To be sad over absent grandparents?

[Mi55ingpiece]

I know there’s a lot of talk about this on social media at the moment but I’m so sad about my parents and my PIL’s lack of involvement in my children’s lives.

My mum would only ever see my kids if I ask her to babysit, and even now I’ve got to the point where I don’t want to ask her as I feel like I’m putting her out. She would never pop round just to see them let alone take them out anywhere. I understand she has her own life and job but her lack of involvement is so upsetting. I think back to my childhood and I stayed at my grandparent’s house every Friday night and they would take me on days out etc and I had such a lovely relationship with them.

My husband’s parents are the same. Do I have unreasonable expectations of what a grandparent should be? I just feel sorry for my kids that they don’t have close relationships with either set of grandparents.

I would love my kids to have someone to call grandparents. I had a close relationship with my grandmother tell she passed last year. My parents passed when I was little. My Inlaws are not interested. They live abroad and they’ve never met due to lots of logistics involved. However, they don’t make efforts with phone communication. I got a congratulatory text message from fil when I gave birth to my second two years ago! They’ve probably seen my 6years old on video call less than 10times since he was born. They are active phone users posting stuffs online always. It saddens me but there is nothing I can do to change it.

I think people should just play the hand their dealt and not worry about what others do.

We were older parents which meant that GP involvement is minimal at best. One was already dead before DS arrived and the youngest of the remaining ones was 76 when DS was born so the reality is they’re not going to be able to have the same sort of involvement as GP who are in the 50’s for example. It is also likely that they won’t be around for all of DS’s childhood anyway.

As a result DH and I are pretty much 100% self sufficient. There certainly is no care giving from GP.

We knew this would be the case so made sure we were in a position to be able to live well with no help before we had DS.

I hear you. You can’t force it and once your DC hit about 12/13 they won’t want to be in GP’s company. It’s a shame. Yesterday my friends elderly mum took her girls swimming, goes on slides and in the pool, my boys will never experience that, Grand Parents uninterested - both sides. My grandparents were wonderful- I loved staying with them as a child.

Can you suggest to your mum coming for a film night with your DC’s?

Times have changed, I would spend time and stay with my paternal grandparents but my grandmother never worked and only had 4 grandchildren to take turns with.
Due to step children/blended families we now have 15 grandchildren plus we are still working full time - hands on childcare/ days out are impossible.
sometimes I think its sad and I would like more involvement but it is what it is

May be your mother just didn't like kids full stop. You have to put up with your own kids but no responsibility to have anything to do with other people's

Do you ever pop round to your mums on your own, OP? Does she live alone?

When my children were very young, I would sometimes visit my mum with my children but sometimes I’d go round on my own. We still had days out, just the 2 of us (without the kids). If she needed something doing at home, I’d go round alone and help. My mum was also still working part time and my dad had died so she needed family support, too.

I’m just wondering if your mum might feel that she’d like to see you on your own sometimes? My mum would babysit for us but we didn’t ask very often.

It is what it is, and children can manage perfectly well without grandparents.
My oh travelled around alot as a child as father was in the forces. Hardly saw grandparents and cant remember them very well.

It really dosent matter.

Your parents got loads of help when you were growing up, and now are very uninvolved grandparents themselves?

I think there is a link.
They were never interested in children at all.

It's hurtful, but you can't change them.
Live your life, don't waste it bitter.
Your parents are just the type to want help down the road.
You can choose how involved you want to be at that time.
Certainly never push your children to visit when they are teens if they have no relationship now.

My friends sister in law tried to do this to her teens when her parents decided they would like more visits when life slowed down for them in their 70's.
They live an hour away from her and have always lived their own lives.
She is a bit of a people pleaser and put pressure on her two teens to start visiting on Sundays.

One got very very angry and told her to fxxk off out of her life telling her what to do on her weekends. She didn't want to visit her grandparents that she wasn't close to and was sick of it every two weeks.
She hugely over reacted, but refused completely to apologise to her mother for how she spoke to her. She refused to look at or talk to her mother for 2 weeks, despite her father trying hard to intervene and mediate.

Clearly other shit going on and they are now in family therapy. But her mothers need to be a people pleaser has been an issue.

