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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going out while unwell?

68 replies

Autumngreen · 25/10/2025 10:19

Posting for some unbiased opinions, because I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not. Sorry for the length, I want to put both sides across.

I have some friends who have arranged an Autumn gathering, approx 8 people, food and drinks at their house at approx 4pm today then walking to a local carnival with parade / fireworks. I wasn’t able to attend last year so wanted to go along this year. My DP has also been invited to come along, I mentioned it a few weeks ago and DP seemed reluctant for various reasons, she has stuff to do this weekend which is fine by me, she also has a dog that can’t really be left, again fine no pressure from me for her to attend, though I did notice at the time that she didn’t seem happy about me going.

This past week I started to feel unwell at work on Tuesday, Wednesday I just pulled through….I manage a team and usually when unwell I’ll just work through from home. On Thursday I logged onto work but after an hour or so i felt washed out and heavy cold symptoms, did a Covid test which is negative…..symptoms have been less severe than flu but worse than a regular cold.

The last 2 days I’ve not done much apart from dozing on and off, looking at my phone and a bit of tv. DP has cooked dinner both days and has been bringing me drinks, medicines, breakfast and lunch completely unprompted which has been really caring of her….however it comes at a cost, she has stated I have not expressed enough gratitude which I have apologised for and when she pointed it out I made more effort to express thanks and gratitude..tbh when I’m feeling poorly I just want to be left alone, but she has been extremely attentive to her own detriment I feel, as she gets so stressed with juggling everything at home with working and the dog (no children) I have repeatedly told her nicely that she doesn’t have to do what she’s doing, but I do appreciate everything and I know it’s how she expresses her love.

Fast forward to last night and I mentioned that I wouldn’t be back late tonight ( not feeling up to a late night out)! and that my friend is picking me up so I don’t have to drive (it’s about 45 mins away) DP got really angry just before we went to sleep, telling me in no uncertain terms that I am NOT going out, and that I have been off sick for the last 2 days and that going out would be classified as gross misconduct! I don’t like to be told what to do, I told her that I would make my decision tomorrow (today) based on how I’m feeling….but she has said that there’s absolutely no way she’s letting me go and that she’ll text my friends today to tell them that. She said she feels taken advantage of by looking after me for 2 days and then me wanting to go out, she feels it’s disrespectful.,

Just to say my friends know I have been unwell and are still wanting me to go…..so AIBU for considering attending?

OP posts:
sparrowhawkhere · 25/10/2025 11:54

I think she’s being OTT but I think you’re being selfish. To be feeling as ill as you have and meeting up with people and passing it on, just seems a bit like oh well, im not missing out, they’ll just have to risk getting it.

SwingTheMonkey · 25/10/2025 12:00

sparrowhawkhere · 25/10/2025 11:54

I think she’s being OTT but I think you’re being selfish. To be feeling as ill as you have and meeting up with people and passing it on, just seems a bit like oh well, im not missing out, they’ll just have to risk getting it.

Did you miss the part where OP’s friends know that she’s been ill and still want her to go?

JudgeBread · 25/10/2025 12:04

Your dp sounds like she thinks she's your mother.

PaddlingSwan · 25/10/2025 12:04

Dump the DP and do what you feel up to.

WhatNoRaisins · 25/10/2025 12:07

The illness is neither here nor there. If I'm well enough to go out then unless there is someone in the group that actually needs to avoid illness I go out.

Elphamouche · 25/10/2025 12:16

So I would enjoy being single from here on in!!! If you feel well enough to go out, then deffo go!

Friendlyfart · 25/10/2025 12:18

Gross misconduct? wtf?
You lost me at ‘not enough gratitude’ I’m afraid.
If well enough I’d be dosing up and going out.

Digdongdoo · 25/10/2025 12:22

DP sounds controlling. But if you've been that poorly, don't spread it to your friends.

mondaytosunday · 25/10/2025 12:27

Uh your problem is not whether to go or not but your partner. You’re not grateful enough? She can’t handle working, a dog and the odd meal prep/tea for her sick partner? Wow.
Go. And reassess this relationship.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/10/2025 13:40

Friendlyfart · 25/10/2025 12:18

Gross misconduct? wtf?
You lost me at ‘not enough gratitude’ I’m afraid.
If well enough I’d be dosing up and going out.

I’d love to hear her side though. ‘I’ve been waiting on my partner all day , cleaning up and cooking while they lay in bed, didn’t get so much as a thank you. I told them it would be nice if they at least thanked me’

Creamteasandbumblebees · 25/10/2025 20:24

2 seperate issues here

  1. Your DP sounds like a bit of a nightmare, I can understand her not wanting to leave the dog if there are fireworks going off, however she shouldn't make you feel guilty about going.
The whole gratitude thing is very strange, either give love and care to your partner gracefully or dont but to demand gratitude when someone is sick is a bit twisted imo.
  1. I'd be really annoyed if I went out with friends who were unwell and I caught something that they knowingly had, however if they are fully informed of your illness and still encourage you to go then no problem.
BuildbyNumbere · 25/10/2025 20:26

sparrowhawkhere · 25/10/2025 11:54

I think she’s being OTT but I think you’re being selfish. To be feeling as ill as you have and meeting up with people and passing it on, just seems a bit like oh well, im not missing out, they’ll just have to risk getting it.

Read the last paragraph 🙄

dizzydizzydizzy · 25/10/2025 20:31

Your DP is totally overreacting.

But if you’ve been that unwell please stay at home, even though your friends still want you to come. Spreading bad germs is just wrong.

