For being angry at my mum for acting like this after my misscarriage?

[beepbeepbananabread]

I went out with someone who was generally very abusive. I had an unplanned pregnancy which ended in a misscarriage over the summer. Very initially I was distraught, but then kinda went numb after that. Over the last couple of months I've been struggling with what happened a lot, but I don't have anyone to talk to/a safe space to "breakdown". The other evening it all got too much and I couldn't keep it together anymore so I had a mini breakdown.

I was sobbing on the floor of my room and my mum came upstairs to find out what was happening.

She stood and said "Oh God what is it?" not in a worried tone, in a snappy "ffs" kind of tone.

And I said something along the lines of "I'm just struggling to keep it together. I can't hold it together anymore, I'm using all of my mental strength to surpress what happened because it will break me to realise what's happened. But I can't do it anymore. I'm going to break down, I need help with my mental health so badly."

And she said in a snappy tone "Struggling to cope with what?" Like she doesn't know what I've just been through.

I replied "what do you mean?" still crying.

Mum: "Well what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

Me "My misscarriage and everything that happened. It's too much."

Mum: "I don't understand why you can't just keep holding it together. You've been fine since it happened."

me: "I haven't been fine, I'm so unhappy and I've been keeping it together but I can't do it anymore."

Mum: "Well go talk to someone then."

She knows I have been sent away by the GP, refused a referral to Mental Health services, and have tried to find organisations to help but to no avail. I don't have money for private therapy or anything. I never bring anything up with my mum anymore because she always acts in a mean way about it, but then gets offended when she thinks you're keeping stuff to yourself.

I'm angry at her for being so abrupt and dismissive. I have been trying SO HARD the last few months to keep going with no one to talk to. I just broke down though.

Anyway, am I being unreasonable to be angry at my mum for reacting like this in response to my "breakdown"?

She's always been like that. She was very abusive to us when we were growing up.

How did you come to let your abusive mother move into your house?

Op, forgot to add to my post, have you tried Tommys or the miscarriage association. They are fantastic. Unlike here they wont tell you, you are being dramatic or minimise your loss. They will also have experience of women who were pregnant and in abusive relationships because that of course must be very difficult to get your head around. Maybe have a look at the pregnancy section of mumsnet too. Far more unserstanding than aibu

OP I do understand why you feel the way you do. When your own mother cannot offer basic empathy to you it is an incredibly lonely feeling. I know it myself. Society paints a picture that mothers are there for us and meant to be our biggest supporters. Please get in touch with Tommy’s as others have suggested. And start planning a way to get her out of your living arrangements.

Cradle Charity might have some help too OP

I am truly stunned by some of the awful comments here. I just don’t know how people can say these things to someone who has lost a baby.
I’m sorry for your loss OP. Miscarriages are incredibly difficult and you’re grieving alone. I’m sorry your mum isn’t being more compassionate and I hope you find the support you need 💐

Please don’t say anything like this again to someone who has had a miscarriage. It’s awful

How is it extreme? Some women develop PTSD after a misscarriage.

It was very traumatic for me and I've had to keep my emotions contained because I have no one to grieve with and it all piled up and came out. I was crying in my room in private, however.

Thank you so much, I honestly really appreciate your comment! xx

I haven't tried Tommy's. Will look them up! Thank you.

this is going to sound harsh. From your mums point of view this miscarriage may not be something to mourn over, but to be thankful for. The father was your abuser, who would then be tied to you forever more. Not to mention the physical, emotional and financial demands of bringing a baby into the world as a single mother who seems to be in a very fragile state. I’m sorry for your pain x

Because she had nowhere else to go. It was meant to be temporary, but these situations become more complicated and difficult to resolve as time goes on.

Thank you so much! I'm really sorry for your loss. It's so difficult to go through.

I'll definitely give Tommy's a call, thank you. xx

Do you want her to move out, given you said it’s a situation you want to get out of and it’s your place? Is she adding to your current poor mental health? Would it be better for her to go, given she was abusive to you when you were growing up? It doesn’t sound like tough love or she’s wrung dry of sympathy!

You need grief counselling. Try Tommy's, as @LouH1981 suggested, and/or Cruse. Yes, I suppose we are expected to 'just get on with it' but nowadays we're a bit more aware of the toll the loss of a baby can take, surely. Hope you can get some help and find some peace OP.

(And start working out how to get your mother out of your house.)

I agree, it's vile. Ive had two early miscariages and a stillbirth and neonatal death [my twins] I'll never be the same again even though i went on to have a baby after. I'll never forget the trauma with each loss and that includes my early losses never mind the burial of my twins at full term.

