For being angry at my mum for acting like this after my misscarriage?

[beepbeepbananabread]

I went out with someone who was generally very abusive. I had an unplanned pregnancy which ended in a misscarriage over the summer. Very initially I was distraught, but then kinda went numb after that. Over the last couple of months I've been struggling with what happened a lot, but I don't have anyone to talk to/a safe space to "breakdown". The other evening it all got too much and I couldn't keep it together anymore so I had a mini breakdown.

I was sobbing on the floor of my room and my mum came upstairs to find out what was happening.

She stood and said "Oh God what is it?" not in a worried tone, in a snappy "ffs" kind of tone.

And I said something along the lines of "I'm just struggling to keep it together. I can't hold it together anymore, I'm using all of my mental strength to surpress what happened because it will break me to realise what's happened. But I can't do it anymore. I'm going to break down, I need help with my mental health so badly."

And she said in a snappy tone "Struggling to cope with what?" Like she doesn't know what I've just been through.

I replied "what do you mean?" still crying.

Mum: "Well what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

Me "My misscarriage and everything that happened. It's too much."

Mum: "I don't understand why you can't just keep holding it together. You've been fine since it happened."

me: "I haven't been fine, I'm so unhappy and I've been keeping it together but I can't do it anymore."

Mum: "Well go talk to someone then."

She knows I have been sent away by the GP, refused a referral to Mental Health services, and have tried to find organisations to help but to no avail. I don't have money for private therapy or anything. I never bring anything up with my mum anymore because she always acts in a mean way about it, but then gets offended when she thinks you're keeping stuff to yourself.

I'm angry at her for being so abrupt and dismissive. I have been trying SO HARD the last few months to keep going with no one to talk to. I just broke down though.

Anyway, am I being unreasonable to be angry at my mum for reacting like this in response to my "breakdown"?

Historically women did just move on, especially early losses.
You do need someone to help you though, do you have any religious faith? Or family other than your mom?

I'm not religious, no. I have other family, but I'm not at all close to them.

That’s harsh op. She should be the one person who wants to comfort you. Does she have form for being so unkind?

No matter how “early” a loss, it is devastating.

You really don’t need to just move on. Lean into your grief and let it come, cry and feel how you feel. Do what you need to do .

Have you tried the Samaritans?

If you work, does your employer have an Employee Assistance Scheme which offers mental health support?

Sorry op there is no right or wrong way to react to a miscarriage and I found it very traumatic personally.

Have you looked at the miscarriage association? They might be able to signpost you to support.

All the best.

Good idea to contact the miscarriage association. Your Mum wasn't very kind to you.

I mean, you are living at home, you were in an abusive relationship, that resulted in an unplanned pregnancy and then, you sadly had a miscarriage.

But gosh, that it a lot of upset that you are bringing in to your life and into her home, and while it's easy to paint her as monstrous, I wonder if she is running on fumes in terms of compassion at this point? Or just hanging on for some light at the end of the tunnel?

This - tbh she's probably half relieved, at least, that you're not stuck with an abusive man as the father of your child.

It's natural that you're sad, but you should speak to someone other than your mother about it.

This.

Not everyone is made to be a good emotional support, but it sounds like your mum is at least practically supporting you. If you need emotional support then realistically you need to find it elsewhere.

I get that she doesn’t understand why what you’ve been through has suddenly affected you after you’d been outwardly doing OK, but there’s no excuse for her to snap at you about it.

I’m sorry you’ve been through such an awful time xx

I know, however, It isn't her house. She lives with me because she doesn't like being on her own. It's a complicated situation that I'm trying to get out of.

I didn't actively go to her to talk about it, because she is precisely that, not made for emotional support whatsoever, she came into my room because I guess she heard me crying even though I'd closed the door. I don't have anyone to talk to, that's the issue. I've tried speaking to the GP etc, but there isn't much they could do.

I'm sorry your mum was so unkind and so unempathetic, OP. If you feel you are at your limit, then you are at your limit. I agree, talk to a miscarriage charity and they should be able to signpost you where to go next.

I have looked them up, thank you! I had planned to go to one of their support groups but it's an hour and a half drive away and in the evening so haven't found a good time to do that

I called them once and chatted to a nice lady who helped calm me down when I was struggling at the beginning. They're helpful in thw moment, if the wait time isnt too long for them to answer. Thanks for your suggestions. I'll look into that.

Your Mum didn't go about it in the best way but if I'm honest I would be privately thinking the same thing. Millions of women go through early miscarriages and manage to get on with their lives.

Try and see it as a positive. You could have been shackled to an abusive arsehole for the next 18 years.

It sounds like tough love from you Mum which has missed the mark. I hope you are okay Op x

She's always been like that. She was very abusive to us when we were growing up.
Thank you so much for your reply xx

Its your house and she was abusive to you as a child?

Time for her to pack her bags. She has no right to be there and tbh I am struggling to see why you gave her house room.

She has outstayed her welcome.

The miscarriage associaton are very good, they were very supportive after my (sadly many) miscarriages.

It sounds like your mum is at the end of her tether, are you often attention seeking? Because although it’s horrible what’s happened, this kind of reaction is very extreme.

I wonder if this is the sort of thing where we'd have to really know you and know how your normally act, in order to understand (or not) your mum's behaviour?

Do you often sob on your bedroom floor or look for a space to breakdown?

Is she used to having to deal with it?

If not and it was completely out of character for you, then she is BU for not being alarmed at your sudden change in behaviour.

No it isn't.

Lots of women have miscarriages.
We all deal with our grief in completely different ways, but the OP's reaction isn't extreme or unusual.

It may well be tied up with difficult feelings about the father of the baby.

I'm surprised at some of these replies TBH. Whatever happened to compassion?

Some very good replies here, some very harsh. I'm shocked at the comment you got about many women have early miscarriages and manage to get on with their lives. And i say this as bereaved mother whose full term twins died at birth one of my boys were stillborn and my other died in the nicu. But I've also had two early miscarriages before my boys died and despite the horror that came after , I never forgot the pain and fear when i miscarried. It's people miminising your loss that need to get their heads checked. You dont need to get on with it, but you definetly derserve peace and help with it.

Regarding your mother, some people are useless with empathy and when people haven't lost a child, they haven't a clue. I do think talking to someone is good though. I go to counselling for my twins deaths and it really helps as they listen and validate my and my husbands feelings. I wish you all the best

The OP is asking if she's being unreasonable for being angry at her mum's reaction.

As no-one on MN knows the OP or her mum, people are just trying to work out if she's BU or not.

This doesn't mean they're not compassionate.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I had a miscarriage in 2018 and I still have a little cry over it even now.
I spoke with a lovely lady at Tommy’s. Our conversation really helped. It might be worth trying to give them a call ❤️❤️
Sending HUGE virtual hugs xxxx