Cancelling friends at short notice because of a better offer is very rude...

[CarmellaSopranosKitchen]

Maybe I'm out of sync - maybe this is how we all socialise - but I'm interested in others' view points. If I make an arrangement to see friends - especially if it's been booked months ago and they've booked a babysitter - then I'd not cancel if I got a better offer to go out..elsewhere
I understand illness/ crisis and a surprise Uncle Rodney's 90th birthday party - but just wanting to rearrange because erm they've decided to do something else is really rude. Suddenly we've got a baby sitter booked (expensive and a rare treat), but all our ususal friends are now booked up, as are the best restuarants. It is also too late for a quick weekend away. Am I wrong to feel actually angry or should I be more chill... I actually put off other friends seeing us because of this. I won't cancel the babysitter - but am I unreasaonable to be very cross.

YANBU, it's very rude to cancel without a good reason. We had a friend who moved to the other end of the country and he would visit our area once a year. Every year we invited him for dinner and the evening and he would end up changing the day at the last minute, because he got another invitation. I always accommodated him. Last time it happened, the only nights he wanted to change to were not doable for me- one was the first night of an evening course, the other my friend from Australia was visiting and and I hadn't seen her for 10 years. Selfish friend went mad, said I should cancel my Australian friend's visit because he's more important. I told him where to go, we haven't spoken since, I don't miss him one bit!

If you've made plans then you stick to them its incredibly rude to bail for something different

I have severe social anxiety but I'll show my face if I said i was going to be there and just bob out early on

My ex decided to go on holiday with his friends instead of having the weekend away with me. We'd put the weekend in our diaries weeks before but not actually booked anything. When he told me about the holiday, he said people put dates in their diary in advance so that there was time to cancel them if need be. I still can't understand his reasoning. And you can see why he's an ex.

I think because your initial post comes across as if there was no arrangement for a meet up and that you’re only now trying to arrange a meet up for (this?) weekend, and we’re getting huffy over the fact that your friends already had plans (and not willing to cancel those to meet you). I thought the title was a reverse thingy. At least that’s why I voted yabu.
I now realise it’s the other way round. I wonder whether these are really friends? You also mention teachers wanting to stay, are they really friends or are you just a convenient place to stay for a holiday? Ask yourself who would go into a burning house for you. That are your real friends. Focus in them snd ignore the flaky prople and tjose just using you as a bed and breakfast.

Be more chill. You sound hard work in the post. Merge friend grouos, do things without them. Im not saying it isnt disappointing but you maje it sound like a chore rather than fun.

Yes, I try very hard not to do this.

I did do it once recently, however, when a group of local friends who meet up once a month could only meet on a night where I had planned dinner and a catch up with an old friend, and I'd messed up and given that as a date I could do. I knew the right thing would be to stick with the arrangement eith the old friend.

What I actually did was made the excuse that I had a work event I'd forgotten to put in the calendar with the old friend, and we managed to rearrange for the following week. That way I got to do both, but couldn't quite face telling her that I'd changed our arrangement for another group of friends. A work event seemed more unavoidable. I also have to say that I don't think I've ever cancelled and rearranged anything with this friend before and we've known one another for 25 years. Plus it was not done at short notice.

The new group of friends is also important to me as they are a lovely bunch and I haven't made new friends in a long time before this, not having had the time nor headspace fir ages.

Old friend and I also resolved not to leave it so long next time, and we are meeting up again next month.

Yes, it is very rude.

Not being unreasonable at all. I remember when I was about 8 I was playing with a friend then a new girl from school who I wanted to be friends with asked me to play so I sent my friend home and went off with the new girl. Still remember my mum ordering me home and reading me the riot act on how bad mannered this was. This reminds me of that time and I would never do this again. Basically it is just bad manners and being adults they should know this.

So you usually host them and now that they were going to cook for you they cancel? Maybe they are invited to a place where they can just put their feet under the table, no effort required? Please tell me you're not inviting them again 🤦🏼‍♀️

Ah so you usually host and the one time she is doing it, she can't be arsed?
So has used the excuse when something else has come up?

She's not a friend. NEVER host again.
NEVER trust again with a long term arrangement.
Double check a fortnight and a week before that everything is still in place.

It has happened to me a few times years ago and they never got the chance to do it again.
We were just never available on a Saturday night with a babysitter.

OP, friends who do this to you are user friends.
Don't waste another decade on them.
Cut them loose and focus on those that have the basic decency not to do this.
You are a convenience to them, not a priority.
Realise that and you will save yourself a lot of annoyance.

Actually I would have a bit of sympathy for that if they are a shiftworking couple or such who genuinely didn't get much time alone, as annoying as it would be, but my children are grown up so I don't need to arrange childcare. What would annoy me is if they blew me off for another friend. That would be the end of the friendship for me.

