My husband is more like my housemate with benefits

[tomorrowsfishandchips]

I’m at my wits end with DH. I don’t know if it’s a case of me being very highly strung in or him being totally thoughtless.

He has a way of being late to everything.

He teaches small kids a sport nearly every weeknight. The class will finish at 8. He says I’ll be back at 8:15 (the place is a 5 minute drive). But will regularly get back at 9/930. When he’s late he’ll say “I was just chatting to the parents/kids”

If I ask him to pick me up from anywhere (he needs the car for his job so he has it mostly) he is anywhere between 20 and 40 minutes late.

As I’m at work 8am-6pm every week day, and he’s in his role from 9am-3pm and then 5pm-8pm with the classes, we rarely have any time together in the evenings.

When he does get home, he will scroll on his phone, make dinner (for himself as I’ve eaten) and then fall asleep around 11pm.

Weekends are jam packed with kids stuff. I have a DC from a previous marriage and he is with us every weekend (plus 5 weekdays). DC will be with us every day at the weekend, which whilst I absolutely love, doesn’t give us much time together as a couple.

Weekend evenings he teaches a class again (Friday) and when Saturday comes he’ll be exhausted and fall asleep at 9/10pm.

I just feel really lonely, and to be honest, a little needy. I’ve asked him to talk to me instead of being on his phone but he says “I’m not allowed to do anything!” and gets annoyed.

Tonight he has cancelled his class because he got football tickets to go to a match with his friend. Again, fine, but nothing like this ever gets arranged for us.

I just feel so sad and like I’m just living with someone who sleeps in my bed. If that makes sense.

So dump him?

Over what exactly?

I'd get yourself out and stop relying on him to be your company. He's shown you he isn't interested in that.

Maybe be out more, leave him to pick up some slack at home?

I've been like this is in my marriage. I remember i ate alone one week by myself and then was expecting husband home on the saturday for tea and he went out with his friends. I was very lonely as you are trapped in a half life. I did give him a kick up the butt and we then had children and things have been much better. I also ensured that i got myself some hobbies instead of waiting around for him he now waits around for me!

A spouse should improve your life, and yet you’re left feeling lonely and unappreciated.

You don’t share DC, so it wouldn’t be breaking up a family.

Life is too short to waste time with people who don’t value you. Someone else would cherish you and actively want to be in your company. Don’t sell yourself short.

Woah, you’ve become his dependable housekeeper who he’s taking for granted.

Make a point of not being where he expects you to be. If he doesn’t notice or care it’s time to ditch him.

Have a serious talk with him. Maybe show him your post. Do not play mind games with him by not being somewhere he expects you to be - that's terrible advice

That you don't have a meaningful, fulfilling relationship. That's a good enough reason.

His behaviour I would say is unlikely to change. I had similar so not together any longer. You deserve love and attention from a partner.

His unreliability would push me over the edge.

Isn’t it worse from his side?
you both work different hours, so barely see each other in the week. That’s no one’s ‘fault’ just an incompatibility of working hours.
And then the weekend, you have your child there.
So, isn’t he the one who should feel like this?

What do you mean over what? You’ve just written a whole thing about he doesn’t make time for you, or prioritise you he spends all his free time away from you and arranges nothing with you. You are housemates.

Over him not making time for you, over you not being happy. The ball's in your court OP.

Just because you like someone, doesn’t mean the relationship is definitely going to work op!
the poster means there’s kinda no point to this relationship given you don’t and can’t see each other (unless one of you changes jobs) apart from someone to share the bills with and sleep with. For both of you.
if you want someone you can go out on dates with every night, then you need to find someone else. —obviously—

If, in 10 years time, you’re still having the same complaint, what would you say to you now?

Being always late is a sign of disrespect. He doesnt value you or your time.

I can't believe he chats to parents EVERY night for three quarters of an hour up to an hour and a quarter. That sounds like an excuse to me because it may be believable the occasional night but not every night.

It's time for a serious talk: either he changes and actually puts some time and effort into your relationship or else really what is the point in it? Atm he is treating you with contempt.

I'm sorry. I'll bet there are a great number of people that can related, me being one of them.

"But will regularly get back at 9/930. When he’s late he’ll say “I was just chatting to the parents/kids”"

Everything else sounds a bit crap but this is quite sus. Ive never, ever known parents do anything but rush home after a kids class in the week 🤔

Tell him you need the car next week & he'll have to sort himself out. Let him be the one waiting around & see how acceptable he finds it.
Then think about whether you want to stay with someone who doesn't prioritise you & your relationship.

I'd be asking him how he sees your future together. Does he plan to be absent long-term? If so, just tell him you're not happy with that and then check-out. You don't want to live a half life.

Do you ever go on holiday together or go out together?

We’ll have to agree to disagree @Mealy82 but this is my reaction to being considered wallpaper.

How old are the small kids he teaches? It's quite late for young children to stay behind with their parents to chat. From experience and currently have children in teams/clubs, everybody rushes off as soon as it's finished.

That's the part that stood out to me the most.

I'd be feeling lonely too. And maybe a bit suspicious.

@tomorrowsfishandchips

It's not being needy to actually want to spend time with the person you married...

Otherwise what's the point??

It sounds as it's been long term?

I'd ask for a one and done with it convo....

Where you have at least a couple of :date nights' with no phones, at home...

If he's unwilling, I'd seriously consider your future with him...

He's just treating you as a housekeeper with benefits.

There are lots of people out there who would want to spend time with you

This. He doesn't care about you very much, does he, if he is routinely late for everything. Have a think about what he brings to your life that is positive.

What has he said when you talked to him about this? If you havent, that has to be the first step. If you have mentioned it and he can see it is a problem but does not know how to change it, that is a positive sign. But if he doesnt see it as a problem, I am not sure how you come back from that.

Relationships need to be nurtured in order to stay strong. Either he does not really appreciate that or he does not care.

It sounds really lonely, I am sorry.