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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Going out while unwell?

68 replies

Autumngreen · 25/10/2025 10:19

Posting for some unbiased opinions, because I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not. Sorry for the length, I want to put both sides across.

I have some friends who have arranged an Autumn gathering, approx 8 people, food and drinks at their house at approx 4pm today then walking to a local carnival with parade / fireworks. I wasn’t able to attend last year so wanted to go along this year. My DP has also been invited to come along, I mentioned it a few weeks ago and DP seemed reluctant for various reasons, she has stuff to do this weekend which is fine by me, she also has a dog that can’t really be left, again fine no pressure from me for her to attend, though I did notice at the time that she didn’t seem happy about me going.

This past week I started to feel unwell at work on Tuesday, Wednesday I just pulled through….I manage a team and usually when unwell I’ll just work through from home. On Thursday I logged onto work but after an hour or so i felt washed out and heavy cold symptoms, did a Covid test which is negative…..symptoms have been less severe than flu but worse than a regular cold.

The last 2 days I’ve not done much apart from dozing on and off, looking at my phone and a bit of tv. DP has cooked dinner both days and has been bringing me drinks, medicines, breakfast and lunch completely unprompted which has been really caring of her….however it comes at a cost, she has stated I have not expressed enough gratitude which I have apologised for and when she pointed it out I made more effort to express thanks and gratitude..tbh when I’m feeling poorly I just want to be left alone, but she has been extremely attentive to her own detriment I feel, as she gets so stressed with juggling everything at home with working and the dog (no children) I have repeatedly told her nicely that she doesn’t have to do what she’s doing, but I do appreciate everything and I know it’s how she expresses her love.

Fast forward to last night and I mentioned that I wouldn’t be back late tonight ( not feeling up to a late night out)! and that my friend is picking me up so I don’t have to drive (it’s about 45 mins away) DP got really angry just before we went to sleep, telling me in no uncertain terms that I am NOT going out, and that I have been off sick for the last 2 days and that going out would be classified as gross misconduct! I don’t like to be told what to do, I told her that I would make my decision tomorrow (today) based on how I’m feeling….but she has said that there’s absolutely no way she’s letting me go and that she’ll text my friends today to tell them that. She said she feels taken advantage of by looking after me for 2 days and then me wanting to go out, she feels it’s disrespectful.,

Just to say my friends know I have been unwell and are still wanting me to go…..so AIBU for considering attending?

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 25/10/2025 10:22

If you feel well then go. Your "D"P sounds like a dick.

yeesh · 25/10/2025 10:25

Your DP sounds extremely hard work

Pushmepullyou · 25/10/2025 10:28

Your DP sounds very controlling. Gross misconduct? She’s not your employer.

Go out with your friends.

SummerHouse · 25/10/2025 10:29

I would call this controlling behaviour without a doubt. This will likely get worse. If you go I expect you will get the silent treatment. This is no way to live. How long have you been together? Any previous signs of this? I would ask your friends and family what they honestly think of her. I imagine they have seen the signs.

sammyspoon · 25/10/2025 10:30

She sounds very controlling

MasterBeth · 25/10/2025 10:31

She has stated I have not expressed enough gratitude

This is bad enough. The rest is outrageous! Gross misconduct, indeed!

MummaMummaMumma · 25/10/2025 10:33

How can she not allow you? Is she your mum?
You felt really unwell for a few days, hopefully you'll be better today. Absolutely nothing to do with her.
Nor is it her business if you've called in sick to work.
Also, you not being grateful enough, you were ill!
Is she usually so controlling?

Coconutter24 · 25/10/2025 10:36

Gross misconduct? She’s your partner not your employer!! Is she always this controlling or is she jealous of your friendships? Is she wanting you to stay home to watch the dog whilst she does the things she needs to do?

ProfessionalWhimsicalSkidaddler · 25/10/2025 10:37

Dogs can’t be left overnight but they can be left a few hours. They’re dogs. They will eat you when you die because you’re animals. The only blessing is they’ll wait longer than a cat. People who baby them do favours to nobody.

but that’s not the point. As long as you’ve made people that you’re meeting aware and they have no issues, of course you can go out. Her phrasing and her attitude sound intolerable. Is she usually like this and what would you tell your friend if they were with someone like that?

user2848502016 · 25/10/2025 10:40

Go out and end your relationship, this is not healthy or normal

jeaux90 · 25/10/2025 10:41

Go out and ignore her. Crazy shit.

Butchyrestingface · 25/10/2025 10:42

she has stated I have not expressed enough gratitude which I have apologised for

that going out would be classified as gross misconduct!

she has said that there’s absolutely no way she’s letting me go and that she’ll text my friends today to tell them that.

What a controlling weirdo. End it.

deirdrerasheed · 25/10/2025 10:49

She sounds gross. Never ever ever ever give up friends for a partner. How intertwined are your finances.
If you were my friend I'd be keeping an extra eye on you.
Is this a same sex relationship?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2025 10:49

user2848502016 · 25/10/2025 10:40

Go out and end your relationship, this is not healthy or normal

I’m not sure about the language she used. But I would discourage someone I loved who had been sofa bound with illness to go to the event described it’s just going to make him iller.

the context given around her not seeming keen - why did you say all that op?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2025 10:49

Or her* iller (maybe a same sex couple)

WhatNoRaisins · 25/10/2025 10:50

This relationship sounds really toxic.

HotTiredDog · 25/10/2025 10:53

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to go out. I do think DP’s comments were unhelpful. Other than that, not RTFT. Enjoy the event.

Ohnobackagain · 25/10/2025 10:54

Your partner is too controlling. Absolutely red flag behaviour @Autumngreen

BusyMum47 · 25/10/2025 10:56

@Autumngreen

Go out if you feel well enough & talk to your friends about the situation - I bet they give the same advice you're getting on here - end it - it's toxic.

YourOliveBalonz · 25/10/2025 10:59

It sounds like her ‘caring’ behaviour is just part of how she controls you OP.

Cherrytree86 · 25/10/2025 11:12

She sounds a right weirdo.dump her.

JadziaD · 25/10/2025 11:16

She sounds very controlling, I agree. Of course, I admit that I have been a bit annoyed with DH a few times as he sits around half dead apparently, unable to so much as make a cup of tea, for 2 days... and then miraculously, he's well enough to go out or he wants to take an extra shift at work or something!

But i obviously can't stop him! It might be a bit less likely to be quite so attentive next time he's "sick" though!

Mumstheword1983 · 25/10/2025 11:32

Sorry OP but I have to agree that's controlling behaviour and it sounds like your partner just doesn't like you going out and is trying to make you feel guilty for socialising. Have you been together long? Has this happened before? I do think you need to be clear with your boundaries that you are an adult and will make your own decisions around fitness to socialise.

Zempy · 25/10/2025 11:34

Your DP is controlling and abusive.

WhatNoRaisins · 25/10/2025 11:49

I appreciate that the Mumsnet misanthropes reading this might disagree here but I feel that being part of an adult relationship should involve going to your partner's events with their friends and family at least some of the time. Someone who's never willing to do this is a red flag.