We actually lived with our GPs and dad in the 70’s when it was highly unusual for dads to get custody of their kids, and that was in part due to the support he got from my GP.
I can’t wait to be a nana, my son and girlfriend live close by and her own mum doesn’t seem that interested in her , so doubt she will be a doting grandparent. I have a demanding job and will be working a while yet, so won’t be able to provide regular childcare but will definitely support in other ways like baby sitting and days out.

I understand she has her own life and job

Is she working full time? You really don't seem to understand.Your parents are working. Why do you expect your mom to drop by and visit and take your kids out but not just your dad? That's rather sexist.

Did the grandparent you stayed with on Fridays or who took you out work a full time job?

I think you expecting your mother to take your kids off your hands is unrealistic. Earlier generations didn't work or worked part time and the jobs weren't quite as draining as they are now. She's also possibly in peri or full menopause and aging. She's also raised her kids. Just because she got help from her parents doesn't mean you're entitled to her time and effort to take your kids off you for a while.

You could ask her why.

I hope your friend went ahead and did the trip to NZ anyway! I think the younger generation forget that with us old-uns, a lot of us got married and had children young and never had the chance to do the things that younger people do today, such as travel, so we want to make up for it in retirement while we are still fit enough. I'm very, very lucky with my daughter, I see my grandchildren once a week (I'm still working) and am always willing to babysit whenever needed but she tells me that I've had four kids and this is my time now. Which makes me all the more willing to help out 😀

When I read posts like this there are always those who say that they're YOUR kids and your parents shouldn't be expected to babysit... The fact is, the children, the parents and grandparents are all a FAMILY, and I for one want my child to be involved with their grandparents, to be close to them, to learn about life and all of the traditions and relationships with others in the family as well.

My mum lives about an hour and a half bus journey away from us, but has my daughter whenever she can during the school holidays (we don't get to go during the week etc for obvious reasons) but if she lived nearer I know my daughter would be able to just pop in any time and be totally welcome.

On the other hand, PIL have babysat once (when she was a few months old, she's now 13) when we went to the cinema, they were on the phone asking when we would be home before the film had even finished. I had to go part time at work when she was small as we had no other help and couldn't afford the full time childcare, then along comes my neice and nephew and suddenly they're looking after them a couple of days a week, and then when school age after school etc. SIL (DH sister) is a doctor and her DH has a very well paid job as well, but (in MIL words) 'Childcare is very expensive you know'.
Yes I DO know, because that's the industry I work in and we have been paying for childcare the whole time! (No discount at all!)

Fast forward to now and some Fridays they will invite the grandchildren for tea, but if for some reason the others can't go, our daughter can't go either.
I don't think there has ever been a time since my neice was born that she has been to their house alone. My neice is 12.
Oh, and they live a 20 minute walk away, about 5 minutes if that in a car (FIL drives, we don't, but DH would walk up and get her, or she could get a bus, but no, there's no point apparently)

There's nothing our daughter would have loved more than spending some time with them growing up, but she's now noticing the favouritism and its beginning to hurt.

If, or should I say when, the day comes that someone says my neice and nephew were closer to their grandparents I am going to absolutely flip. I know that day will come, when GGM died SIL was allowed to have a look at which mementos she would like first 'as she was closer to her than DH'. If they dare try and treat my daughter any differently it will all come spilling out.

I'm so sorry, my post turned into a massive therapy session 🤣

My parents see my kids a lot and have a fairly ok relationship with them but it’s because I invite them to things theyd like to do anyway. So Sunday dinner round mine, walk in the park, taking them round theirs with cakes. They basically watch me parent while they sit on the sofa and have a cuddle/ convo every now and again. It’s very easy for them. They do no childcare. Would they be more up for this kind of thing? Basically around the kids but no looking after them because you’re there?

Correct.
Assuming you are not completely dense however you know when you have your own children there is a possibility they will then go on to have children of their own.
To outright dislike your own grandchildren seems odd to me.
Just to be very clear, I didn't ask my mother to look after my children , I paid for childcare for as long as it was needed. If I did go on a night out with my husband (rarely) my sister looked after my children and I returned the favour for her.
I am under no illusion who's responsibility bringing up children belongs too. I have been doing it for 19 years.
I am simply pointing out that I think it is odd for someone who has received so much support from grandparents to then opt out entirely when they have grandchildren of their own.

