as you do but luckily for my DC my in-laws accept them 100 percent and treat them equally to their biological DGC. DH and I foster 2 DC and in-laws accept them too but they are just nicer people than your mean sounding Sil. Don't invite Sil to anything else but sort out some really nice mum and dad time for you and your eldest.

DD not Dad time.

This! Your DHs family seem like decent people & whilst I understand why you want them to treat your elder daughter as their family, she isn’t their relative. If you & your DH split, then likely they’d not see your elder DD again (as harsh as that sounds).

Why don't you put this obsession and energy into the relationship the child's actual family, ie her biological equivalents?

Are they not as suitable in your mind? Can't be bothered with her? That's tough. You picked them for her, you can't try and force other people to take her on because they're a better option and show up for their actual relative.

I feel very sorry for you and your eldest child.
This happens so often in families where the woman has another child and I wish women would given this some thought before they have second relationships.
For every family that is gracious and welcoming, there are seemingly 10 that are determined to other the innocent elder child.
To at least have a conversation with his family before marrying these men, would seem wise.

My friends sister was in this situation 25 years ago when as a young widow with a 5 year old daughter she married a nice colleague.

His family were pleasant-ish, not thrilled when they married, but lo and behold when they had their first child, a son, and when futher grandchildren arrived via her husbands siblings, her older child was so very othered.

It hurt her immeasurably and it decided her against having a third child.
Lots of family outings and photos that somehow never included her eldest.
They got on with it and she is a very successful surgeon who has married very well.

From going away to university she has visited home very infrequently as she has built her career.
My friend says that if it wasn't for her having her son, the marriage wouldn't have survived, her sister has regrets as she feels it cost her a physically close adult relationship with her daughter.

You probably can't stop your younger daughter seeing them but I think that you and your elder daughter should stay away from them. If they invite your younger daughter to something, arrange something equally nice and take your elder daughter.

I think your husband is a bit shit though. He could say something to his parents but he obviously doesn't really care.

You can't make your SIL accept your elder daughter, as part of her family. You have no control over other people's actions or opinions, you only have control over your reaction to it. Your SIL is only interested in her niece, which is your younger daughter, she doesn't see your elder daughter as her niece. As much as you may want all your husband's family to accept your daughter, that's not the reality of the situation at all. You need to stop expecting your SIL to change her opinion, because it isn't going to happen. You also need to stop engineering situations to try and integrate your daughter with your SIL - she's made it very plain, she's not interested. You are setting your daughter up for disappointment and rejection. That will cause her much more harm, than if you just accepted the situation. There's no reason why your younger daughter can't go to the pantomime, and you do something else with your eldest. It's not your SIL's fault, no more than it is your daughter's, that her Dad and his extended family are useless. Yes, of course it would be nice if your husband's family accepted your daughter, and personally I think it's mean, but you can't control your in-laws and SIL.