And by the way, Covid tests now give a lot of false negatives (a doctor told me this when I was quite unwell and said my illness was almost certainly Covid despite several negative test results.)

Eenameenadeeka · 25/10/2025 20:35

Your partner sounds intense and controlling, but I do think you are massively unreasonable to go to a social thing like that when you've been that sick. Seems pretty shitty to expose your friends to it when it's not something urgent and unavoidable.

rwalker · 25/10/2025 20:45

This may come across as harsh
but if you’ve been mopping around all week and they’ve had to put up with that
then all of a sudden your well enough to go out with friends because you want too
id be pissed off

QuietLifeNoDrama · 25/10/2025 20:46

Your partner is being really weird and controlling. No need to make such a song and dance about looking after a sick partner. As long as you weren’t actually rude there’s no need for huge displays of gratitude from a sick person. A simple thank you should suffice and it can def wait till you’re feeling better.

I really hate people who do things or buy things that weren’t asked for but then expect the other person to be indebted to them.

Borethefuckoff · 25/10/2025 20:53

rwalker · 25/10/2025 20:45

This may come across as harsh
but if you’ve been mopping around all week and they’ve had to put up with that
then all of a sudden your well enough to go out with friends because you want too
id be pissed off

The OP’s partner chose to pander to their every need… they didn’t ask for it!
This is massively controlling. I think she’s jealous or insecure or both!
If you feel well, your friends are aware… go, have fun and don’t rush back!

PopandFizz · 25/10/2025 21:00

If you've been that ill then I certainly wouldn't appreciate you coming but if you asked and I could see others had said yes I probably would feel an arse for saying so.

As a manager if I knew you'd been off the last 2 days then felt well enough to go out on Saturday I'd have some questions as well. Even if I couldn't do anything about it, you'd be 'kept an eye on' and I probably wouldn't believe future illness or that you had been as ill as you made out. Can't do much about it if it's a weekend but would effect my opinion of you.

Finally as a partner, yeah I'd be pissed off if I've waited on you hand and foot because you're ill and then, before you're better, you're well enough to go off out with your mates.
I would never say I wouldn't allow you though, quite controlling language, but I wouldn't have a partner who'd behave that way either. I'd have probably gone 'it takes the piss a bit if you're too ill for work and I'm looking after you but you're well enough to go out' and they'd be brave to still go out lol and I'm the type of person who encourages my other half to go out/arrange something without me usually.

I think your partner is feeling disrespected here and I can see why burt they've handled it wrong.

SwingTheMonkey · 25/10/2025 21:15

PopandFizz · 25/10/2025 21:00

If you've been that ill then I certainly wouldn't appreciate you coming but if you asked and I could see others had said yes I probably would feel an arse for saying so.

As a manager if I knew you'd been off the last 2 days then felt well enough to go out on Saturday I'd have some questions as well. Even if I couldn't do anything about it, you'd be 'kept an eye on' and I probably wouldn't believe future illness or that you had been as ill as you made out. Can't do much about it if it's a weekend but would effect my opinion of you.

Finally as a partner, yeah I'd be pissed off if I've waited on you hand and foot because you're ill and then, before you're better, you're well enough to go off out with your mates.
I would never say I wouldn't allow you though, quite controlling language, but I wouldn't have a partner who'd behave that way either. I'd have probably gone 'it takes the piss a bit if you're too ill for work and I'm looking after you but you're well enough to go out' and they'd be brave to still go out lol and I'm the type of person who encourages my other half to go out/arrange something without me usually.

I think your partner is feeling disrespected here and I can see why burt they've handled it wrong.

But op didn’t ask or even want her partner to wait on her. She actually said she’d have preferred to be left alone.

PHB65 · 25/10/2025 21:19

Two sides to every story, and to be honest I’d love to hear “her” version of events. Something doesn’t sit right to me with it. 🤨

Chickadee001 · 25/10/2025 21:25

Dictator or control freak? I can't quite decide, but as an adult put your foot down!

CatchTheWind1920 · 25/10/2025 21:27

She's controlling and sounds horrible.

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 25/10/2025 21:36

Generally I'd say she's being mad and it's entirely your choice whetger youre well enough - the work thing is nonsense, youre not out sky diving the same day you called in sick. The only caveat I'd have on it, is my husband is a real pain for regularly forcing himself to attend stuff out of duty, when he's not well, and then needing a week in bed, or the hospital, or he misses something big because he wears himself out, or overdoes a bad back etc. I do quite often say "I don't think you should go, you're not well and we've got xyz coming up/there's a birthday this week and you want to be well rested for it". Only you know the tone, how you normally interact, if she's regularly controlling or if this was a caring "I really don't think you're well" type of "don't go" or a "I don't want you to go". The gratitude for caring is also a bit weird, and emotionally manipulative, you didn't ask or want the attention. If this is all new behaviour, have a serious chat, about how you're both grown ups, you both make your own choices - if she chooses to fuss around you, that's her choice, if you choose to go out sick, that's your choice - neither of you "owe" each other or have the right to dictate one another's behaviour. If there's been other red flags previously then there is your answer and this should be a final straw.

windchimeheaven · 25/10/2025 21:46

I agree with those who say you should stay home and keep your germs to yourself, however your partner does sound controlling and their behaviour is a totally separate issue.

Starlight7080 · 25/10/2025 21:46

If you are feeling a bit better then fresh air will probably do you some good.
How many days are you meant to stay in when you have a cold?
Sounds very controlling.

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