Cancelling friends at short notice because of a better offer is very rude...

[CarmellaSopranosKitchen]

Maybe I'm out of sync - maybe this is how we all socialise - but I'm interested in others' view points. If I make an arrangement to see friends - especially if it's been booked months ago and they've booked a babysitter - then I'd not cancel if I got a better offer to go out..elsewhere
I understand illness/ crisis and a surprise Uncle Rodney's 90th birthday party - but just wanting to rearrange because erm they've decided to do something else is really rude. Suddenly we've got a baby sitter booked (expensive and a rare treat), but all our ususal friends are now booked up, as are the best restuarants. It is also too late for a quick weekend away. Am I wrong to feel actually angry or should I be more chill... I actually put off other friends seeing us because of this. I won't cancel the babysitter - but am I unreasaonable to be very cross.

This literally happened to me yesterday - no apologies - just - I haven’t seen them in a while so I’m going to a different event with them instead. Fuckwit.

Hi op I def find people flaky now or quick to pull out of plans. Its disheartening

YANBU. I wouldn't make any other plans with these 'friends' that require any expense such as a babysitter.

How did they word their decline?

I had a friend pull out of my 30th birthday celebration because she got a better offer. She gave me some cock and bull excuse on the day but I found out the truth from someone else.

Some people are flaky and selfish, and I think they're probably not worth your time. You're not unreasonable at all to be pissed off

I wouldn't make arrangements with them again.
I would be very pissed off with such rudeness.
Try and not waste the babysitter and do something nice just the two of you.

I know she's on here - so I don;t want to say exactly. It was just breezy...let's rearrange. What annoys me - is she obviously made this new plan some time ago, and if she had checked earlier then I could have had a chance of doing something nice this weekend.
We've had this day booked since the summer...I'm so cross.
I find it so so rude, and that expectation that you are then going to offer them another prized Saturday. I have other friends I have put off seeing because of this, and teacher friends who wanted to stay as it is the start of their half term, and I said no because of this event.
I'm really cross. I think it might be hormonal too. But my husband is really cross and disappointed too.

No YANBU, this is really frustrating and not on. DSis does this all the bloody time and then goes around the family telling them how hurt and upset she is that I never agree to plans anymore. Why bother when the chance of her actually following through is almost zero?!

I'd make it known you're annoyed. It is rude. If you've agreed to do something, you do it.

Not on - selfish behaviour.
It happened to us a couple of times. The person in question proved to be selfish in other ways, too, and best avoided.

Thank you so far. You've made me feel better. I find it so selfish..I bend myself backwards to accommodate people. But I suppose if they are never cancelled on then they don;t know how annoying it is. I had a long planned lunch with a friend in the summer, and then she suddenly couldnt do it - as she'd booked teeth whitening on that day and got huffy with me when I wouldn't change plans to the next day. She had her teeth whitened and we didn't meet up.

I think some people are so self obsessed. Oh I've been invited to this other nice thing I'll rearrange Carmella.
But if I go on at this rate I will have binned the majority of my friends.

Agree, it's appalling behaviour. Don't get me wrong, I can well relate to the disappointment of having agreed to a mildly pleasant event only to recieve an 11th hour chance to go to a more fun and exciting one, but that's life, isn't it? We all have the choice to keep our diaries free and gamble for the star prize, but once you've agreed to walk away with the deep fat fryer and the cuddly toy, you just have to 'take a look at what you could have won' with good grace.

Interestingly some people think I'm unreasonable...but have not said why? I guess they cancel people.

No, they’re being completely unreasonable. Illness / other emergencies happen, of course, but just to turn you down for a better offer is rude. I’d even think it was rude (although it would depend on what the alternative was) if they’d given you some notice, but at least you could have arranged things with different people in that scenario.

I wouldn’t be making arrangements with them again unless it’s very casual or with other people who aren’t going to cancel on you.

