Partners Weight Comment

[LomotheGreat]

"We need to loose some weight"

Context: Partner has always had body issues. He has always been self-conscious about his weight and will berate himself all the time for eating 'snacks.'

Until I had my DD (8 years ago) I was slim. When pregnant, people would say things to me like "you'll spring back into shape as soon as you've had baby." I didn't. I'm in my 40's now, I have a few health issues related to hormones and possibly peri-menopausal. I'm constantly tired. I have little inclination to exercise, and I have changed careers from a job where I was on my feet all day to an office environment where I'm sitting for most of the day.

I notice his eyes looking at my stomach area, and more recently he playfully grabs me in the area where the band of my bra creates a bulges on my back (kind of the back of my armpits).

I have become bigger and I'm very aware of it, I just don't vocalise my self-consciousness.

AIBU to be so hurt by his comment?

I have expressed to him that I am not happy about the comment.

He shouldn’t be making comments or physical digs about your weight. Have you called him out on his behaviour?

It’s one thing offering to support and motivate you both to lose weight, if that is what you BOTH want. But making you feel self conscious isn’t okay.

It’s hard isn’t it as we’re entitled to find whatever we want attractive in terms of body shape, but he’s your partner so should be supporting you in a less judgemental way.

The grabbing your fat isn’t ok but I think “we need to lose some weight” is. How much do you weigh/dress size. As you might say oh I’m five foot 8 weigh ten stone and am a size 12. Secondly are you happy with your weight or do you agree with him?

if you are overweight or obese, and wish to lose the weight, why not embrace it. If you’re overweight or obese and don’t wish to lose weight, then tell him that, if you’re neither, then tell him to sod off.

Grabbing you is unkind, but i dont think his comment is insensitive, your dp cares about both of your healths. It wasn't nasty, but maybe difficult to hear.

Also op if your bra band is creating a bulge, especially one that can be grabbed, then you likely need to go up a size or two.

It sounds like maybe he wants to work on getting healthier himself, and maybe including you because its sometimes easier to make lifestyle changes together rather than alone, especially if your partner continues eating your favorite foods that you are trying to avoid. He should not make you feel bad about your body though, like if the grabbing is obviously making you uncomfortable

If someone posted here about wanting to help a partner address weight issues, whether or not they were overweight themselves, I can guarantee they'd get advice along the lines of saying 'let's both try to eat more healthily/take more exercise as a family' etc.

Grabbing fat is unfair but if you do need to lose weight and so does he, nothing wrong with commenting if he wants to help you.

He’s gone about it in a clumsy way with the grabbing (not acceptable!) But he’s trying to suggest you both get healthier, maybe you both need to sit and have a frank honest conversation about this.

The grabbing isn't acceptable but do you need to lose some weight? By saying "we" he's tried not to single you out. It's something I've said to my obese husband rather than YOU need to lose weight. Perhaps he was clumsily trying to be nice

Well I guess he is right though isn't he? You admit it yourself.

I think the comment was maybe noticing how unhealthy you both are and that you need to get healthier. If you are tired etc and he is noticing this also then my first thought was that he is just making the observation, for your health, that you both could do with losing a little weight.

The fat grabbing is a bit shit though. Hope you made it clear that you don't like that.

You are not unhappy about the comment. You are unhappy because the comment draws attention to something which makes you unhappy.

You are unhappy with your weight. Not the comment.

So you have two choices. Either do something about your weight, or accept that you don't have the motivation, feeling unhappy takes less effort than losing weight. Therefore, you can let go of the unhappy feelings as they would then be irrelevant.

Grabbing your fat - I'd smack his hand away and have some very hard words.

Saying we need to lose weight - agree. Yes we do need to eat more healthily, what do you suggest? (Put it back on him to think of a plan and to implement it. You can say no if you dont like the specifics.)

Suggest a new bra, wearing badly fitting clothes only makes me feel worse about myself.

A lot of the physical problems you’ve listed; constant tiredness, low mood, weight increases etc do sound peri/menopausal, are you on HRT? It can be a game-changer.

Both muscle and bone density decrease at an alarming rate during menopause, so it really is important to do exercise, especially strength exercise.

I’m sure you want to feel less tired, more inclined to exercise, have more energy etc and a lot of that is controlled by hormones and diet, so whilst your DH may have gone about it clumsily, surely these are the things you want for yourself and your long term health?

And if you do want those things, you should be actively trying to improve your health by speaking to your GP, having a healthy diet and exercising.

Make sure he takes on his fair share of housework, childcare and the mental load to free up time for yourself to focus on self-care. A lot of men don’t seem to realise that they are the time drain which prevents women from having the hours and energy to look after their bodies.

I think I agree with this really.

I’d hope that my husband would feel able to mention/suggest weight loss to me if I were to have obviously gained weight, and vice versa.

You can't seperate the comment from the grabbing. Because the grabbing throws an entirely different light on the comment, removing any possibility this was said from a place of respect. He is projecting his own issues about weight onto the OP and being disrespectful and humiliating of her.

Yeah you can seperate it, as it was not done simaltaeneously from what she’s written, people can have different motivations at different times. The comment was not disrespectful and anyone on here who posts saying they are unhappy with their partners weight is often recommended to address it with this sort of comment, to work with them and support them.

yes the grabbing the back fat is not good, and clearly if he grabbed and said it it would be disrespectful but that’s not what happened.

So are you overweight? You don’t really need to exercise to lose weight if so; you need to eat less / better. It’ll help you feel less tired if you cut out junk too.

This.

As hurtful as it is, perhaps it is a sign that you both need to eat a bit healthier and get in better shape.

I would 100% be upset, but once I’d calmed down and thought about it logically, I would realise he’s right (if he is right. Obviously I haven’t a clue what you look like).

It doesn’t sound as if you’re happy with your current weight, so perhaps this is the push that you need. X

Nonsense. A person doesn't veer from feeling and behaving respectfully about their partners weight issues depending on how the fancy takes them. A person who wants to broach a weight issue with sensitivity and respect does not grab hold of an unconsenting person flesh to illustrate their point. Not at the time. Not at all.

Really nasty and unkind.
You have every right to be upset and pissed off.
I would be very unhappy with such behaviour and he would know it.

Oh give over with the mad drama 😂 I’ve playfully pinched my husbands tummy fat when teasing him and yes I addressed it in a respectful way when I felt I should. The teasing doesn’t mean I am hiding some Machiavellian disrespect.

so much drama.

If my comment is what you consider 'mad drama' you clearly live a very quiet life. If grabbing fat is what passes for 'playful' in your relationship that's your business. This however is about the OPs relationship and she doesn't appreciate it.

He could probably have approached this far better like suggesting you both go to the gym or start walking or do the couch to 5k together, something along those lines rather than outwardly saying “we need to lose weight”.

I honestly think people need to stop being so sensitive about the weight subject. "We need to lose weight" might literally mean We need to lose weight. Not "i don't love you anymore", not "I don't want to continue the relationship", but just "we need to lose weight" because we are unfit. My husband deffo needs to lose some weight, but i love him in whatever shape he is. But he is getting fat!