Cancelling friends at short notice because of a better offer is very rude...

[CarmellaSopranosKitchen]

Maybe I'm out of sync - maybe this is how we all socialise - but I'm interested in others' view points. If I make an arrangement to see friends - especially if it's been booked months ago and they've booked a babysitter - then I'd not cancel if I got a better offer to go out..elsewhere
I understand illness/ crisis and a surprise Uncle Rodney's 90th birthday party - but just wanting to rearrange because erm they've decided to do something else is really rude. Suddenly we've got a baby sitter booked (expensive and a rare treat), but all our ususal friends are now booked up, as are the best restuarants. It is also too late for a quick weekend away. Am I wrong to feel actually angry or should I be more chill... I actually put off other friends seeing us because of this. I won't cancel the babysitter - but am I unreasaonable to be very cross.

This happened to me once and I never forgave the person concerned.

Friend asked if he could bring his gf and their friends around as they had been let down. "Dont worry we will bring wine and pizza." So I went to the cashpoint, bought more wine, fruit and cheese. Later same day friend rang to say its all off as his father had invited them out for a meal. It had not occured to him to tell his father they already made an arrangement. When I let him know how rudely he had behaved the excuse was "You have some very old fashioned ideas. The world is changing you know. Anyway we were bringing our own food" "Yes the world may be changing but good manners are never our of style".

Soon afterwards I received an invitation to his wedding. I deliberately changed days off with my deputy so she could attend a function. I could truthfully decline because I was working. No gift from me, not even a card.

Nah. I don't tolerate that sort of nonsense, and I have plenty of friends.

There are at least two piss-takers who I refuse to invite here.

My "friend" and I had arranged to meet this summer. I was half way through a 3 hour drive to get there when she cancelled. Thought it might have been to do with her child so I wasn't too put out. Later saw she just met up with another friend that day instead. I haven't made any effort with her since!

People are so flaky these days I’ve even had someone cancel on the day of a concert, that I was treating them to, with an absolute bullshit excuse they couldn’t even be honest and say they just couldn’t be bothered. It was in our own town so no travelling involved apparently I wasn’t understanding enough and our friendship didn’t recover.
On the other hand I had to cancel something last minute at the weekend because I had emergency surgery on the Friday morning, My friend was obviously absolutely fine about the cancellation but I felt guilty because it’s just not something that I would normally do.

YANBU- it's very selfish behaviour. Especially when people know full well you've had to make childcare arrangements which could cost money etc.

I had this before, got so sick of it that I have faded those flaky ones right out. Best thing I ever did- the friends that I have left now are ones who are lovely, reliable and caring.

Funny thing is, the flaky ones all suddenly started inviting me everywhere once they realised I was fading them. Too late I'm afraid.

One of my supposed best friends of 35 years cancelled coming to my 50th birthday to go wild water swimming. It's the 3rd important event she was supposed to be coming to and cancelled a few weeks before. She can't quite get why I don't want to make alternative plans.i was very hurt but it has made for some amusing jokes.

I absolutely love your analogy!

Most people are selfish and self-centred I’ve found…

I’ve had a doozy this week…. Have organised a weekend away, in another COUNTRY for my husbands big birthday… friends asked if they could come…
3 days before, just, sorry, made a hash of the flights, won’t make it afterall
im in shock I tell you!

This type of behaviour drives me mad. It’s so rude. But I do think some types of people just don’t mind being cancelled on as it excuses them to have a quiet night in. Which is often the reason they cancel on others, just don’t want to go out. So many people seem so antisocial these days.

I've had friends like this. Note 'had'. I was her if no one else was free friend or she would make arrangements, might just be a drink, maybe some food, and then another friend would make a better offer so she see them instead.

I have a friend who does this blending after firm plans have been made. It is very annoying. Eg come for dinner, we can go for a walk in the afternoon, and go out for brunch/lunch the next day. By the time the dinner comes we've been asked to arrive later afternoon ( so no walk) and told that Sue and Johney are coming for lunch so could we be gone by 10 so no brunch. So I make firm alternative plans around what I know the reality will be. And I feel better for doing that.

