To be sad over absent grandparents?

[Mi55ingpiece]

I know there’s a lot of talk about this on social media at the moment but I’m so sad about my parents and my PIL’s lack of involvement in my children’s lives.

My mum would only ever see my kids if I ask her to babysit, and even now I’ve got to the point where I don’t want to ask her as I feel like I’m putting her out. She would never pop round just to see them let alone take them out anywhere. I understand she has her own life and job but her lack of involvement is so upsetting. I think back to my childhood and I stayed at my grandparent’s house every Friday night and they would take me on days out etc and I had such a lovely relationship with them.

My husband’s parents are the same. Do I have unreasonable expectations of what a grandparent should be? I just feel sorry for my kids that they don’t have close relationships with either set of grandparents.

What age are the kids, OP? Perhaps they will be involved more when they are older and have retired?

Someone will get along in .5 seconds to tell you they're your kids, you should look after them yourself etc. But I'm in the same position and it's shit. Everywhere you look there are grandparents helping out, and my kids see it too. I've made my peace with it but your feelings are valid.

You sort of get what you’re given.

It’s absolutely not a race to the bottom, but perhaps it’s helpful to remember that everyone has different levels of support? My close friends get loads, lots of childcare and the grandparents dote on the kids. My parents never got the chance to be grandparents, my in-laws wouldn’t babysit if we begged them, they’ve met our four year old a handful of times. They weren’t even on our list to ask when I had an emergency section with our second, DH would have missed it rather than have them decline.

It’s something you can’t control, at all, so it’s just an acceptance of what you have

I think so many people have to keep working longer (the days of retiring at 55 are gone for most) and both working (less stay at home Grans) mean their capacity for taking on extra duties is more
limited. My SAH Mum got us out of the house for every other weekend! Lucky duck.

My kids are 8 and 5. I know my mum is busy and there’s no expectation on her to look after my kids, I just find it sad she would only ever see them if I ask her to have them. My PIL are both retired and live further away but show no interest. I used to send MIL photos of the kids but stopped when she didn’t even bother replying.

I guess I find it particularly grating when I know the help that both sets of parents had from their own parents.

I am a Granny with several DGC and I adore them and I am friends with lots of other grandparents.
We are all actively involved BUT all of us at some point feel taken for granted .
Example , one friend and her DH decided to go on a month long trip to New Zealand . They told family several months before they went and were still subjected to “ what are we supposed to do ? “ etc from adult DC wanting childcare .
In my own case, DS and DIL were very annoyed when we wouldn’t agree to a weekly overnight so they could have a date night .
Not saying all adult DC are like this but it’s certainly my and others experience.

I would never expect my parents to have my kids over night every week. In fact my 5 year old has only stayed at my parent’s house over night once and that was because my eldest was in hospital!

I'm a grandparent and, while I love and adore my grandchildren, I am still working two jobs and have limited downtime. I don't want to intrude by 'popping in' (and that would involve a 60 mile round drive) so wait to be invited. I know that weekends are precious to working couples and don't even get every weekend off myself so those are limited.

Grandparents often seem damned if they do and damned if they don't. And when time, energy and money are limited, this further restricts the ability to be what people seem to think of as the perfect grandparent.

So I think time, income, proximity, energy all have to be taken into account, and not judging the current generation of grandparents against what previous generations had and did.

You can be sad about this, that’s understandable.

but you’ve used ‘we went to our grandparents all time’ as a thought process of why they should do it. Um. There was a reason that you went to your grandparents all the time.

My in laws were never interested- happy enough if we asked if we could visit (not an automatic yes by any stretch) and the kids were then sent to the attic to get some toys they had kept from when my DH was young. But it was best behaviour and certainly never would have them on their own.
My own parents lived abroad most of the year, but when around we had them for Sunday lunch every week. I never expected them to look after my kids (they were mid 70s when my kids were born) but we would visit them every year at their home abroad and my kids have good memories from then.
I do know GPs very involved in their grandchildren’s lives, some though caring but many just from seeing their children/grandkids socially.
Do you ask your parents to just come over for lunch/dinner? With no expectation? They can still have a good relationship - it doesn’t have to be from babysitting only.

@Mi55ingpiece like you I had a very close relationship with my grandparents, in my case it was my maternal grandparents. This was because my nan loved children, but my mother hated them and therefore was happy to get rid of me at every possible opportunity.
My mother (since she hated children) wanted nothing to do with her own grandchildren, not that I minded because I wouldn't have inflicted her on them any way!

My mother had no interest in my kids, we did the weekly duty visit (always had to go to her house) and that was it.
My Auntie told me years ago that when I told my mother I was pregnant she apparently said 'I hope she doesn't think I will be looking after it' and she never did.
The irony is my grandmother on my dad's side had us every day of every school holiday, plenty of weekends and covered any emergency childcare.
I simply do not understunderstand how my mother had so much support and then made the decision that she was simply done with kids and wouldn't have mine at all for any reason 🤷‍♀️
If I ever have grandchildren I definitely plan to do as much as I can with them, even if it's just one overnight a month so their parents can go out and have a full night's sleep, my mother taught me how not to be a grandmother!

Your mother was clearly a person who didn't like children, that's why she got your grandparents to look after you as often as she could.
Why would you even want your mother to look after your children given that she doesn't like children and isn't likely to be nice to them?