Who says she disliked the grandchildren? Seems she simply doesn't want anything to do with kids ( in general)

You don't automatically like people just because they are related to you anyway

It's not unreasonable to mourn that your children won't have a relationship with gp like you had yourself.

Grandparents these days have a different lifestyle to those in when we were growing up . They often have to work for longer . And people set their own boundaries now.

But they still should show interest. It's rude not to.

I was pretty much co-parent by my DGM. Wednesday evenings /Supper and after School DGD would turn up in his A40(in the late sixties) every weekend as well . School holidays /normal holidays ! Dad died so Mum was a SP then .My own DM/stepdad would babysit ,but didnt want to do day care fair enough. Hoping for some DGC .We live a 50 mile trip though .Hoping for days out / staying over (we live near the beach) And any BS duties! I do think some older people seem disinterested in DGC which is sad.

I have read that involved GPs often skip a generation. Certainly that has been our experience. We only had my DH’s parents who were not interested, wouldn’t help and fell out with us when a toddler touched tat an ornament. However they’d had weekly date nights for years and a whole squad to babysit and childmind. Our DGDC are the same age as your DC, OP, and both sets of GPs see them weekly, cover school holidays, have sleepovers and take them away. We’re all conscious that in the blink of an eye they will have interests which won’t include us so we are making the most of them while we can.

You just can't predict unfortunately.

I didn't really have any relationship much to speak of with either set of grandparents. My mums parents lived over 2 hours away (but they did have a good relationship with my cousins who lived only about 5 miles away).
My dads parents lived an hour down the motorway, but one time we went 18 months without seeing them. Apart from that, once or twice a year was more the norm.
To my sister and I, they were just the nice old people we saw occasionally. I wasn't especially sad when any of them died. I was more sad seeing my mum sad. Mums parents both died before I turned 12, and dads went when I was about 19 and 22.

My DH's parents are long-separated, but neither have much interest. We see his mum about every 5-6 months, and haven't seen his dad for getting on for a year.
My mum is widowed, and although she tries her best, lives 2 hours away, has a rip-roaring social life and is just a busy person. We see her about every 2-3 months. I suspect if my dad was still alive, we'd have seen a lot more of them both, as he always loved babies and small children.

You honestly think I couldn't tell if my own mother liked my own children?
Obviously you have such an insight into my family life nothing I can say will affect your thought processes.

I was thinking about the OP. Seems like her parents don't even really know the grandchildren

My mother and mother in law are the same. My mum never offers her to take the kids anywhere. The 9 and 6 year old have never stayed in her house or at there other grannies (only the granddaughters get welcomed in her home grandsons are not).

Although my MIL does make a point of visiting the kids frequently but its fairly obvious she favours the girls. My mum isn't interested but will pander to her husband's family at the expense of her own family. We don't see her at Christmas or new year as she always has plans with her husbands family (we dont get invited either though his adult dc does). She moans about the kids being kids. They are generally well behaved and cause us no problems at all.

Its horrible and unless you have been there nobody realises how upsetting it is to know your kids dont matter much to there grandparents.

I hope that you’re not offended but do you think that your mum used her mum as childcare because she wanted you to have a lovely relationship with her or could it be because she’s not very maternal and wanted breaks from parenting?

Yanbu to be disappointed that she didn’t pay back the good fortune that she had to have a great grandparent for her child but some people aren’t enthusiastic about stuff like that.

Its sad yours are not interested - they are missing out on so much!

Our children are similar age/older to what you posted (12/13) and still really enjoy being with the grandparents. Yes its not farm parks or little kid stuff with them these days, but we do roasts, bbq’s, walks, pub lunches, cinema and pizza etc. They genuinely love seeing them and look forward to the days with them.

I do think for OP you need to build the relationship before suggesting the idea of any childcare from them. Also, I would only ever want my kids staying with grandparents that are 100% excited for it and really genuinely wanting it. If they dont seem keen or are abit half-hearted about it, there’s no way i’d let mine stay with them, even if you had an offer from them.

To be fair. Some people jast love kids and spending time with them and I don't believe that changes just because you have grandchildren. It's sort of a pot luck really. Coupled with that as the population is having kids later, grandparents tend to be the older and many are still working so may not have r the headspace to. be super involved grandparents .