My husband is more like my housemate with benefits

[tomorrowsfishandchips]

I’m at my wits end with DH. I don’t know if it’s a case of me being very highly strung in or him being totally thoughtless.

He has a way of being late to everything.

He teaches small kids a sport nearly every weeknight. The class will finish at 8. He says I’ll be back at 8:15 (the place is a 5 minute drive). But will regularly get back at 9/930. When he’s late he’ll say “I was just chatting to the parents/kids”

If I ask him to pick me up from anywhere (he needs the car for his job so he has it mostly) he is anywhere between 20 and 40 minutes late.

As I’m at work 8am-6pm every week day, and he’s in his role from 9am-3pm and then 5pm-8pm with the classes, we rarely have any time together in the evenings.

When he does get home, he will scroll on his phone, make dinner (for himself as I’ve eaten) and then fall asleep around 11pm.

Weekends are jam packed with kids stuff. I have a DC from a previous marriage and he is with us every weekend (plus 5 weekdays). DC will be with us every day at the weekend, which whilst I absolutely love, doesn’t give us much time together as a couple.

Weekend evenings he teaches a class again (Friday) and when Saturday comes he’ll be exhausted and fall asleep at 9/10pm.

I just feel really lonely, and to be honest, a little needy. I’ve asked him to talk to me instead of being on his phone but he says “I’m not allowed to do anything!” and gets annoyed.

Tonight he has cancelled his class because he got football tickets to go to a match with his friend. Again, fine, but nothing like this ever gets arranged for us.

I just feel so sad and like I’m just living with someone who sleeps in my bed. If that makes sense.

@tomorrowsfishandchips How certain are you that he is where he says he is? Just that it sounds a little bit suspicious if he's that late every single night and also, a class for little kids every night with an 8pm finish? I'm not so sure. I smell a rat. Plus always being on his phone?

I understand having a chat with parents after a class now and again but every night? Are all the parents queuing up at the end of every session, wanting a natter?! No, they're not! So what's he doing between 8-9-9.30 pm after he's finished teaching?? Most would say a quick hello and want to go home with their child ASAP. You need a serious talk with your husband. You could have some time in the evening, if he came home by 8.15 pm. He's choosing to come home late, scroll on his phone and then moan when you want to spend some time together. It's not an unreasonable request, to want to spend time with your spouse!!

What sport does he teach every single weeknight from 5-8? Are the small children attending this class every day for 3 hours?

I really don't think he's telling the truth 😕

I don’t suspect him of anything untoward tbh. He teaches the classes to kids aged 14/15 ish. I’ve have helped at a few of these classes before and he does seem to natter away to kids and parents at the end.

I just feel so incredibly lonely. I feel like we’re passing ships. Whenever I want to do something I feel like a needy teenager.

Im actually really unwell at the moment and on antibiotics so it stung when he cancelled class to go out but not to stay with me.

He's not a housemate with benefits, he's a burden.

I agree, there could be lots of innocent explanations - but it does not make it ok. What does he say when you tell him how unhappy this makes you?

@tomorrowsfishandchips I'm a bit confused. You said in your original post your husband teaches small kids the sport? But then you say they're 14/15?

You dont need to justify.

If you're unhappy, thats enough of a reason.

You're allowed to end ANY relationship just because you want too.... you dont have to justify anything.

@tomorrowsfishandchips was he always like this or have his extra activities increased over time?

If you calmly sat him down and said you felt so lonely and unloved and like he was just someone that shared a bed and home with you but offered you none of the love and support you used to get from him (did you ever?) what would his reaction be?

Nothing will Change without a conversation. If that doesn’t help could you try therapy or couples counselling? If that doesn’t work and he doesn’t repairing his relationship with you as a priority - at what point do you say ‘enough’? What’s your line in the sand?

@tomorrowsfishandchips You said he coaches small kids. 14/15 yo kids are not small kids. Also seems odd he cancels his class last minute to go to a match with a friend. Plus so much phone use and the fact he never seems to want to go out as a couple. That would be ringing little alarm bells to me.