I don't think I did say I wanted her to have them? They are 19 and 15 now and I worked my socks of to make it work without any family support.
It would have been nice if she wasn't 'her' and actually wanted to spend time with her grandchildren though.

I long to be a gp but I don’t think my dils will let me see the children much when they have them as they are both very much involved in their own dm lives. So although I’d happily provide childcare or overnight stays I don’t think I’ll get the opportunity and I feel sad about that. Shame there’s not a way of matching families with wanna be gp.

Do you invite them over for dinner or fir days out with the kids? or is it just expectation for babysitting? my own mother has bad health she not able to babbysit for long periods so will only do the odd pick up and mind before hone from work or if need hair done etc. however organise days out and invite her like to the zoo or panto. or if doing a roast on a Sunday they are invited over

this is also my situation. In my own parents case, I was an older mum, as was she, so nearly 70 when I had my son. Combine that with her having MS and really my role has very much been about caring for her. They love my son, but we’re not able to spend time with him without me present. Makes me sad that my son (now 12) isn’t especially close to them, but it is what it is.

with my inlaws, they are younger than my parents, but chose not to be involved. I think they have bothered to meet our son once. It’s their loss and certainly not my son’s loss. They are the same with their other grandchildren. My BIL blames his stepfather, but frankly they are as bad as each other.

it is what it is, so don’t waste time being sad or disappointed about it.

My kids are tweens/ teens now but in the same situation - they hardly see grandparents on either side. I’ve just accepted now that they aren’t interested, and just hope it will be different if my children decide to have families as I would love to remain close, go on holidays together sometimes etc. I can count on one hand how many times we’ve asked for babysitting (my husband’s side have never babysat for us) and they don’t need that now anyway, and after years of being the only ones to ever invite them over / for a day out etc I took the hint!!!

I feel the same way. Neither my parents or inlaws are interested. Funny as I remember always being with my grandparents and so does my DH 🤣

We adore both sets of our parents but we dont ask them to do anything for us, we include them in our life. We have weekend days out just as our family of 4 and weekend days out with the grandparents (walks, pub lunches, park trips, cinema etc etc). Probably see them every 3-4 weeks. Obviously more in the school holidays when we have annual leave. I would take that anyday over just handing them over to them. It works well for our family and everyone is different. Only very occasional babysitting/sleepovers. Our parents have busy lives, we have busy lives so we prefer our time with them as a whole family.

I know of friends who have the grandparents do the school run every day, childcare etc but often it is out of necessity aswell otherwise the parents would struggle with work hours. Dont compare yourself to others, do what suits your family best.

I can’t read all the replies but do you do lots together with the grandparents? Include them in activities? Weekend walks, days out etc? If you do that, perhaps can build from there on the having them but if you’re not including them in life, you can’t expect them to suddenly have them - not making a judgement there, just asking if that is the situation.

My parents cannot get enough of my kids. They are here all the time, take them both whenever they can and love giving us child free time so they can spoil them with attention. But my parents are also not British and come from a culture where there’s no question about it - grandparents are very involved in their grandchildren’s lives. They retired early and moved closer to us just to be able to be there.

My PIL are British and have seen my second child a total of twice in her whole life, for a total of about 2 cumulative hours. The older one they see maybe once a year for a few hours. Neither of them work, they only live 30 mins away but have the “I’m done raising my children” attitude. I really wish they’d be more involved but my MIL in particular says she doesn’t like driving. I respect their position and don’t ask for more but it does make me sad for my kids, who adore them and talk about them a lot because we make sure to talk about them a lot.

Like a pp said you get what you’re given and have to be grateful. I’m making a point of remembering what this is like as a young parent so that I can be a good grandparent to my kids and grand kids.

Didn’t read all the replies but just said the same. Nothing in the information at the start says what they actually do with the grandparents for enjoyment. Do they see them for fun, days out etc or is it just the expectation to ‘have the kids’?

My parents never did general babysitting and had no real interest in my 4dc when they were very young. Once they got a bit older eg 8 or 9 they did take them away for a week every year and would also have them over to do baking etc. They all have a very close relationship with them now (dc aged 17 to 34). They were relatively young when my oldest two were born (late 40s) so were busy with work and their lives.
I now have gc but unfortunately don't live very close to them and I also have to work to pay the bills though I'm 60. My eldest 2 dd know I would drop everything if they needed me.

I think we live in different times to how it was when we were young.
my parents both still work for example and they’re actually very still quite young to be grandparents (they were young parents).
when I was young my grandmother worked part time and my granda worked away… she had time on her hands to have 1 or 5 of her grandchildren, my parents just don’t!

we visit my parents weekly and that’s that. Of course there are sleepovers now and again!

husbands side, parents are much much older (ages with my grandparents) and just not fit enough to have the grandchildren other than a visit!

I just think times have changed

Ours dont ‘help out’, they love and adore our kids and we see them as a family and include them in family activities. They are a huge part of our life, without doing childcare or school pick ups. We run the day today between us (both work) and enjoy spending our free time with them (not every week obviously, but every month).

You can be a brilliant grandparent and not be doing the day to day things. Do you include the grandparents in family activities? Im confused as to what relationship OP has with the grandparents before expecting them to ‘help out’?

I’d also add alot of grandparents will be stressed out these days having to work well into their 60’s and also help with the childcare but will do it out of necessity. My colleague does and she is running between two jobs and childcare. Im glad our parents can see the grandchildren on a relaxed, fun, happy basis. No pressure or stress or ‘parenting’ expected from them.