To think DH sbould give up work

[Anewname123]

DH has a serious health issue which meant he has had to take a huge drop in income in the past 3 years. But works full time office based. Its taking a huge toll on his health to stay in work. He gets PIP. Is on about 15 tablets a day to manage his health and goes to sleep at 8.30 every night as work tires him out.

We have two SEN children and can not use childcare, after school club will not take us, neither will childminders. Constant weekly meetings with both schools and therapy, appointments etc.

I have been work from home for the past three years. I am the higher earner by 3 x. I have been offered jobs at double my salary but can't take them as I would have to go into the office. I can't as currently I am juggling pick ups and appointments for the kids. I usually pick them up then carry on working at home while they watch TV. Not ideal for them and I am slacking at work becuase of this.

I have been offered promotions but I can't find time to do the extra work or networking events needed to be able to do this.
DH has been looking for alternate home based jobs for a year but can not find anything that covers what we need.
I have been really reticent to go to one income, and be the breadwinner. But it's jist becoming too much to carry on as we are.

Life is pretty shit, DH is always tired, I am exhausted, kids arent getting any full attention, I am struggling keeping up with juggling full time work and being the SAHM parent at the same time.
No family help.
Would it be that bad if DH gave up work? And I concentrated on my career as I know I can earn pretty much double if I focus and go back to full time office.
Anyone else have a stay at home dad arrangement? Does it work?
No actually married, but been together a long time. Both dcs are ours. No other kids involved. What would be fair to both of us in this scenario?

I would definitely do a trial of one year, where either of you can flag things at three and six months. Have proper review meetings at those points and keep working together on how your family dynamic is meeting the needs of everyone.

Well maybe you’ve got your answer then. What are you specifically worried about?
If you are happy together and own your home just get married as it will protect whoever outsurvives the other in terms of not having to sell up to pay IHT (assuming you are in that bracket).

in your position I wouldn’t hesitate - I’d be more inclined to hesitate from his position as it leaves him very vulnerable if anything happened to you.

it can’t hurt to try it out for a period. You can agree to review things regularly.

if he is getting PIP he will continue to get that as it’s not based on income - it’s not a benefit as such.
it might be just the breather you both need. No point in both of you being knackered. Yes SEN kids is hard work, the appointments and paperwork, don’t help but on the whole it’s more flexible than 8 hours a day at a desk and much easier to deal with as a SAHP than while trying to work.

Good luck. Parents like us survive the best way we can, and have done so for years.

Makes sense that he stays at home and does all the childcare and home admin, and you throw yourself fully into work and bring in as much money as you can to support everyone.
Sounds like a good idea to me.

As I was a higher earner, my DH was a SAHD until his health condition became debilitating to the point I needed to try and work AND do the kids and house stuff.

I think it's really important to try and figure out what he is genuinely able to do at home, as if for example you took a promotion and it turned out he couldn't cope, you may be in a difficult situation job-wise.

Is there a compromise of him going part time? Maybe working from home? (Commuting can add to the fatigue). Might make it feel less scary to start with.

My daughter and her husband do exactly this. It works fantastically for them. Her husband does all of the cooking, lifts for children and most of the domestic chores. It's great for the kids and they as a couple are happy with the situation so it's a perfect set up that works well.

For his security I'd suggest you get married. Can you afford to add to a pension at all for him?

I have friends with this set-up, it works well but only if you're both open and discuss properly in advance. Then keep checking with each other along the way that you're still happy.

I'm so sorry to hear about DH 😢

To me it seems like a complete no brainer.

i don't quite understand why you're hesitant? What are you worried about?

I think you need to take your time deciding which jobs/promotions you apply for & make sure they're right for your situation, focus as much on your progression/job satisfaction as the £££ as it sounds like you're going to need to be as happy/ flexible /valued In that position as possible.

Once you're in a higher paying position I'd also be looking at finding someone the kids can get used to who can help out when/if necessary.

much love to you all xx

EDUT to add, I'm sure you're onto it, but make sure you have whatever insurances you can still get & when you get your better paid job, check out the best way to add to hus pension or yours.

I can understand your reservations but i think your current situation is untenable. It sounds like your DH being a SAHP would take a lot of pressure off your shoulders and make life easier for you both as well as increasing your household income. It sounds win-win.

I dont think you will feel resentful under these circumstances. Just now you are bearing the financial burden and the home burden. If your husband took the home burden off your shoulders, this would be a huge load lightened especially with SEN children.

I think as long as you make clear the expectations (ie husband has primary responsibility for childcare and house admin, etc), it could work really well. Maybe you could have a trial period?

Well frankly I'd be 'resentful' that his illness means our life wasn't what we had planned (as I'm resentful my illness has ruined my plan for my life) but not because he's not working iyswim.

if you LOVE him & he's ill, why would you resent him?

PLUS, depending on DH's illness/prognisis I think you'd be a fool not to climb the career ladder as much as you can now while he can look after the kids, then in the fire you'll be better placed to either have the money & flexibility to take on more again with the kids (shoukd he be unable to do it all) OR. Support hus return to work if his health allows it.