If someone did this to me i would never arrange anything with them again. It is narcissistic and selfish in the extreme.

I cannot stand the event blenders. Seems to happen to me all the time. A very demanding friend insisted I see her for drinks the next night so she could unleash more gory details of her separation from her DH….where I sit and listen and nod occasionally. I left work early, rearranged things and turned down another offer (important client event).

She arrived and said ‘so nice to see you Ponti but I’ve only got 45 minutes as Steve and I have the Smiths coming over for dinner but I didn’t want to let you down so I’ve squeezed you in’. What? You invited me out? Why make it seem like she’s the one doing me a favour? And why are you having cosy dinner parties with your STBXDH who is apparently a shit and whom you suspect is having an affair?

I always had something else on after that when she ‘needed to see me urgently’.

Similarly friends who pitch up and say ‘oh Katie is coming along too, she called me just now and wanted to meet so I said to come along as we were just having an informal catch up’. What? Who the fuck is Katie? Turns out Katie is a friend from a specialist hobby and is also having relationship woes so you spend all night listening to horse riding anecdotes and the poor behaviour of her DH who you’ve never met. Why the fuck has Katie’s needs trucked out our planned get together?

Yep really rude. Hate it plus the ‘I’ll let you know’ when trying to arrange something. No, commit (and stick to it) or don’t bother. I have better things to do than wait around on the off chance you decide to grace me with your presence.

I also ditch people like this and have plenty of friends. So there are good’uns out there!

I find what helps is not booking too far in advance, unless the other person is paying for a ticket, and then mentioning the event numerous times between planning and it happening. I think it’s mostly when you plan far in advance and then don’t check in until a few days before that these rude people cancel.

That may have been why they cancelled, because they were too tight to host.

I wouldn’t host them again.

I’ve got one - had a heart to heart with a friend who had just become a mum about how hard it is to maintain friendships with friends without kids. I said she still had me and we made plans to go and see the Barbie film together. I arranged childcare. She then texted a week before and said the friend who had caused the upset asked her to go a few days before and she knew this wouldn’t be convenient for me so she’d not only not invited me but traded our tickets for a different film with her husband. I must say I was rather put out at the time but now I find it funny, our friendship didn’t last much longer after this though 😂

There are two Mum’s in one of my groups of friends who do this constantly. We make plans, often many weeks in advance so we can find a date that works for everyone. And then they either just completely ignore all group messages the week of the meet up or message to say that they’ve been invited to a party/husband is going out instead/might be going away for the weekend. It’s so rude and annoying!

This! I agree Op & think you need new friends altogether as you deserve to be treated better.

I have this all the time. Pisses me off no end, then I wonder if I’m being paranoid.

My family do this and it’s really rude. The other thing they do is not commit to events (like what they’re doing over Christmas) in case they get a better offer. It’s really hurtful and makes me dig my heels in when they do suddenly ‘summon’ us.

Yeah it’s becoming more common and acceptable to just flake on people. People don’t stick to firm commitments anymore. If I have a night out booked with friends, I won’t just cancel because I have a better offer!
Maybe you should let your flaky friends know they’ve inconvenienced you and don’t just let them get away with it.
Friend: sorry can’t do the 24th anymore cos Tom that I’ve not seen in ages is in town just for that one night and I promised I’d see him. Can we rearrange?
You: we had this planned for months and I’ve went and arranged a babysitter so it’s not as easy as just rearranging.

This has recently happened to me for the second time with someone I classed as a good friend. Both times we were supposed to be going to something that was important to me. First time I went on my own but this last time I was so upset I didn’t go - regret that now - but I haven’t spoken to her since. We have tickets booked for something in December - I’ll try and get another ticket and go with someone else.

Why bother with her at all?