To be sad over absent grandparents?

[Mi55ingpiece]

I know there’s a lot of talk about this on social media at the moment but I’m so sad about my parents and my PIL’s lack of involvement in my children’s lives.

My mum would only ever see my kids if I ask her to babysit, and even now I’ve got to the point where I don’t want to ask her as I feel like I’m putting her out. She would never pop round just to see them let alone take them out anywhere. I understand she has her own life and job but her lack of involvement is so upsetting. I think back to my childhood and I stayed at my grandparent’s house every Friday night and they would take me on days out etc and I had such a lovely relationship with them.

My husband’s parents are the same. Do I have unreasonable expectations of what a grandparent should be? I just feel sorry for my kids that they don’t have close relationships with either set of grandparents.

My MIL has my two and my nephew every Sunday without fail. My dad hasn’t seen my kids since February.

I’m in a similar situation and I think it’s quite common sadly.

Ex-husband’s parents live abroad (where he is from), so fair enough as we’re not in the same country it’s difficult for them. They do keep in touch and used to visit but are quite elderly so it’s not easy for them.

My dad passed away a long time ago, and my mum just isn’t interested. She lives a 10 minute drive away, but very very rarely offers any babysitting (daughter is 10). Often I get offered 2-3 hours per week of summer holiday, to fit in around her schedule of course 🤦‍♀️

the rest of the year she just doesn’t bother. If I ask, she acts as though it’s a huge thing to ask and then just says she can’t because she’s going out with her friends/ walking the dog/ taking part in a hobby. Not saying she shouldn’t see her friends or have hobbies, but for someone who doesn’t work and never really has, you would think she would have DD at least one full day a week in the summer.

I’ve given up to be honest. Interestingly, whenever we invite her on a day trip or a holiday, she’s miraculously able to reschedule her commitments, she’s only busy if I want help. I’ve stopped inviting her now as I’m sick of her coming along when it suits her but not being interested in helping me out or having a relationship with her granddaughter separate from me.

I do feel sad for DD as she has no active grandparents at all, due to a combination of circumstances and my mother’s choice not to be involved.

May sound harsh I know but in 10-15 years when she starts to have to slow down and need some help, I won’t be tripping over myself to help her. She watches me struggle with childcare now and just sits back and enjoys her life of leisure. Would much prefer if it wasn’t like this.

Some of these responses are a bit harsh I think but I would also say that there is no right amount of involved. It sounds like you really want to rely on them for childcare and that is a measuring stick for involvement, but do you go out as a family together? E.g. do you invite them for a meal out, for brunch, a dog walk etc. I will be honest, I don't really understand people who expect childcare but aren't a family with grandparents. Have you talked to them about how they feel, what they see their role as?

You say she doesn't pop round, but when she sees your kids does she interact, treat them kindly, buy them birthday & christmas presents, is she interested in them as people? What is your relationship with your mother/ILs like? I do think this can determine the relationship of grandchildren with their grandparents. If you don't speak to them much/don't have much of a relationship with them, I can understand lack of involvement as they just aren't involved in your life much at all.

Either way it's okay to feel rubbish about it, especially if you imagined things being differently. Your expectations aren't unreasonable but having expectations without looking at the reality of the relationships and trying your best to foster this from the start as well as having conversations with them about it, you've accidentally set yourself up to be unhappy.

That’s because your parents didn’t want to look after you more than they had to, same as your DH’s parents. So why would they suddenly want to look after children when they’re older if they didn’t when they were Younger?

We have zero help and I find it so sad. My PIL visit once every 3 or 4 months. They are retired and look after another grandchild 3 days a week so they do have an interest in some of their grandkids. I’m not sure if it’s because we’re a couple of hours away and it’s more effort but it definitely stings. I asked them to take care of my children (just to keep an eye on them if I was distracted) on the day of my DM funeral and they told me they couldn’t attend because they were visiting one of their other children for the day. I won’t be asking again that’s for certain!

This topic comes up so frequently on here and replies are always the same, except for one thread I recently saw where someone said that it’s only recently women are waking up to the reality that having children is a choice and they don’t have to have them if they don’t want any.

A lot of our parents and grandparents had children because it was the done thing. So you’ll find so many women out there who deep down didn’t want kids but had them anyway. They fulfilled their mother role and that’s it, now that they’re grandmothers they are not interested.

I am sorry you are going through this.

People and families always have the right to choose what is the best for themselves.

I feel the same OP. What galls me is that occasionally I get mil, fil and bil moaning they don't have a bond. But fil moved 300 miles away and is too busy every time we offer to drive up. Mil emigrated to Asia and is "too busy" on the rare occasions she comes back. Bil lives abroad and never tells us whrn is back home. Yet they have all moaned at some point.

My kids are older now and that boat has sailed. Dd is 11 and we have decided its not fair to introduce her to fil after only meeting him once aged 3. Which is easy as he will supposedly cry to sil and bil that he never sees her ( but he doesn't mention her brothers) but is also too busy / it's too cold etc when we offer dates.

It's not about work as they are retired. It's priorities.

But she's getting to spend time with the granddaughter on day trips etc. why does it have to be childcare to be considered involved with grandchildren

All this..its sad isn't it. But 16 years later I can confirm you can't change them..or influence this situation much ..so draw your boundaries and dont spend lots of time chasing this relationship as I did.. as it is just a waste of energy. People always want to convince you that you are wrong, the relationship is fine and your expectations are too high...but unless you are in this situation you just don't get it.

I'm a granny but don't have any real involvement in the DGC lives, their mother thinks only her side is family, the childrens father has been pushed out and as a result so were we. I refused to be involved in her arguments with her ex, my son, so she punishes her children by excluding us. She thinks its punishing us. I only hope as they get older they realise what a manipulative individual she is.