A friend did this to us on NY eve last year ... we had dinner booked in a local restaurant, arranged prob October time. Early December they dropped into the convo that they had 'double booked' and were now going to a party at another friend's. Incredibly rude. DH was more pissed off than I was and he's incredibly laid back usually.

Sod them. Go to the cinema, try for tickets to a play, eat somewhere new, have a great evening out.

I don't know where you are that you can't get dinner reservations for this weekend somewhere decent. I suspect that's more about you being (very reasonably) put out rather than an accurate reflection of the restaurant scene.

Bizarre, I'm really surprised (as dishonest as it is) that they didn't lie and say they were ill. I'd never dare say I was seeing someone "better" because that's just awful. Unless they invited you along "just realised such and such is on, shall we cancel the restaurant and go there instead". To just say "let's rearrange because I want to do xyz with michelle" is the height of rudeness, and understandably makes you feel shitty too.

People saying just to drop them: friends are precious and I think this can be said too lightly (although that whole best man situation... dreadful). Friends have faults and we should sometimes forgive.

If you are going to cut them off then isn't it worth explaining the impact them canceling has had on you? If they take offence and never speak to you again then you've lost nothing more than you would have. If they apologise and change then that's a result.

These people who just don't fancy it. So rude! I sometimes can't be bothered, but I pull myself together and generally have a nice time. Of course saying this you will have people saying that's fine for me but they have genuine anxiety etc. And I do have sympathy for that. There are times when it's just not possible. But every time you give into that you are telling your brain that there was something to be anxious about. And it can become a vicious circle. I think sometimes you really have to say to yourself Auntie is looking forward to seeing me - and me her - I can do this.

Of course from the other side it's hard to judge how the other person is. I've got a friend who's flaked a couple of times recently for injury/needing time alone because work is too much. I'm torn between worrying is she okay and noticing that she still seems able to do other fun things. I suspect the truth is she has other priorities.

A "friend" of mine cancelled coming to my 40th birthday dinner at the 11th hour because she had "got cosy in her jimjams" and didn't want to get changed. I don't know if I was more flabbergasted at her reason, or that fact she thought it was acceptable to tell me that!

Flakiness is so common these days and I’m constantly astonished about how socially acceptable it’s become.

It’s rude to cancel anything at short notice unless you have a very good reason. If you can’t commit or know you’re going to take up the first better offer that comes along, why bother saying yes in the first place? Just don’t bother.

You’ll no doubt get a raft of mealy-mouthed excuse makers responding - the usual stuff, neurodiversity, social anxiety, etc.

I don’t particularly relish a lot of social activities. I think I would probably be diagnosed with neurodiversity. I still turn up when I’ve said I’ll turn up, because it’s not all about me.

People saying just to drop them: friends are precious and I think this can be said too lightly (although that whole best man situation... dreadful). Friends have faults and we should sometimes forgive

Of course, but I think most people in this thread are referring to people who constantly do it. I know I was. I certainly would not cut out someone who couldnt make one or two events- that would be bloody ridiculous.

I am talking about people who do it almost every single time plans are made, they either lie to your face about being ill or having to work etc (and then you see them on Facebook tagged in something else when they were supposed to be ill etc- thats rude). People who constantly drop you last minute for something "better" are not friends I would ever miss in my life because they clearly dont care.

I can understand why you are annoyed having booked the babysitter and so on.

But I would rather people spent time with me because they wanted to, not out of a sense of duty/commitment.

I would actually hate the thought of my good friends missing out on something they really wanted to do because of an existing commitment to me.

And I think my friends know that. So if a great opportunity comes up for them (like, I dunno, they get offered theatre tickets or something; or a hot date with the guy of their dreams) I would always say, go do that, we can rearrange for another time.

It may help that I have only a small group of friends, all of whom I love very much. So I prize their happiness highly, and try to foster honest communication with them. That's more important to me than rules of etiquette.

This is not to say you don't have the right to be pissed off, OP. In a way I find it hard to judge without knowing what she cancelled you for. Was it the trip of a lifetime for example? If so YABU. To paint her own nails? Less so.

I used to be friends with someone like this. Until she messed me about one too many times.
When she got back in touch after cancelling on me (yet again), and suggested meeting up, I just said, "Sure, let me know when you're free". She hasn't yet. That was 9 years ago.

Yes PG that is so time wasting. Im not chasing people anymore I leave it up to them now. But yes def more flaky now. My friend even texts are we still meeting up so it must be common now to flake on others.

Cancelling at the last minute from some friends and from others the constant and I mean constant need for confirmation that I am going to meet them where and when I said I would!

Two sides of same coin.

Infuriating.

We have a ‘friend’ that does this and although we still them we basically have low expectations and have stopped inviting them to a lot of stuff! It’s insulting … we all do it now and then but to be constantly doing it? Nope!

Now friend is asking us a lot to do stuff ( single again after a while!) but I don’t care how lonely they are at the moment because that bridge has been, charred if not burnt!

Not friends at all, and should be downgraded accordingly and ruthlessly.