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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH sbould give up work

93 replies

Anewname123 · 23/10/2025 17:34

DH has a serious health issue which meant he has had to take a huge drop in income in the past 3 years. But works full time office based. Its taking a huge toll on his health to stay in work. He gets PIP. Is on about 15 tablets a day to manage his health and goes to sleep at 8.30 every night as work tires him out.

We have two SEN children and can not use childcare, after school club will not take us, neither will childminders. Constant weekly meetings with both schools and therapy, appointments etc.

I have been work from home for the past three years. I am the higher earner by 3 x. I have been offered jobs at double my salary but can't take them as I would have to go into the office. I can't as currently I am juggling pick ups and appointments for the kids. I usually pick them up then carry on working at home while they watch TV. Not ideal for them and I am slacking at work becuase of this.

I have been offered promotions but I can't find time to do the extra work or networking events needed to be able to do this.
DH has been looking for alternate home based jobs for a year but can not find anything that covers what we need.
I have been really reticent to go to one income, and be the breadwinner. But it's jist becoming too much to carry on as we are.

Life is pretty shit, DH is always tired, I am exhausted, kids arent getting any full attention, I am struggling keeping up with juggling full time work and being the SAHM parent at the same time.
No family help.
Would it be that bad if DH gave up work? And I concentrated on my career as I know I can earn pretty much double if I focus and go back to full time office.
Anyone else have a stay at home dad arrangement? Does it work?
No actually married, but been together a long time. Both dcs are ours. No other kids involved. What would be fair to both of us in this scenario?

OP posts:
Nestynoo · 23/10/2025 17:38

would it be bad?

what do you mean?

and he wants to?

SamphiretheTervosaur · 23/10/2025 17:39

You could at least have that discussion with specific outcomes, like getting together timetables, facts, figures etc

He needs to consider stopping work for his own sake. You need to gain some respiste for your own sake. You both need to discuss the options, whether you like them or not.

What happens next has to be a joint decision.

Best of luck

Original poster
Anewname123 · 23/10/2025 17:41

Nestynoo · 23/10/2025 17:38

would it be bad?

what do you mean?

and he wants to?

For me, would it be bad to have one stay at home parent and that one parent is him. He thinks its a good idea. Im not so sure it will work out for the best.

OP posts:
PennywisePoundFoolish · 23/10/2025 17:43

It sounds like the set-up would work well, but, I'd want to be very sure you won't still be doing the majority of the appointments etc, including being the one to be arranging/dealing with school etc. And, as you aren't married, then I'd be telling your husband to be a bit cautious.

GoodStuffAnnie · 23/10/2025 17:44

I was a sahp for 10 years. Loved it. House ran like a dream. Dinner on the table every night. Kids all read with. Everyone calm and happy. Of course there are downsides. But sometimes you just have to deal with the now. If I were you I would do this in a heartbeat. My only worry would be is your dh competent at doing everything you do- will he get to all appointments etc.

Mischance · 23/10/2025 17:44

How much can he manage to do at home with his illness?

Sirzy · 23/10/2025 17:44

Would it be realistic for him to be able to manage the school runs etc with his health issues?

I don’t think him cutting down on work for the sake of his health is a bad thing but stopping altogether to take on another big load may not be feasible.

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/10/2025 17:44

Would he be happy to be a SAHP? Would his health allow it?

I think it can work but only if he is happy to do it and only if he accepts that the childcare, appointments, house etc will be largely his responsibility. My concern would be that he thinks it will just mean him chilling at home and not doing much of anything all whilst you increase your work but still end up doing the majority.

I'm the breadwinner too and ultimately, having a SAHP would be a very last resort. I really wouldn't want it at all.

Original poster
Anewname123 · 23/10/2025 17:45

PennywisePoundFoolish · 23/10/2025 17:43

It sounds like the set-up would work well, but, I'd want to be very sure you won't still be doing the majority of the appointments etc, including being the one to be arranging/dealing with school etc. And, as you aren't married, then I'd be telling your husband to be a bit cautious.

I am wondering to get married to give us both the security. Either way we have been through so much together and our main focus and efforts are the children and securing things for them.

OP posts:
Nestynoo · 23/10/2025 17:46

Anewname123 · 23/10/2025 17:41

For me, would it be bad to have one stay at home parent and that one parent is him. He thinks its a good idea. Im not so sure it will work out for the best.

Show quote history

Ok so now you need to elaborate on why you think it would be “bad”

Original poster
Anewname123 · 23/10/2025 17:47

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/10/2025 17:44

Would he be happy to be a SAHP? Would his health allow it?