There are few different issues here- him being consistently late, him taking the car presumably leaving you stuck at home, him working every evening and falling asleep early when he’s not working.
You say he is teaching small kids, but then talk about teenagers, so presumably he is only staying late chatting after some of the classes, not all of them.
I think I’d tell him that him working every evening and then falling asleep early isn’t working for you, and ask him to drop the classes at least 2 evenings a week.
You don’t say how old your DS is, but if he is old enough to leave for a few hours, you could go out( maybe to class) at least once a week, or go out to see friends. If he is younger, presumably you’ll be spending time with him getting him ready for bed, playing with him etc. Realistically,you wouldn’t be spending much time chatting to DH till after DS is in bed anyway.
Youre feeling unwell right now and so would like a bit more support, but you can’t really expect him to cancel teaching a regular class because you don’t feel well. It sounds like the football was a one- off special event.
So tell him you want the car ( whose car is it?) because he hasn’t been reliable picking you up and you don’t want to be standing around waiting, and you will be taking it at least half the time going forward. Tell him you’d like him to cancel teaching at least half the sessions, and that you’d like him to be more present. Get some more interests of your own so that you’re not so dependent on him for entertainment.
Some people would find your current setup fine, giving you both a fair amount of time to follow independent needs and wishes, but some people need more entwined lives. You’re not right or wrong for wanting things to be different. As a couple, you both have the right to seek fulfilment, and some compromise from both of you is going to be necessary. It does sound a bit one- sided right now.

He's a selfish loser that couldn't care less about you.
You are an appliance.
Misread, it is your child.
He has no interest in family life.
Is it better financially for him if you house share?

You need to rethink your choices.
Stop allowing him to live like a single man.

Today’s tipped me over the edge. I’m on annual leave as I had an event this morning (that I had to attend even when I was unwell)

came home at 12pm, DH follows home at 1230. Straight to his computer where he’ll stay playing video games until school pick up. And then off to classes again tonight.

@tomorrowsfishandchips Who is picking up the kids today?

Actually my foster son goes to a football class on Tuesdays. I have to wait because have another DC in a later class with different coach but I do see foster sons football coach chatting to parents and kids he coaches for over half an hour or so every Tuesday, so it does happen. He is just very enthusiastic about the football. He chats to the kids he coaches about a local football team they all seem to support.

I can't quite work out from your OP how many kids you have and whether you have joint children but it's clear that he has 100% checked out of your relationship.

Arrange an evening out or write him a letter laying it all out. He can choose to continue on the way he is, but it will end in divorce.

@caringcarer Every Tuesday is not every day though?

When someone said dump him, and you said why? This is why. He doesn't seem to have any interest in your actual relationship. Does he need, financially, to work every evening or is it just more interesting than being with you? Does he need to be on his computer all afternoon or is it just more fun than being with you? This isn't a you problem, it's a him problem but if he won't talk about it, you have nothing you can do but put up with it or get shut of him.

How old is your DC and how long have you been married? I ask because if your DC is living with you full time then even if your DH is not their biological father I would think he should play an important part in their life and spend time with your DC - you’re not really a family unit if he does not.

Yes but this coach works other nights too and I suspect he chats to the kids after most matches. He's just very friendly.

He actually makes a loss on the classes he runs because he’s awful with money. So it doesn’t contribute anything financial to us. He just enjoys it and says it helps “build his profile in the sport”.

I’ve tried before to say it’s not worth doing but he said I was controlling, jealous and can’t tell him what to do

The more you say, the worse he sounds, and yet you need people to explain their reasons for saying 'dump him'

Why is your bar so low?

Does he pay his way or are you financially carrying him?

With everything you write he just sounds worse and worse so it is utterly baffling why you wrote ‘why?’ When the first posters suggested the blindingly obvious ‘dump him.’