Some comments here are sick and I hope the op knows that

I think the older generation viewed miscarriage as a bit of disappointment rather than a loss. My mother once told me she had ""loads'. I don't she meant to be insensitive , it simply wasn't that 'big a deal' for most in the past.

I m sorry for your loss
Most people have no idea what to say about miscarriages, some people who I know are not total arseholes said some crappy things to me when I had mine
Your Mum is probably also a bit relieved you aren't having a baby with an abusive man but she could be kinder.
Its only recently that MC were spoken about, most women just got on with things. I m not saying thats ok but its how it was

I hope you're not raising any children

Some awful comments on this thread from people who appear to have no feelings whatsoever (or the capability to read all the OP’s posts about her mother).

And I can’t see anywhere either where the OP said it was an ‘early’ miscarriage…

OP, I had a miscarriage at 16 weeks at home by myself and it was beyond horrific. I thought I’d ’get over it’ in a few weeks but it actually took months (physically) and years (emotionally). Even after a few decades, the grief can still hit me like a bus.

We all feel things differently, but don’t let anyone minimise your experiences or feelings, OP.

This. I think some women from older generations who didnt experience losses dont really get it because it was so seldom discussed, and some women who did suffer losses find it hard to be supportive because it means they will have to start acknowledging their own feelings and then they fear they wont be able to hold it together. Or some feel "i had to get on with it, why can't she?"

That is hard OP. It's like the experiment where they placed baby monkeys with a figure that would give them electric shocks, and the monkey would still cling to her.

I also have a mother who was abusive. It's very hard and lonely, especially when you are traumatised and vulnerable and just need that mother figure and you don't have one.

I would say it does sound like living with her is not helping you. But one thing at a time. Can you join any community groups? I know you said there are no support groups but where I live there are community centres that do meals and free classes and it can really help.

Good luck

I am not sure thats true to be honest. My mother had an early miscarriage after having me and my sister, she had tried for several years to get pregnant again and she was devastated. This was in the late 70's. She said that when it happened it was very much treated as "Oh well, it was probably for the best, you can try again" and that was that. Shit happens, get over it, basically. Her friend who's eldest was stillborn got pretty much the same. The baby was whisked away so she never saw him or held him and as he was buried with a stranger in their funeral, she doesnt even know where his grave his.

So a lot of women just buried it deep down as thats what was expected, at least in front of anyone else, and they tend to minimalise its effects as they dont want to open up those feelings that they have managed to surpress.

Trauma following a miscarriage isn’t a mental health problem, it’s a very typical, expected consequence of not just losing a pregnancy but all of the hopes and dreams that come along with it. The fear you have that you did something wrong, or weren’t worthy enough for the pregnancy to be successful.

1/4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, it’s a matter of odds and the odds are high. I struggled with mine and I’d suggest talking therapy.

Your mum does sound emotionally unavailable but even if she wasn’t, she won’t know how to help you as we’re all different. Miscarriage is such a deep and personal pain.

I think it’ll help you to realise there are A LOT of women out there who have experienced similar and we get through it with time and hope. Your hope now needs to be focused on self worth so you don’t find yourself in another abusive relationship.

The pain will pass, I promise.

Agreed. Why some people feel the need to be so deliberately dismissive bordering on cruel I’ll never understand.
The op has had a horrible experience, bottled it up for ages. Fallen apart about it, felt very unsupported by her mother, posted on mn for support and quelle surprise some of the responses as as bad as the OPs mother.
@beepbeepbananabread plesse ignore the unhelpful responses. I suggest asking your gp to refer you for counselling. Don’t keep on keeping it to yourself (but DO keep it from your mother in future cos that’s unlikely to ever help cos she sounds a lot like mine….. a narcissist)

@beepbeepbananabread

I really think that therapy is going to help you.

You were abused as a child, ended up in a relationship that was abusive and when you ended that, ended up in another abusive relationship but this was with the woman who abused you in the first place.

I think that looking into what pushes you to continue this dynamic will really help you to make sure it doesnt happen again. It will also give you the tools to deal with your mother.

Right now you have FOG, which is short for Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Very common amongst abused or neglected children. And you want her love, so you have hope that eventually she might be the mother you want. Accepting that she will never be that person and its not because you are unlovable but because she is simply incapable of loving can really change your perception. It took me years to sort out my issues with my own abusive mother and enabler father, my sister never really did. She protected herself as much as possible by being the "good girl" and to a certain extent it worked. But now as a woman in her 50's she is looking back and realising how bad it really was and she can't unthink all those thoughts that are coming out. Opening Pandora's Box now will mean that the rest of your life wont be overshadowed by it.