I think it can work but only if he is happy to do it and only if he accepts that the childcare, appointments, house etc will be largely his responsibility. My concern would be that he thinks it will just mean him chilling at home and not doing much of anything all whilst you increase your work but still end up doing the majority.

I'm the breadwinner too and ultimately, having a SAHP would be a very last resort. I really wouldn't want it at all.

Edited

He is actually the clean and tidy freak out of us both. And hes the better cook. He reckons he could keep a good house as a sahd and has said that he would prefer to put the energy he does have into the house and kids.

OP posts:
londongirl12 · 23/10/2025 17:48

I read your post as though you want him to do this.

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/10/2025 17:48

Anewname123 · 23/10/2025 17:47

He is actually the clean and tidy freak out of us both. And hes the better cook. He reckons he could keep a good house as a sahd and has said that he would prefer to put the energy he does have into the house and kids.

Show quote history

What are your reservations? Is it because traditionally, women tend to be the SAHP?

Coconutter24 · 23/10/2025 17:50

Anewname123 · 23/10/2025 17:41

For me, would it be bad to have one stay at home parent and that one parent is him. He thinks its a good idea. Im not so sure it will work out for the best.

Show quote history

Your OP made it sound like he wasn’t willing to give up work and you wanted him to!
Why are you hesitant about the idea?

Izzywizzy85 · 23/10/2025 17:52

From your post here, it’s an absolute no brainer. Seems it would solve many of your problems!

Lennonjingles · 23/10/2025 17:52

You are both parents, so either can stay at home to look after DC, you don’t say how old but presume over 5. It sounds a good idea all round.

CusionFort · 23/10/2025 17:54

I think this really depends on how his health condition effects him, and whether it's likely to impact his ability to do the things you currently do the kids. With his condition, would he be able to do the pick ups, drop offs, appointments etc consistently? Could he take some leave to trial it?

Original poster
Anewname123 · 23/10/2025 17:55

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/10/2025 17:48

What are your reservations? Is it because traditionally, women tend to be the SAHP?

Show quote history

Yes, partly this. Would I be resentful?

OP posts:
PennywisePoundFoolish · 23/10/2025 17:55

Is it him being viewed as the primary carer that has you feeling reluctant? Would you struggle to pull back on being the one dealing with schools? Would he be proactive about appointments/DLA forms/SEN reviews etc etc

My 4 DC are autistic. I've has periods of being a SAHM. DH is self-employed in a trade. I work part-time nights now, needed the money and also got a bit tired of the dynamics with DH being the breadwinner and worried about my pension. What works for family may not for another, and that can change. I thought as my DC got older I'd be able to work more. It really hasn't worked out that way...

SleepQuest33 · 23/10/2025 17:55

I would be concerned about his long term financial stability.

you should get married to make sure he’s protected and shoukd something happen to you he doesn’t have issues re finances.

Can you find support for your DC? How severe are their SEN? Im worried your DH will find it exhausting being their sole carer, particularly if he has health issues himself (my oldest DS has Sen so I know how exhausting it is).

themerchentofvenus · 23/10/2025 17:55

Anewname123 · 23/10/2025 17:41

For me, would it be bad to have one stay at home parent and that one parent is him. He thinks its a good idea. Im not so sure it will work out for the best.

Show quote history

Why? It sounds very sensible and what most families do, especially if he wants to.

Ooogle · 23/10/2025 17:56

It sounds like the ideal solution especially if he is willing to do the housework and the cooking. Then he’s home if the kids need him, he’s not so exhausted and you are able to go for your promotion. When you come home from work, you won’t have to do household chores and he has more quality of life. I can’t see why you wouldn’t want this option, it seems better for everyone?

TheendofmrY · 23/10/2025 17:56

I would advise anyone against giving up work without the financial security of marriage. But if you were married I’d say that absolutely sounds like it would be the best option for the quality of life of the whole family.

MID50s · 23/10/2025 17:57

Anewname123 · 23/10/2025 17:47

He is actually the clean and tidy freak out of us both. And hes the better cook. He reckons he could keep a good house as a sahd and has said that he would prefer to put the energy he does have into the house and kids.

Show quote history

Absolutely go for it if he has said he’s willing!

SunnyDolly · 23/10/2025 17:57

Friends of mine have a similar set up in that he is the SAHD as she was out earning him by a lot, and had to commute to an office (along with a big move). It works really well for them, she enjoys coming home to chores all being done so they can all just enjoy the evenings together. As far as I can tell he really enjoys it too!