My husband is more like my housemate with benefits

[tomorrowsfishandchips]

I’m at my wits end with DH. I don’t know if it’s a case of me being very highly strung in or him being totally thoughtless.

He has a way of being late to everything.

He teaches small kids a sport nearly every weeknight. The class will finish at 8. He says I’ll be back at 8:15 (the place is a 5 minute drive). But will regularly get back at 9/930. When he’s late he’ll say “I was just chatting to the parents/kids”

If I ask him to pick me up from anywhere (he needs the car for his job so he has it mostly) he is anywhere between 20 and 40 minutes late.

As I’m at work 8am-6pm every week day, and he’s in his role from 9am-3pm and then 5pm-8pm with the classes, we rarely have any time together in the evenings.

When he does get home, he will scroll on his phone, make dinner (for himself as I’ve eaten) and then fall asleep around 11pm.

Weekends are jam packed with kids stuff. I have a DC from a previous marriage and he is with us every weekend (plus 5 weekdays). DC will be with us every day at the weekend, which whilst I absolutely love, doesn’t give us much time together as a couple.

Weekend evenings he teaches a class again (Friday) and when Saturday comes he’ll be exhausted and fall asleep at 9/10pm.

I just feel really lonely, and to be honest, a little needy. I’ve asked him to talk to me instead of being on his phone but he says “I’m not allowed to do anything!” and gets annoyed.

Tonight he has cancelled his class because he got football tickets to go to a match with his friend. Again, fine, but nothing like this ever gets arranged for us.

I just feel so sad and like I’m just living with someone who sleeps in my bed. If that makes sense.

Genuinely, what do you get out of this relationship? Not quality time, support or shared experiences that's for sure.

Have you sat down and explained properly that you feel lonely and want more quality time?

Cock lodger?

Everything you've written in your opening post!

You don't have to have a good reason to end a relationship. Not being happy is a good enough one.

This is not a relationship.
Bin him and then you have the chance to be with someone who wants to be with you. He doesn't. That's why he spends as much time as possible at classes or on the computer.

He's also basically telling you that he'd rather lose money than be around you. I'd really listen.

Gamed til 5, I went to pick dc up. Now he’s fallen asleep on the couch. Perfect start to another lonely weekend

how do I even start this conversation with him?

@tomorrowsfishandchips I'd have told him to pick up the kids! Don't put up with this - you are worth so much more.

You’ve tried that a million times. Not worth your time. https://www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

Scrolling through his phone? Making dinner for himself? Falling asleep at 11 pm? .. You choose 🤷

You've made it abundantly clear that I am not a priority in your life. I am not happy with you and you're not happy with me. I want a divorce.

ETA: As Perrie Edwards sings in one of her songs "he can't do the basics and that shit"s essential"
Give it a listen, it's called 'if he wanted to he would'

Emotional Neglect!

You aren’t happy in this relationship @tomorrowsfishandchips and that’s all the reason you need to end it.

What does he say when you say:

I don't want to live like this. Big changes need to happen. You need to give up the classes and we need to spend time together or we're not going to last because I don't want to live like this?

If he says you are controlling say:

I'm just telling you this is not how I want to live. I am lonely and it's pointless. I'd be happier on my own than like this. You can choose to make changes or not that's up to you. But I'm telling you I won't continue living like this.

You then keep having the conversation despite him trying to shut it down or make you feel unreasonable. You bring it up every week for a few months making it clear that if nothing is changing you won't continue to live this way.

Then if things continue to look like they'll never change despite your clear requests, tell him he made his choice and you are separating.

Not building a life with you. Not wanting to build a life with you.

As you, yourself, put it, a housemate with benefits. Who has built a life for himself that doesn't include you. That is enough.

Sounds more like a husband with zero benefits. You didn’t mention a single positive thing about him so what do you actually get out of the relationship?

It sounds like he responded badly to an ultimatum - I dont think telling him it was not worth doing was a good approach, you would be better to focus on your needs and how you can work together to get them met. Most hobbies arent really 'worth doing' when you boil them down - except that we enjoy them and it is a pleasant thing to do.

The compromise would seem to be he does less evenings and makes more effort when he is home. But from what you are saying, it does not sound like he is amenable to any compromise at all.

How do you start? "This is not working for me DH - we need to talk about where our relationship is going because at the moment, I feel very lonely and isolated and I cannot carry on like this. I would really like to talk about how we take this forward. "

You need to stop wanting anything from him. All your energy that you’re worrying about your DH, pour into yourself and your child . Do exercise, get a nice hair cut and clothes and a bit of make up, head out. Get your son on play dates with friends and tell him you’re off out into town- make him notice and wonder. This will either boost your confidence so you can leave him, or will make him come running back as you’re showing you like and respect yourself regardless of his behaviour and that’s a very sexy quality - he’ll notice not being the centre of your planet. It’s win win.

whose is the house? whose is the car? whose is the dc? or are there more than just one child involved? are you actually married?
has he always done this expensive sports-coaching hobby? (for 5 nights a week?) or has the time increased over the years? how did you get together in the first place if he was always busy with these 'young kids'/teens?
what would you like to spend more time doing in your life?
why not start doing it now? - don't wait for him!

Write him a letter outlining everything you've said here.

Sorry, not sure I'm seeing any benefits here. What does he bring to your relationship exactly? Why are you still with him?

The fact he's a selfish prick maybe?

This has nothing to do with work! He's choosing something e ery single weeknight so he's not home First of all the activity itself and then at least another hour "talking to parents".

OP he knows exactly how to shut you down so the status quo remains, doesn't he? Next time he accuses you of being controlling etc, ask him why he doesn't care about you, doesn't care that you're miserable? And just keep repeating the same questions over and over. I'll bet it really pisses him off.

I also recommend booking yourself a weekend away, making plans with friends, and getting out a bit more. Take up a new hobby. It'll make things easier when you do eventually leave him.

Your joking right
Don't say your supporting him financially..
Omg
How have you got yourself in to such a dreadful situation...I'm not even going to dignify it by calling it a relationship.
He's using you ..for god sake dum the user .get him out of your life ,he's a user and I bet he pays no attention to your child ..unless it's in front of other parents

My ex husband was habitually late, same as yours, up to 40 minutes late if picking me up. Couldn’t get himself organised to do anything, I’d have to lie to him about times to make sure we got to places on time. I absolutely can’t tolerate lateness now. I don’t care what the excuse, it’s a reflection on the importance they place on you.
The other stuff, life is too short to feel so unimportant in your own marriage.