I wouldn't make plans with anyone who did this to me again.

An ex-colleague I meet occasionally has done it to me recently and I won't meet with her again.

I have also had family who have tried to blend the original plans with me in with their preferred - but later - offer. They probably view it as keeping everyone happy and ultimately it's selfish, rude and inconsiderate.

It amazes me that anyone would actually tell you that they have had a 'better' or (alternative) offer. I wouldn't do it anyway but to tell you is just so stupid. They have no class.

Dh completely cut contact with his mate over a cancellation. Friend is a teacher so had a half term off work and scheduled us in for a day during that week. Dh had booked a day off work, rearranged meetings, lots of meetings so that his mate, wife and kids could come here.

He cancelled because his Mum and Dad said they could visit for the week. Firstly, they visit and babysit all the time so this isn't a one off. Dh knows the parents well because they have been friends since secondary school. If the friend had said to his parents we are booked to see Collecting and her husband the parents would have just stayed at his house for the day.

Two things made it worse, one we cancelled a booked holiday of a lifetime to attend their wedding where Dh was best man but because friend is so unorganised he had lied to his wife (does this a lot) and told her it was all sorted when he hadn't even got round to asking Dh.

The main thing that tipped Dh over the edge with it all was our children are older than theirs and ours has spent time doing a seating plan and sorted through all their toys to find suitable ones for the youngest child. It was seeing their disappointed faces when we told them they weren't coming. He didn't even have the decency to tell us, I found out when I contacted his wife for dietary requirements 2 days before. He of course had told her he had been in touch, that would be that lying again. No apology from him so Dh said I am done.

Do they realise how scarce & precious your time off is?
Sometimes you have to hammer it home to them I've found.

Yeah that's annoying. I sometimes think it's not a great idea to arrange things too far in advance, as 'better offers' are more likely to knock out your plans (which may feel more disposable / provisional if arranged this way), but obvs you need fair notice when arranging babysitters and whatnot. So yanbu for sure.

Not new. I had this with my NCT group. Son is now 20! We were the only ones in the group not to have grown up in the area. Every other couple had parents, siblings, family on tap to babysit. We had no one locally so a big deal for us to both go out together. Every time they all cancelled last minute. One time I had declined a friend's birthday party as we'd already agreed to go out with the group. Needless to say I can't remember the last time I saw theml

To me this is the height of rudeness.

I agree it is very rude. I stress to DC how it's not nice to do this and if they do this they will end up with having no friends. I think you need to find nicer more reliable friends. I agree people might need to cancel in an emergency such as illness or death in family but not for a better offer.

I had a friend that did this to me a couple of times saying that her work or bf had arranged some thing last min - this was before I was a mum but Thursday and Friday nights are precious so I told her we couldn’t make any plans thueday-Saturday only on Mondays, unless she had written confirmation from both her boss and her bf that she was free that night.

My DC agreed to play a friendly cricket match for a small team who did not have any spare players. The following week a larger club wanted him to play for them permanently in the league but I told him he had already made a firm commitment to the small club and I had agreed to drive him to and fro the match but I wouldn't drive him to his better offer because it would let down the entire smaller team who I knew struggled to get enough players. He could play friendly match for smaller team as he had agreed and switch to larger league club after the match . He played for the smaller team and came home saying he was glad he did because everyone was so nice to him.

Awful.
i think this is like when women do all the life admin and kinkeeping for their families and they’re told just let the husband sort his own friends and family out, this is sadly what happens

The funniest (but also amazingly rude and annoying) was my friend who once said he couldn’t do our planned thing together because this was the first night he and his girlfriend had had a night where neither of them had anything on and they wanted to spend it together. Obviously plans with me didn’t count as anything.

It’s massively rude and selfish, especially when it’s involved organisation like getting a babysitter and I would be very hesitant to make future plans with people like that.

Feeling I am not alone. But it seems so common that we will all be friendless...

Can you just go without them?