To think DH sbould give up work

[Anewname123]

DH has a serious health issue which meant he has had to take a huge drop in income in the past 3 years. But works full time office based. Its taking a huge toll on his health to stay in work. He gets PIP. Is on about 15 tablets a day to manage his health and goes to sleep at 8.30 every night as work tires him out.

We have two SEN children and can not use childcare, after school club will not take us, neither will childminders. Constant weekly meetings with both schools and therapy, appointments etc.

I have been work from home for the past three years. I am the higher earner by 3 x. I have been offered jobs at double my salary but can't take them as I would have to go into the office. I can't as currently I am juggling pick ups and appointments for the kids. I usually pick them up then carry on working at home while they watch TV. Not ideal for them and I am slacking at work becuase of this.

I have been offered promotions but I can't find time to do the extra work or networking events needed to be able to do this.
DH has been looking for alternate home based jobs for a year but can not find anything that covers what we need.
I have been really reticent to go to one income, and be the breadwinner. But it's jist becoming too much to carry on as we are.

Life is pretty shit, DH is always tired, I am exhausted, kids arent getting any full attention, I am struggling keeping up with juggling full time work and being the SAHM parent at the same time.
No family help.
Would it be that bad if DH gave up work? And I concentrated on my career as I know I can earn pretty much double if I focus and go back to full time office.
Anyone else have a stay at home dad arrangement? Does it work?
No actually married, but been together a long time. Both dcs are ours. No other kids involved. What would be fair to both of us in this scenario?

It would work, if he actually does all the stuff a stay at home parent does, but if just sits around on his arse & expects you still do as much then you will end up divorcing him.

For some, possibly men in particular(?), not working, not doing their bit (or feeling that), not outwardly supporting their family means that have lost their identity and are just spongers.

They aren't but it's an ingrained social thing.

I've definitely come across this from complete strangers while out and about, and in a job interview I had in 2021 the hiring manager actually said to me that the owner would be very suspicious about him shortlisting a SAHD (which is probably why he ghosted me immediately after).

However, the only one within my own social circle who thinks this is my BIL who never tires of the opportunity to say it out loud, but he's an odious, misogynistic self-deluded cunt anyway and I have as little to do with him and my own sister as possible. Anyone else who thought this would be extremely unlikely to be my friend in the first place.

Do you live in an area where your children are the only children with SEN??

Whats your actual problem?

Suggest your partner asks for a sabbatical from work for a month to try it out - they might say no, but if they agree you get to try out having him at home.

As he's been working full time he will have paid enough National Insurance contributions for ESA which is a contribution based benefit. He probably wants to get on with claiming it before April next year (when changes to entitlement start to happen AIUI) if he's going to.

Additionally consider if he'd be so isolated at home that he'd want to stay at work part time.

Slightly different because your DH has an illness and also a very controversial thing to say but.... I am the breadwinner by 3x and I don't like it. I simply don't find the beta male thing attractive and DH has no motivation to do better because I earn so much more. It's a problem.

Similar situation here and I persuaded DP to give up work. Scary at first but it's been working for years now. He does pretty much everything. I work, sort out car stuff and do shopping on the way home. Can't remember the last time I dusted or hoovered. His health is deteriorating again so I'm starting to do a bit more but am older now and can afford to reduce my hours accordingly.

Tbf OP, you do say that in your local area no clubs will accept your children, not even after school clubs.

Thst is, well, rather unusual

Personally I can’t see how a man in very poor health (15 tablets a day… all prescription meds?) who collapses in bed at 8.30 every night and is barely functioning doing his office job is going to be a particularly successful stay at home parent to children with such serious SENs that no local after school clubs will accept them

No, op says they’ve tried them and they’ve never worked out for her kids. The clubs will accept them but the Op’s children can’t cope with the environment and the clubs don’t have the capacity/training to offer a 1-2-1 for her child/ren.

Have you tried a SEN nanny OP? And a cleaner a few times a week?
This could help your DP.

No, this is what was said

I have also tried other club, lego, science, football after school clubs. These have also said they can not facilitiate my childrens needs.

I think you should definitely go for this option. Just make it clear to DP that the children, house and food will be his responsibility. He will get more rest when they are at school than he would working so will cope better. You will only have to concentrate on your job so shoukd not feel so exhausted.

You will need to let go of the mental load and the micromanaging for this to work. You will need to make sure he has access to money and the disposable income that he had before.
You have to remember why you are doing this...for both your health. So what if the hoovering is on a Wednesday instead of a Tuesday.......he will be in charge of the house...let it go.

Is he aware of ALL the "jobs" which are within the SAHP role? Do a spreadsheet with EVERYTHING typed onto it
Make sure he knows what the role involves......is he going to continue to sit them in front of tech even though he doesn't need to?

Would he continue to get PIP if he's not working

If you get married you are protecting HIM financially not you (just wanted to say that)

Atm you're working from home and doing lots of childcare. When you have a more demanding job and can't get involved in childcare because there is no time, how will you feel?

My DH was mainly a stay at home parent, when my DS was only little. I did get annoyed when arriving home after work that some things were untidy, but kept it to myself. Some days DH would do everything, some days things were left. OP you will have to accept that on days your DH isn’t feeling great, that the housework might not be up to your standard or that you may have to cook or get a takeaway, but it still seems the best outcome. Re money, how old is DH, if over 55, can he access his pension, if not open a joint account and pay in some money each month for him, if you don’t want to share everything.

If he becomes the stay at home dad and has your tea ready and house clean and laundry done plus pick up children, you could go to work, earn the wage and not be run ragged - he could rest for his health = WIN WIN My friend did this 30 years ago - Do what's best for you and your family.

I like the suggestion others have made - take the promotion but use the extra income to fund a SEN nanny and possibly a cleaner/ housekeeper role to help around the house. I think once the children are used to the nanny and with it always being the same person, they could start to respond well.

You'll resent him if he gives up work. Just how we're made unfortunately.