My DH works part-time, freelance at home while I do a significantly higher paid office-based job full time. He does the school runs, gets DC to activities and appointments, nearly all the cooking and generally runs the home. I do more of the family "mental load" stuff, often during lunchtime at work. Works brilliantly for us (I check in with him regularly on this as although no SEN or health issues, I think his responsibilities are harder). I also top up his SIPP so he has retirement funds in his own name even though mine are larger because of my job and I consider mine family money. I believe we contribute equally to our family.

If this works for you both and you feel you are sharing responsibilities equally overall, go for it.

I'm a SAHD (for different reasons) but I'm about to feed the kids and put them to bed while my wife stays late at the office.

I'll come back to this tomorrow when I can give you the decency of a full reply.

These coments are really reassuring. And lots of really good food for thought. Thank you all for commenting.
I think we would need to set out the expectations and clear responsibilities with such a big change. And finances. I have always wanted to keep separate finances being the higher earner. Which really isn't actually that fair in a marriage like partnership. I havent thought of adding to his pension too but this is a really good point.
I do think the current situation is untenable as PP have said. I am utterly exhausted and quite depressed as we have both been stuck in this current rut for a few years now and something does need to change, it seems like this could be the thing we should try.

He works all at sitting down in an office but is on his knees with exhaustion by the end of the day

and you think he’ll be an active SAHP to young SEN children?

One of my fears. But he has good days and bad days.

And that’s sitting in a chair all day

He seems like a terrible candidate to be a SAHP of young children especially with SEN

Would he like to be SAHP? If not, it’s not going to ever work.

I have been working, my DH the SAHP for many years. I have massively increased my salary in that time. It’s worked out pretty well.

When DC were small DH was SAHD and I was the earner. He's now got a term time role, we don't have the same complications of health needs and SEN you have. He's "default parent". It works well. We have joint finances and we are married, I wouldn't have it any other way. His contribution to our family is equal.

If your DC go to school I think you will need to accept he will need some of this time to rest as he sounds quite poorly. What will happen in the school holidays? I would imagine they will be challenging. His health conditions don't sound like something he can power through.

I think it’s a brilliant plan if you put everything in place properly - get married, sort out his pension, have great insurance just in case and make sure you keep talking about what is and isn’t working.

really you can’t continue on as you are so worth trying anything else. I wish you all luck with it all

We have had to do something similar. My husband developed chronic fatigue syndrome whilst i was pregnant with our second child. He was fired during the probation period of his last job, mainly we think because of the time off work he took due to his condition.

We are fortunate that i earn enough that we can just about manage on my wage (with strict belt tightening). We have always had joint finances which makes it an easier adjustment i think. He does some household tasks, and cares for our daughter on one day, but isn't able to do much more on a routine basis as he often needs to sleep in the day. I'm still doing the majority of tasks, especially when his fatigue flares. We have been doing this for six months now, and i think the amount he does has slowly increased as it becomes more routine.

We didn't have a choice in doing this, but the stuff that has been important was looking at insurance (what happens if i am no longer able to earn?), his pension (security for him), agreeing explicit expectations in advance of how this might change our household task balance.

I have never resented this (though i wish his health was better and we could enjoy him as he would wish to be). I think partly, his ability to do school drop off and pickups, be there if the kids need to be at home while unwell, do odd tasks, makes my life easier than it was when we were both working and neither of us had any slack.

Yes he actually really wants to try this set up.
How does it work with 'spending money' for a sahp? We have always had two incomes but I have always paid more but we have kept our own disposable incomes separate.
I am worried I will be a nag too, like what if I come home and theres no dinner one night for example. I wouldnt want to be like a reverse mysogynist man, demanding my dinner on the table when I arrive home, but equally I would expect that he has thought about it even if its to call me to bring a takeaway in as hes had a busy day with the kids.
I am interested in the workings of how it would actually work in practice as we have always been two full time working people.

I would have to make sure I don't say things like 'why isnt the hoovering done, had a nice day did you?' Like a 1950s working man with a housewife. But I am worried I might be thinking it If he doesnt hoover on the day we agreed for example. I think I would really have to have a level of acceptance that this is best for the children and the family as a whole.

Thank you and sorry to hear about your DH too. This sounds quite similar actually. I like the way you havent resented it. And found that it is actually beneficial to the family as a whole.

Sorry OP sounds like a disaster. Don't marry him, you'll get rinsed if you divorce and you need that money for your special needs kids.

He should carry on working. You take the promotions and use the money for childcare, someone young and fit who can do fun stuff with your kids.

If he's not working he'll have no incentive to look after his health and you'll just then have a sick husband and may end up paying for childcare anyway.

Look after yourself and your kids.

I would think that he would have to rest and not do housework, cooking etc when the children are at school if working a desk job is making him so exhausted. Which would mean that he would mostly just be doing the school drop off and pick up, if that was manageable for him (does he drive?), and whatever appointments/meetings that are needed for the children.

Would having double your salary, but not his work income, mean you could afford to get a cleaner and outsource other tasks so that neither of you have to do them?

I went with yanbu as I thought you were saying it was a good idea and he didn't want to. Yes of course he should, especially with his health he may be forced to give up in the near future anyway. If you're the main earner and have lots more earning potential I don't understand what the concern is. It seems to boil down to the fact he's a man, and that is ridiculous